One of the long-standing jokes between our kids is that if they want something... ASK DAD! He is the "yes man!"
I, on the other hand, have the knee-jerk answer of no! Many times I will answer no because it is easier or safer or simpler for me, rather than because their request is truly out of the question.
After watching a video that Dr. Karyn Purvis, (author of The Connected Child, one of my must read books), posted on her website I have been challenging myself to say YES more often.
In the video, Dr. Purvis described the first year or so of a child's life. She talked about how baby cries and we do everything in our power as parents to say YES! We rock the baby, walk the baby, feed the baby, change the baby, bounce the baby, take the baby for a drive... whatever it takes to soothe the baby. We do not tell the baby "stop it" or "wait five minutes" - we immediately love on the baby. Essentially every time the baby has a need we say "yes!" Each time we say yes with our actions, our baby learns that we are safe, we care about the baby's needs, we are loving. Yes creates connection.
When the baby gets to age that mom or dad have to say no, he can handle the no and remain connected because of all the yeses that came first.
When a child joins a family at an older age he does not have the advantage of all the yes moments of babyhood. While is impossible and unwise to say yes to everything a child asks, Dr. Purvis challenged parents to really think before saying no. Is no truly necessary?
This video really impacted me. (I have lost the link or I would post it... sorry!) Saying no, undeniable creates division. When someone tells me no, I sometimes feel unheard, unimportant, misunderstood, or angry. If I feel this way as a adult, how much more does my saying no affect my kids? All my kids. While Joshua has needed me to work the most at connection, this is something that has benefited the relationship I have with each of my kids and even my hubby too!
So, I began thinking before I said no. I found out that many times when I said no, yes was possible - especially if I added a compromise.
For example, Brenna loves to do art projects... and the messier the better. I love art, but hate messes unless they are my idea. Many times when Brenna would ask me if she could paint or work with playdough, I would say not now (aka no!). However my no was because I did not want to clean up the mess, not because I did not want her to paint. So I began compromising with her. I would ask that she clean up after herself when she was done. I did a little training on how to clean up paint, and presto! she is thrilled to be able to paint all the time. I created more connection with my daughter and also enabled her to follow her passion. In training her to clean up after herself (which she is capable of at age 7) I helped her feel capable WHILE freeing myself to joyfully celebrate her art time vs. stressing about how and when I would clean up the mess.
Another example, when running an errand this week Joshua asked to go look at a stuffed animal on the shelf in an area of the store I did not need to go to. I opened my mouth to say no. Then I realized that the reason I wanted to say no was because I wanted to get home, I was tired of running errands. I quickly remembered that Joshua had been running just as many errands as I had. And if I thought buying groceries, stopping at the post office, and finally the music store was boring, it had to be WAY more so for him. I was not truly in a hurry, I had no reason to have to head home, I just wanted to. So after checking my motives, I realized that yes was not only possible but very well warranted. Joshua was thrilled to touch the stuffed froggie for a few minutes. He would certainly been disappointed to have me rush by! When we left the froggie he gave me a big hug and told me, "thank you letting me play froggie mommy!" Just think I nearly skipped that hug in my hurry to get home!
I received this article in my email the weekend. It encouraged me. I will post it in hopes that it will encourage and challenge you to say yes! more often. I also encourage you to say yes joyfully! Not much connection comes from a begrudging "oh all right" so say "YES!" with a hug and a smile and foster more connection with the ones you love.
And if you enjoy it, you can go to the
Empowered to Connect website to sign up for articles and videos like these to show up in your inbox too.
The Privilege of Saying Yes
By Amy Monroe
One thing I’ve learned in my journey as a mom is the need for me to raise the level of nurture I bring to parenting in order to help my children build trust. My children need to trust that I will consistently meet their needs in ways that help them understand that they are precious and that their voice matters. Telling them I will meet their needs helps them to “know it;” showing them (over and over and over again) helps them experience it and learn to trust.
A great way to accomplish this is to give my children as many “yes’s” as I can. It is through my “yes’s” that I can best give my kids this gift of trust. In order to improve in this area, during a recent Saturday at home with my kids I committed to giving them as many “yes’s” as possible. Trust me, this wasn’t easy, but I need the practice and they need this gift. Throughout the course of that day I was intentional about catching myself before each and every “no” I was about to give. As I stopped to think every time I considered saying “no,” I asked myself a simple question: Can I give my child a joyful “yes” instead?
What I learned in the course of this day was truly insightful. I realized that I am often tempted to say “no” out of mere convenience or for selfishness reasons. In fact, in many situations giving a “no” had become my default response. But I discovered something even more amazing – the more “yes’s” I gave the better my kids responded to me and the more our connection was strengthened.
I know what you may be thinking about now – that as a mom we can’t always give “yes’s.” This is certainly true. But I am discovering that the more “yes’s” I give the easier it is for my kids to accept the “no’s” that are an undeniable part of learning and growing. In fact, as I am mindful and creative about giving “yes’s,” I have found that I can often give a “yes” to go along with many of my “no’s.” For example, when I found my six-year-old daughter Kate in the pantry looking for a snack just 15 minutes before lunch, I had to say “no.” But, I was also able to give her a “yes” by telling her that she could put her snack in a special place and have it after lunch. That “yes” represented a win for both of us, and allowed me to meet her need and put another, albeit small, deposit in our trust account.
Each day is full of countless opportunities for me as a mom to give both “yes’s” and “no’s.” My kids certainly need me to say “no” at times in order to help them grow, but they also need many joyful “yes’s” to help them build trust. I am learning that God has given me the responsibility to say “no” when needed, and the privilege to say “yes” as often as I can.
Amy Monroe writes a weekly column – A Mother’s Heart – on the Tapestry blog.
Something More To Consider:
Giving your child “yes’s” isn’t just about saying “yes” to his requests. You can also say “yes” to your child by learning to share appropriate levels of power him. Watch as Dr. Purvis explains this concept and its benefits for our children in terms of helping them grow and heal.
Gift 3: Give Your Child Shared Power from Tapestry on Vimeo.
(This is not the video I referred to at the beginning of the post, but it is good too.)
