No Fair!

In the last months, Joshua and I have had a recurring conversation that hurts his heart. He is struggling with the fact that he was never in my tummy.

When this fact first came up, his reaction was relief. It was much easier to trust me when he knew I was his "new" mommy.

He was only about 15 mo. old (according to the limited information we have) when he was forever separated from his Ethiopian mommy. Based on his NEED to be held, his desire to feel skin to skin contact, and his curiosity (to put it mildly) about nursing, I am positive that he has sensory memories of being held and snuggled and nursed by his Ethiopian mother. He does not have any concrete memories of her. In fact at the moment he is confuses the nannies that cared for him after he was relinquished with his Ethiopian mommy.

He does not have fond memories of the nannies. We are forever indebted to them for making sure he was safe, getting him nutrition, and encouraging his growth at a terribly difficult time in his life. I am sure they did the best they knew how to do, and I realize that even the very best child care center is NOT a place for a child to grow up feeling adored, unique, and special. That said, Joshua does not remember anything warm and fuzzy about his time in their care. The memories he is able to verbalize are scary or lonely ones.

So when talk of babies being born comes up, he is not a happy boy. He is a boy who is confused and grieving.

He desperately wants me to be able to change the story, to be able to tell him he was in my tummy. In fact, when given the chance, he crawls in and pretends it is true!

This is Joshua pretending to be a tiny baby in mommy's tummy. Krissy thought he was so crazy that she had to snap a picture. He did not feel crazy though, he was thrilled. He cuddled up under my big old sweatshirt and sucked his thumb until I was so hot I could not stand it!

But eventually, the pretending stops, and we have to talk about the truth. The truth is that Joshua had a very special mommy in Ethiopia. I am sure she loved him and hugged him and took the best care of him she could. I never want to dishonor her role in Joshua Gebeyehu's life.

I also never want to dishonor Joshua's grief and longing. So when he tells me, "No FAIR!!! Joshua want be in thissie mommy's tummy! No I like it Ethiopia mommies." I respond with lots of hugs and snuggles. I whisper that I would have been thrilled to have him in my tummy, but God had another plan. I remind him that the nannies were not his Ethiopian mommy. I tell him I am sorry he was sad and lonely. I am sorry that the nanny were not "nicey girls." Empathy, honesty, prayers, and hugs are the only gifts I have to give my baby.

These conversations creep up all the time. You can not hide from grief or from the truth, but I believe when they are faced and embraced healing occurs.

I love you sooooo much, Joshua Gebeyehu Chad D. I get sad too that you were not in my tummy. I get sad when I think of the pain and loneliness in your early life. I have my own wishes, too. I wish I could have met her. I wish I could have seen the way she looked at you and held you. I wish I could have told her how I treasure you... You are right, it is not fair. However, I am forever grateful that God connected your heart with mine. I am so thankful that HE chose us to be together. Thank you for trusting me with your pain. Thank you for letting me hold you and comfort you and pray for you. Jesus said, "Blessed are they that mourn for they will be comforted." You can trust in Him.

Coffee, Cats, and Kitchen Jam Sessions

It has been a busy week, one in which my brain has been busier than my schedule! I am working on sorting through a bunch of thoughts, conversations, and possibilities. In the meantime, I need to take just a moment to document, and thus remember, some oh-so-sweet moments that happened in the midst of it all.

Mornings are typically crazy! We have a system, and all goes pretty well, but it is BUSY! Too busy to dance... except for Wednesday. This Wednesday we were ready 7 minutes early! We celebrated by putting in a great CD and jamming out in the kitchen!

It made my whole day better!

Joshua and I took the day off today. We dropped the girls off at school and then took a little road trip to visit Auntie Teresa. Before we hit the highway, daddy treated us to Starbucks. Joshua was BEYOND thrilled. He loves coffee, so a decaf latte made his morning.

(Watching Joshua drink coffee is always bittersweet for me. It has been obvious since day one that he is an "experienced" coffee drinker. When I questioned Abebe about it, he confirmed that when children in the villages of Ethiopia are hungry they are commonly given coffee. He said the warmth and caffeine made them feel a bit better. While he did not recommend we continue this practice, coffee is a soothing treat for Joshua. He loves to sneak a sip from my cup! I figure a decaf latte is probably not much better or worse than a cup of hot cocoa, so he is allowed "coffee milk" from time to time. However, my heart always hurts for a little guy he once was as I see him smiling over the rim of his cup.)

Joshua was very excited to go to Auntie Teresa's house. We have spent a lot of time with her, but we have never been to her house. Brenna and Sierra have told him all about it though!

He was most excited to meet Auntie Teresa's cat. He had met her dogs, but the cat remained a mystery. He made me laugh out loud for half a day as he practiced the cat's name, Nickel. His first tries came out as "Nipple." You can imagine how hilarious it was to hear him brag that he was going to get to see "Auntie Teresa's Nipple." Yep, we got that corrected in short order!

So here he is sizing up the pretty kitty.

They became friends! His favorite part of the day was playing with Nickel.

A few other moments I want to remember:

• Joshua went with his daddy and I to do some shopping. When we got into the vehicle Chad walked around to open my door for me. As Chad was walking around the SUV to his door Joshua asked,"Why daddy open the door for mommy?" I explained that really nice boys open doors for girls to be kind. When we got home, Joshua INSISTED on getting unbuckled and then crawling into the front seat and onto my lap. He wanted to make sure mommy knew he was a "nicey boy." He sat on my lap and proudly opened the door for me. (sniff, sniff)
• I asked Joshua if mommy loves him this week. He responded, "Mommy, I love you Joshua SOOOOOO MUCH!"
• One of his favorite new sayings is, "Mommy Give Me Your LIPS!" I am supposed to respond, "Joshua Give Me Your LIPS!" Then we kiss and giggle.
• Joshua loves to have me (or anyone for that matter) watch his tricks. He yells, "Mommy, watchie this." If the trick works, I am supposed to clap. If not, he quickly says, "Not Yet. Watchie THIS!"
• Joshua loves to tattle on everyone. His most common phrase is, "no really nice!" This morning Brenna told him he better wear green or he would be pinched. He came to me in tears because "no really nice pinch Joshua!" (We found some green and no one pinched Joshua!)

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough aka Motivation

The kids enjoyed a long weekend. Although it was called spring break it was HOPEFULLY the last long weekend of winter.

Soooo what keeps the D clan occupied and smiling on a long weekend?

For Jamison it is all about late nights, sleeping in, and video games. His current favorite is NBA something or other. He will play for hours and hours.

Riley... don't you just wish to be a dog?

Chad loves to surf the net and watch TV. He is currently scoping out deals on camping and boating equipment. We are all very excited for camping season to begin. Today as we walked into Walmart on DRY! SNOW FREE! pavement, Joshua said, "Snow melting! Camping time! YEAH!!!!!"

Sierra and Krissy (but Krissy refuses photos) enjoy a trip to the mall. Sierra always buys a big jug of soda and cheetos. She also loves bath and body mini hand sanitizers?! And see those snazzy socks? So funky! So Sierra!

Yep, she chugs it straight from the jug. No worries about having to share then!

I love this shot, because this grin is SO Sierra!

While everyone else lounged, Brenna WORKED!

Without me asking, Brenna chose to sweep and mop the main level of our house.

She dusted everything.

She cleaned and organized the mud room.

She vacuumed the stairs.

So I asked what I could do to reward her?

Her response was... make cookie dough!

Her first crack at cracking eggs.

Running the mixer, all by herself!

Joshua woke up in time to stir in the chocolate chips.

YES... I did give her this whole container of dough to eat (not at one sitting though)!

She said it was worth all the work!

Joshua liked it too!

So what is the magic cookie dough that turns 7 year old girls into cleaning machines?

Here is our favorite Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookie recipe.

1 1/2 cups brown sugar

3/4 cup sugar

1 1/2 cups butter flavor crisco

3 beaten eggs

2 tsp. vanilla

2 1/4 tsp. baking soda

1 cup quick oatmeal

3 1/4 cups flour

1/2 package chocolate chips

Cream sugars, shortening, and eggs really well. Add remaining ingredients and mix well. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto a cookie sheet. Bake at 350* for about 10 minutes.

My family likes warm-from-the-oven cookies best. So, I bake one pan of cookies and freeze the rest of the dough. If you freeze dough in a container in teaspoon size balls, you can pull them out of the freezer and have hot and fresh cookies any time! If your kids like cookie dough as much as mine do, you may have to HIDE it in a sneaky spot in the freezer or it will disappear!

I hope these cookies get your housework done too! It was sure much more fun making cookies with Brenna than scrubbing the floor. I am so thankful for my little worker bee!

She Still Needs A MOMMY!

I read this earlier today and it will not leave me at bedtime, so I will pass it on.

The agency that did our homestudy is now supporting an orphanage in Haiti. One of the volunteers there blogs. She posted about the birthday party she attended for a teenage girl. This girl turned 15, just like my Krissy will shortly. But instead of being thrilled about turning 15, she was devastated.

Why?

Because she only has one year left... one year until she turns 16 and becomes too old for adoption. One year before her hope for parents are dashed once and for all.

You can read about her party at the link below. (I dare you! I understand wanting to skip this link, but I dare you to feel her pain and read her story.)

Somewhere Between Who I Was And Who You're Making Me: Mommy: "Tonight we celebrated a big birthday for one of the girls at a local orphanage. She turned 15 and while we sang to her, in the dim light of ..."

Haiti requires that adoptive parents are 35, have been married 10 years, and have two or less biological children in the home. (Some exceptions are made.) We do not qualify for this program, but perhaps you do. Perhaps you are the answer to this girl's prayers.

If she keeps you awake at night, pray for her at minimum. But maybe, just maybe you are called to do MORE than pray? For more information about adoption in Haiti, click here.

Father God, I pray Your blessing over this young girl. Please grant her her heart's desire... an earthly mom and dad. Grant her hope, grace, and peace as she waits.

Working in Workouts

For the better part of this winter, I chose not to exercise. For many people this would be a cop-out, for me it was a sacrifice. I love to work out. I feel more capable, more confident, more energetic, and more positive when I am exercising regularly. So deciding NOT to workout was difficult.

What made me decide this? Trying to schedule a work-out became so difficult and frustrating that I decided for a short time I needed to give it up. Our kids' activity schedule was crazy for a couple months, making evening workouts out of the question. My treadmill has been moved into the family room, making early morning workouts impossible. The kids fought like crazy when I tried to workout after school. Joshua still NEEDED mommy the moment he woke up in the morning. Chad needed some time with me after the younger kids were in bed. Trust me, I had examined all angles and I just needed to take a break.

In the past two weeks, I have begun to workout again. I feel like a part of me that was lost is found! It has been found, but still compromised. In order to exercise, I have to be up by about 5 AM. I can not run on the treadmill, which is my true love, as it is too noisy. I only have 30 to 45 minutes to complete my workout.

One thing I realized recently is that my kids have forgotten how to behave while I am on the treadmill or working out. I have never had a membership to a gym and the older kids were "trained" early on that while mom was on the treadmill, leave her alone. I am really, really good at being interrupted... EXCEPT while I am working out. Being interrupted mid-run makes me MAD. (Which is one of the reasons I decided to take a break! Joshua was not ready to be expected to leave mommy alone for 30 to 45 minutes. It was unfair and unrealistic to ask it of him. It made me crazy when he would interrupt me while I was running, so since I could not "play nice" I needed to take a break!)

So I have begun to "retrain" them. There was no school this morning, so I traded 35 minutes on the treadmill for a ride to the mall for the big sisters. I reminded them that while I am not proud of it, treadmill interruptions bring the worst out of me! They agreed to keep Joshua (and themselves) busy while I ran! They kept reminding Joshua that mommy is almost done, she can not talk when she is breathing so hard, just 10 more minutes... I kept my Ipod turned up and did my best to relax. In the end, I did have to get off the treadmill once or twice - but all in all it was one of the most relaxing runs I have had in months.

So... what is my point? Sometimes even good things have to be done in moderation (or put on hold) in order to maintain family balance. Many times we have to "train" or kids... give them specific instructions on what we expect of them... in order to do the things we love. Compromise is hard. I get bugged sometimes by "all I have given up" as a mom. But then I remember to look around and see that I have been given so much more than I have ever "given up." I am living proof that "the best of both worlds" means compromising like crazy!

Anybody have a favorite 30 to 45 minute workout video? It is time to build up my library.

Spring Break?

Our kids are out of school today for "Spring break"

It is looking pretty springy, don't you think?

YUCK! We are really ready for grass and sunshine way up north!

Rebuking Jesus?

I am still faithfully reading my Bible each day with the goal to read each and every word written in it by December 31. I (finally) got through the book of Numbers!!! That was the toughest book thus far for me. Reading Numbers was a challenge. It did not inspire me. (Yes, that is a terrible thing to say about God's word. It is honest though.) Reading Numbers was an act of faithfulness. I committed to reading ALL of the Bible, so I am!

If you would like to join me in reading the Bible daily, I found my reading schedule here. Even though I struggled to stay committed while reading the book of Numbers, I am truly enjoying spending planned time in God's word each day.

One of the passages I read this week was Mark 8:31-33

"He (Jesus) then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again. He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him.
But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. "Get behind me, satan!" he said. "You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

When I first read this I smiled a bit about the gall of Peter. He actually rebuked Jesus! Can you imagine looking the son of God in the face and telling Him what to do?

Do you know what God whispered to my arrogant thoughts? He whispered, "Think about it Alicia. I bet you can imagine rebuking My son. You have, have you not?"

I know when God is talking to me, teaching me, guiding me because His words seep into my heart and mind. They will NOT leave me alone.

I have been thinking about His words all week. I have rebuked Jesus! UGH!!! I have told Him that I do not like or agree with His plan. I have questioned Him why? why? why? and when? when? when? I have even had to nerve to REFUSE Him, to ignore Him, to deny Him, to doubt Him.

God wiped my self-satisfied smile right off my face. He got my attention. He has me constantly questioning whether or not what is on my mind, in my heart, and written on my calendar are things that He has in mind or if they are the things of men...

Thank you Jesus for teaching me. I am so sorry for the times I have rebuked you. The cry of my heart is to know You more and to serve You better. Love, me