The last month (OK, really the last 2 years) was too busy. They have drained the life out of me. Ceaseless toiling has created an emptiness that I can no longer deny. I am cranky, tired, and weary.
America may be the land of the free and the home of the brave - but it is also sucking me dry. I arrived home from Ethiopia filled with hope and purpose. My entire spirit was renewed. I remember standing in the church at Jemo surveying the chaos of children singing. My heart was full. So full that Helina walked up next to me, put her arm around me in companionship and said, "Alicia, you look so happy."
And I was.
I was also happy to be home.
But after seeing joy over simple things, my heart is sickened anew by the way I live. I spend all my time on rushing, rushing, rushing - returning emails, printing paperwork, communication details, cleaning floors, cutting checks, racing to appointments, watering trees, walking the dog, folding laundry, fixing supper - trying to keep everyone happy and all the expected tasks of me up to par. While I am busy, there is little time for joy.
And I do not know how to change that.
The whole truth is, I am not happy. While I am busy and needed, I am not truly happy. I have bits of happiness, and I am truly thankful for those bits, butt more than anything I feel lost and restless.
It is a feeling I have been stuck in for a long time. And it is starting to drive me crazy! I have decided it may be my mid-life crisis. . . wondering constantly what I should be doing, wondering how "this" makes sense, wondering and wishing and feeling out of place. . . almost all the time. . .
(Being the literal person that I am, I have even done the math. If this is my mid-life crisis, and I am at my mid-life point, I have 38 years left to live. . . My literal thinking is even annoying to me sometimes!)
In the midst of busy, I have been trying to seek the Lord through His word and prayer. My Bible reading habits are far from perfect, but for now, I need days in between passages to think on them and pray over them and ask God to show me what He want me to see.
Here are some things He has been showing me:
"And they will seek my face;
in their misery they will earnestly seek me."
Hosea 5:16
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
Mark 12:24
"Take courage! It is I! Don't be afraid" Then he (Jesus) climbed into the boat and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves, their hearts were hardened."
Mark 6:50-52
I know that last verse does not mean much out of context. It comes at the end of the passage telling of Jesus miraculously feeding the 5000 with five loaves and two fishes. After that he sent his disciples ahead of him in a boat. He chose to go to the mountainside alone to pray. (I guess Jesus locked everyone out of His bedroom once in a while, too - huh?) In the evening a storm came, the disciples were in the middle of the lake, scared they would not make it to the other side. Jesus walked across the water to them - through the storm. He did not stop the storm and then walk, he walked to them in the midst of the storm. He told them to "Take courage! It is I! Don't be afraid!" while the storm raged. Only after he climbed into the boat with them did the storm die down. Only then, did the disciples understand all that had happened earlier.
That resonates with me so much right now.
There are so many things I feel like I just not understand. Why did Chad insist on building this big house when I wanted to downsize? Why do I feel so unsettled when I have a job that meets the needs of our family? Why do I feel like a square peg in a round hole when my life is so good? Why has God given me this HUGE desire to serve vulnerable children, but a very limited window in which to serve? Why do I feel certain that there are more children planned for this family, yet nothing has fallen into place? Why does God introduce children to our family and then close doors? How could we really have the time and money and energy for more kids? Why does it not add up? Why. . .
I am not typically a "why" kind of person. I am fairly accepting of what life throws at me. But my life during the past two years just does not seem to add up -
to me anyway.
But yet I know (like it or not) that even THIS is a part of God's plan. This confusion. This feeling of longing. This time of wishing for more. Even this is from Him.
I believe that He is calling me to take courage.
I believe He is walking through this storm with me.
I believe that I need not be fearful or frustrated or anxious or sad.
Or - at least I try to believe all that.
I am certainly seeking His face.
I am striving to be faith-filled. Truly faith filled - being sure of what I hope for and confident of what I do not see. (I am struggling with the confident part though.)
And I am working on praying fully believing.
This life is a challenge. (now that is an understatement) In this season of waiting and wondering and not quite fitting in, this song speaks to me. Because even though I feel bogged down, I want to live with abandon.
In God's time, I will surely learn how - no matter my circumstances, or how many tasks are left on my to-do list tolive with abandon for Him!
And now I am headed to the home of dear friends. We will eat yummy food, drink some drinks, and shoot off fireworks - just like most other Americans. Tomorrow I, like everyone else, will post photos of bbq's and fireworks. Prayerfully, I will learn how to live with abandon, right where God has placed me. . .
