As I have said many times, this pregnancy has been an incredibly special time for me.
It has not been my easiest pregnancy - emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Yet during these last 39 weeks and 4 days, I have grown so very much. Though my belly is the most obvious signal of growth, I have grown in much deeper ways during this pregnancy.
Hope has been reborn in my spirit. Trust and peace have once again overshadowed doubt, fear, and worry. God has used this time, and this child as she grows within me, in incredible ways. I will be forever grateful.
The honest truth is that I am having a really hard time wanting to let go of this pregnancy. I have so enjoyed having this tiny one growing inside of me. I have so treasured each kick, roll, and hiccup. Heaving myself out of bed to go to the bathroom several times each night, heartburn, backaches, etc, etc... have all been signs to me of God's hope and faithfulness rather than irritations or inconveniences.
On Friday when my OB suggested we induce soon, I was incredibly sad. In fact, I spent most of Saturday near tears. I was NOT ready to let go of this phase of life. I was NOT ready to share this baby. I felt like I needed more time.
And as He sometimes does, God granted my heart's desire. You see, I was supposed to be induced yesterday morning; however the hospital had some emergencies come through labor and delivery, so our induction was postponed. The nurses expected me to be devastated. Instead, I was thrilled!
During the last 48 hours, I have had the time to pray, morn, and process. I am so thankful for this gift of time. So thankful.
Letting go and moving on is hard - no matter what we are letting go of. I have LOVED each and every one of my pregnancies. Knowing that when this baby arrives I will never again experience pregnancy is really sad to me. It is an end of an era, so to speak. I have needed to spend some time grieving. I have also been able to spend some time thanking God for allowing me to experience pregnancy and motherhood. It is a blessing that I hold sacred.
I have also begun processing the FACT that I can NOT approach each and every event in this baby's life from a place of mourning and clinging. She will more than likely be the baby of our family. While we do hope to adopt again, we currently feel that those adoptions will be of older children. God is sure to have some surprises in store for our family, and we are open to His leading. More than any plan we create, we want to bend to His will, which means - everything in our home is poised for change at any time. That disclaimer in place, I expect that this baby will forever be the youngest Dietrich. I refuse to spend her life being sad about that.
That would be unfair to both of us!
Mourning, so deeply, the end of this pregnancy has been good for me in that it has really opened my eyes to my need to approach this little girl's life with joy, anticipation, and gladness! I can not and will not approach every first in her life as a last in my own. I will not mark her personal milestones with my grief in another stage that is forever gone. She and I deserve so much more.
Sweet baby, I will never be a mom that is THRILLED about you growing up. I will never be the mom that throws a party when you are done nursing, head off to Kindergarten, or begin driving from the perspective that your growing up frees me up. I LOVE being a mom. I always have, and I always will. I will savor each day, each moment, each milestone. Yet I promise, my daughter, to celebrate with true gladness each one of your accomplishments. I will do my very best to encourage your growth and independence, to cheer you on, and never to hold you back. You are a gift, tiny one. I am so very thankful that God chose me to be your momma. So thankful.
I am so, so grateful for the extra days God has given me to work through these feelings. I know it will take a conscious effort many times during her life to let go rather than cling. It always does. However, the time to look deep into my soul and to prepare my heart for this challenge is a healing gift for which I thank God.
I suspect my next post will be the announcement of this precious one's birth, and it will be posted with deep joy.
The time is drawing near, sweet baby, for momma to share you.
I can't wait to see the shape of your nose, the pout of your lips, the color of your hair. Will you have a dimple like Jamison? Long toes like Daddy? Will you suck your thumb like Sierra? Be incredibly, yet sweetly independent like Brenna? Tease like Joshua? Have shockingly gorgeous hazel eyes like Krissy? The mystery of who you are is about to unfold, and I am most excited to be a witness to it all!
(I only promise to share a tiny bit! I have always been a baby hog! In fact I have heard my kids tell their friends that they can come see the baby, but they should not expect to hold her. Their mom never shares babies! I am certainly guilty as charged when it comes to that "crime!")
