Hidden In My Heart: 3 Weeks Old

I should have remembered. . . by week 3, I can no longer run on adrenaline. Baby has "awakened" and is no longer content to sleep the day away. My hormones go CRAZY. And the rest of the world is ready for me to be back to a normal routine.

Week 3 with Mataya was rough. It has been with all my babies. . .

I had my share of mommy meltdowns this last week - doubting my ability to care for her. They started with a visit from the county nurse. This is a standard visit, and I enjoyed meeting her. She even has ties to Ethiopia! She was full of lots of information, all was good. . . until she weighed Mataya. When she weighed Mataya, we discovered she was only 6 lbs 12 oz. Since she was born at 7 lbs, this was not good news. At first I was not concerned. All her patterns were normal. She was waking herself to nurse at least every 3 hours. She was not super fussy - except from 5 to 8 - but that is a common fussy time for babies. She had (just barely) enough wet and poopy diapers every day. She was fine. . . right?

She had an appointment to see the pediatrician in 6 days, so the nurse and I agreed to keep on doing what I was doing.

I felt good about that. . .

Until the next day when the feeding frenzy began. For the next several days, Mataya ate continually. Had I not known about her slow weight gain, I would not have been concerned. Jamison commonly had days when he ate and ate and ate during growth spurts. Since I knew of her slow weight gain, I worried and worried.

Then the crazy hormones kicked in as well.

I was a complete mess. Maybe I was starving her? Maybe I was selfish to try nursing her - after all if I were not nursing, I would be more available to the older kids and more willing to leave the baby? Maybe she was fine? Maybe I was too old to keep her nourished? Maybe. . .

I spoke with the doctor and a lactation consultant - who disagreed totally with each other - googled all sorts of topics, and did my best to stay calm.

Thankfully I had a couple of dear friends who listened to me freak out and did their best to reassure me. Friendship is an incredible gift. It sustained me last week.

In the midst of fussy, hungry baby - life went on.

It became clear to me that I needed to leave the cocoon of my home and reenter society a bit - for the sake of my husband and older kids. So, I started driving kids to and from activities a bit - while baby complained. She does not like her car seat! I bought groceries - with the help of Sierra. We went to church. Brenna had some friends sleep over. Jay had a small group here to work on a project. I bundled up the baby and watched Jamison run at his first outdoor track meet of the season. I tried to watch Sierra, but baby was eating and we just barely missed her race.

It was exhausting. It was scary. It was nerve racking.

It was also good. Eventually, life has to go on. My older kids need me too.

On Tuesday, Mataya saw her pediatrician for the first time. And she is still only 6 lbs 15 oz. UGH! Although she has not gained much weight, she has grown. She is at the bottom end of acceptable weight gain in a week. She gained half an ounce a day, but they want to see one ounce a day. However, she is an inch and a half longer than she was at birth. Her head has grown nearly a half an inch too. Her color is good. She is not dehydrated. She is alert. She has some fussy times but is also content often. All her patterns continue to look good - so we are letting things go for one more week. We will go back again next week, if she is not gaining more weight at that point we may start some formula.

I am SO ready for that appointment - though it is still half a week away! I am tired of second guessing myself all the time. Every time she fusses I wonder if she is hungry. I am counting wet diapers like a crazy person. I am tired of it. I am typically confident in my ability to care for infants. This self-doubt is driving me crazy. (It is also wise. . . to a point. I should be concerned and aware - but the constant stress and questioning is not good for either one of us.)

Despite all the crazy - the activities, the fussy baby, the wondering about her growth, the trying to sneak in household tasks, the lack of sleep - I am savoring this time. It is hard. My back gets tired from walking endless circles around our house. I feel discouraged as my bookkeeping work piles up and I am not sure how/when I will get it done. I feel stressed when I see the crumbs from Brenna's birthday party under the dining room table 4 days later. (I have a think for clean floors!) It is hard, do not hear me say it is not. Yet it is temporary! I may need to sleep in a chair for the next four months. I may have a really messy house. The laundry may always be overflowing. Meals may stink. But this work of caring for our tiny one is holy. It is beautiful. It is important. Nothing else matters more right now.

I often remind myself that when I was doing day care I never felt pressured to get my housework or laundry done while I was caring for the children. In fact, I felt guilty if I took a bit of time to clean up. I was doing important work caring for the children. The families were not paying me to clean my house or pay my bills - they had entrusted me with their most precious possessions, and I was determined to do it well. Mothering is important. It matters. This time is a gift that I choose to savor rather than reject in any way.

Things we have learned/discovered this week:

There are a lot of new rules in infant parenting! Baby should stay in our room for 4 months! She should not have anything in her crib after she is too big to swaddle. Many say not even a blanket... luckily my doctor said a light weight blanket is OK. I would not want to be in bed without a blanket, so I was having a hard time thinking of her without one! She should get Vitamin D daily. The car seat should go inside the cart instead of hooked to the seat. This one is tough for me. How am I supposed to buy groceries for my crew with a baby seat in the cart basket? I can join the baby wearing craze, but letting a sleepy baby stay in her carseat seems much easier to me. (Yes! I know there is research that goes into all this stuff. I surely want her to be safe. I will follow the rules.)
We found a pacifier Mataya likes. At least she liked it the last 2 days. . .
Though she is tiny on the scale, she is long! Several of her newborn outfits no longer fit.
She loves white noise. The hair dryer, clothes dryer, and vacuum are calming. She also prefers a soft shhh! to singing or humming when she is fussy.
She loves to have her hair washed. And when it is wet, her hair is curly. It is so cute. (I can't wait for her stubborn umbilical cord to fall off so she can have a real bath. I think she will love it!)
She insists on being held - cradle style. When I set her down, she wakes within minutes. If I hold her she sleeps like an angle. Though I love to hold her, and I do NOT believe you can spoil a baby - I do need both of my arms on occasion. So we will be shopping for a sling! (Brenna was just like this. She was held for 4 months straight. I even slept in the recliner with her. She is now my most independent child. Research totally supports holding babies! This momma just needs to find a way to be a bit more efficient.)
My one daily cup of coffee seemed to upset Mataya, so I quit. Now THAT is sacrificial love.

And now what you have truly been waiting for. . . pictures!