I am a thinker. I like to plan ahead, to anticipate the future. I like to be prepared.
These last few months I have found myself totally unprepared. You see, though I have spent 18 years parenting, I was not prepared for my kids to grow up.
I had some ideas in my mind as to how their "launching" would go.
My hopes and the current reality do not match.
Sigh. That has been hard.
Really, really hard.
I was whining about it to God this morning. Grieving. Grumbling. Trying to reconcile the hurt going on in my heart. Trying to understand my role now. How does He want me to react? When should I speak? When should I be silent? When should I help? When should I step back and allow my kids to struggle?
We have had these same conversations a lot lately, God and I.
But last weekend was rough. Worrisome. Sad. Frustrating. Disappointing. My child needed me, and yet this child wanted nothing to do with me. I was devastated. I was embarrassed. I was shocked. I was angry.
This morning, I was licking my wounds. Replaying the scene to God. Asking Him what I should have done differently? Sharing my hurt and asking Him how to respond. . .
when He shared His heart with me.
Softly, he whispered, "I understand. I soooo understand. Your child denied you. It hurt so very badly. I get it. It happens to me all the time."
Those words have been replaying in my brain all day. Even now, 11 hours later, they knock the wind out of me.
Because, they are so true.
I act exactly the same way as my children act. I deny my Father all the time. I ignore Him and do my own thing until I am in trouble. Then I expect Him to drop everything and rescue me. Once things are back on track, I am ready to "handle" things on my own again expecting Him to happily hang out in the shadows just in case I need Him.
In regards to my children, I often have more questions than answers.
In regards to my God, I have deep repentance. I have felt a small portion of the pain I inflict on Him all the time, and I am so very sorry.
While I can not say that I am thankful for the some of the things going on right now, I am thankful for the lesson God spoke into my heart today.
Father God, my heart breaks when I think of the pain that I cause You. I deny You all the time. I ignore your guidance. I do it my way. Often, I move forward without even thinking of Your plan. I am SO very sorry. Forgive me Lord. Forgive me.
