I like my plan.
(I know, really mature. . . )
For many, many reasons parenting young adults is the hardest thing I have ever done. My kids ARE struggling. (Who isn't? Right?) There is constant conversation in our home about things like peer pressure, failed or troubled friendships, drugs, alcohol, sex, "nudes", injuries, lies, dating relationships, curfew, etc. . . Some conversations cause me much pride. Others cause me to feel so hopeful. And others are just plain old alarming, disheartening, disappointing, or frustrating.
At this point in the oldest kids' development I have battled fear to a greater degree than I have ever battled fear. I fear for them in so many ways.
And if I am totally honest, I also fear for me. In my deepest darkest recesses of honest thought I fear that if they do not "perform" as I would wish that I have failed. . . failed at what I have wanted to do well more than anything I have ever wanted to do well. . . parenting.
I have realized these last weeks that I have made a bit of an idol out of parenting well.
OK. . . so maybe, just maybe. . . I have turned something wonderful (parenting) into a big ole huge idol that I want to hang proudly above my mantle in a frame (the perfect family.)
Sigh.
Parenting teens is so different than parenting little kids. For me the biggest difference is that when kids are little mommas are honest. You see FB posts all the time that say, "I am so tired. Baby was up all night teething." After which you see 7 comments saying things like "Hang in there!" and "Praying for you! So thankful baby has a wonderful momma like you."
When moms of little kids talk they say things like, "My son has been so hard to potty train. Do you have any suggestions?" And they receive (too many) suggestions of things to try.
Somewhere along the line we as moms stop being real. Now I fully realize some of this is necessary! It is not appropriate to blast the issues of our teens all over the place. We must respect them and their privacy. A FB post stating "I am so tired, my teenager was 2 hours late for curfew. . . again!" is not appropriate at all. At the same time, when we stop being real, life gets really lonely! And problems can seem much larger (or much smaller) than they really are.
I am so very thankful for the moms in my life with whom I can be fully honest. They bring perspective and hope when my head is stuck in the sand. They give clarity through their fresh, honest, and less emotional vantage point. They pour love and grace over me when I am doubting myself and my abilities.
God used one "mom talk" this week to deeply speak to my heart. (He also used one blog post.)
I was visiting with a young mom. She was telling me how terrible she felt because one of her kids had gotten in a bit of trouble at school. She confided that she was feeling terribly guilty and embarrassed.
I then asked her, "Have you ever told your child that the behavior she did at school was acceptable? If she did that same thing at home, how would you respond?"
The mom sort of gasped and responded, "Well, no! I would never tell her that was OK! If she behaved like that at home there would be immediate consequences!"
I then kindly lectured, "Well then, why do you feel responsible? If you have taught your child NOT to behave this way, then let it go! It is not about you! She makes her own decisions and chooses her own behaviors. Keep loving her and guiding her - but let go of the idea that you are personally responsible for each of her decisions."
If you had ANY idea of the guilt and self-doubt battle that has been going on in my own head and heart these last months you would laugh out loud at my advice!
I have always claimed to LOVE natural consequences. When Jamison was sent to detention for oversleeping and missing a day of Middle School, I was thrilled. When Joshua's teacher explained that she was working hard with him at focusing on the task at hand, I giggled with glee. (And thought - GOOD LUCK!) I could go on. . .
But - somewhere along the line I started to fear natural consequences for my oldest children. They seemed to big and too scary. Adult consequences are not quite as cute and funny as pre-school ones. Sure I could laugh when Joshua snuck out his window when he was 4 - but it is just not as funny at 16. . . At 16 it is a sign of parental failure. . . right?!?
I have been stuck in this cycle of believing that if my children do not perform just as I had hoped and dreamed when they were "grown" I had failed.
I am beginning to realize just how unfair that is to both myself and my kids.
I have not raised my kids to be mindless clones. I have raised them to be free-thinking adults. I have always given my kids permission to think for themselves, to try things, and failure has been an option. (If you can not fail, you can not try - in my estimation.)
I have raised my kids to know my values and beliefs. They know how I feel about modesty, sex, drugs, alcohol, friendship, speeding, lies, cheating, and most importantly, Jesus. We talk about everything around here, and the kids know my heart inside and out. They know my expectations, hopes and dreams for them. They know right from wrong.
BUT - what they do with all of that information is up to them.
That is a major break through for me.
How my kids. . . little or big. . . decide to behave is UP TO THEM. (Caps for my benefit.) I never have been and never will be responsible of their actions. Their "misbehavior" is not about me.
Now hear me here - what I do and how I parent matters. Always and forever. How I respond to my kids matters. How I advise my kids matters. How I discipline my kids matters. I need to do well all that I can do well. At the same time, I need to only claim guilt or blame or shame or pride for that which I can control - my own behavior.
That is really hard people.
Really, really hard.
It is ripping my heart out.
It is also the most beautiful news ever. For me and for my kids.
To my amazing children - I love you! I am so thankful for each of you. You are a huge chunk of my heart. I am so sorry for the times I hold on too tight. I am sorry for the times I expect too much, push too hard, and over-control. I am learning.
To my momma friends - Thank you for providing a safe place to be real. I need each of you so very much.
And Jesus, precious Jesus - Thank you for the gift of my children. Thank you for entrusting them to me. Thank you for speaking to my heart and teaching me through them day after day. Thank you for reminding me, this week, that they are Yours. I entrust each of them to You. You will lead them and guide them and discipline them as only a perfect Father can. Thank you for being The Source of strength, wisdom, love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness. . . The Source of ALL we need. Your plan is the only plan that matters.
***My kids are struggling. Growing up is a struggle! #thestruggleisreal They are also soaring in many, many ways. Please do not feel alarmed as you read this! It is really much more about me and what God is teaching me than it is about them!
