I have been stressing out this week.
Jamison is going to college.
Like - for real!!! He is GOING to college!
With all the crazy that was our spring, we were not overly prompt in getting his FAFSA paperwork filed. So in the last two weeks, the reality that he is going to college (and thus has to pay for said college) has hit me/us full force.
We have always told out kids that they will be responsible to pay for their own college tuition. We will pay for their books, medical expenses, phones and give them a bit of a monthly stipend - but the bulk of their expenses, we will expect them to cover. That has ALWAYS been the story.
Yet, somehow, this week the thought of Jamison TRULY being responsible for adult things - like $24,000 a year in college tuition and dorm living - I was nearly frozen with fear.
That is no exaggeration. It was waking me in the night in a cold sweat.
After several sleepless nights, hours of prayer, and a bit of research, I was feeling better. Sort of. Though we did not have all the financial details figured out, the number (broken down by semester, scholarship accounted for, etc. . .) was seeming less daunting.
However, once again, I woke up in the night in a panic. And in that moment, I knew I was being tormented by a spirit of fear. Sleepless nights and a spirit of fear are not the same, what began as fairly typical mommy worry, was being used by the evil one to draw me into doubt. My only solid thought was, "Jesus."
As my mind began to race, a Voice, His Voice broke through. It said, "How long did you pray for Jamison as he chose his college? How many doors closed to lead him to UMary? How certain are you that this plan is MY plan? And since I know you know this is MY plan, why do you doubt that I can finance it?"
Instantly, my entire being relaxed. I slept peacefully until my alarm went off the next morning.
I tell you that as of today, we do not have a complete plan for Jamison's college finances. Not even close - but we do have a plan that, God-willing, will get him through his first semester of college with very little debt. It will take tight budgeting, and some hours in the workforce - even during racing seasons for Jamison - but we have all been there. (Heck, some days I feel permanently stuck there! Ha!) Where I do not have a complete plan, I do have peace. His peace. Which is perfect, all-consuming, and complete. I know He has a plan, and I look forward to seeing how it unfolds. And how the unfolding of His plan grows both my son and I closer to Him.
I am so very thankful for the way the Lord spoke into my fear. Fear is real, people - but it is NOT of the Lord. He can and will overcome our every fear if we choose to hand it over to Him.
"Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous? Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged, for the Lord, your God, will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 has proven to be TRUTH over and over in my life.
And though I can control nothing (and that makes me very fearful if I choose to dwell on it), I serve a God who created the universe, cares for each bird, and is always faithful. Always. especially when I do not have any idea how the impossible will become possible.
