It has been (perhaps) the most difficult year of my life. This past year has been filled with really amazing highs - Jamison's graduation, Krissy and Devin's wedding, and Sophia's birth. Much has been accomplished. Much has been gained. Simultaneously, much has been lost. Losing my grandparents was so very difficult. The rush and emotional turmoil of their passing along with planning and celebrating Krissy's wedding and Jamison's graduation was totally exhausting. (Although the distraction was probably a gift.) Losing Chads's grandma was yet another blow. Work has been equally up and down. Chad has been gone more than he has been gone in many years. Every aspect of my life has been chaotic and filled with rapid changes. And rush. All was busy. There seemed to be no rest. NO place to process, grieve, rejoice, heal, etc. . . In all honesty, by mid-November I was emotionally and physically exhausted to a degree greater than I can remember being exhausted before.
And then I read this, "anyone else SO READY for settling in to a slower pace of heart this advent (despite the outside pace of life)?!"
And I thought, "YES! Me, Me, Me!"
I knew the circumstances of life would not change. My life is just busy. That is where I am at. It is not a curse, it is a blessing. However, it stretches me. I definitely crave spaces and down time. Busy, busy, busy can crush me, if I allow it to.
But I DO have a choice.
I can choose to settle into a slower pace of heart. (Huge, deep, beautiful exhale here)
SO - this past month, I have chosen acceptance. I am not fighting our busy schedule but embracing it. I am choosing to find the hidden moments in my chaos to savor. Really noticing the great conversation I (sometimes) have with Brenna on the way to her 7:20 AM choir practices makes the fact that I am out the door that early (along with a very unhappy Mataya) so much more rewarding. Focusing on the extra time I have to pour into my kids when Chad is working crazy hours turns my moments of lonely into blessing. Remembering how quickly my oldest children have grown and changed has transformed Mataya's needy moments into treasured gifts.
Carefully choosing my thoughts is very helpful - but more than anything else, dragging my exhausted body and mind out of bed at 5 am every day to spend some time reading scripture and journaling has quieted my soul and caused my very heartbeat to slow. There have been days that my eyes can barely focus. There have been days that my mind is wandering a thousand different directions. There have been days that I am more grumpy than worshipful. BUT - even on those days He meets me.
And because of Him, it has been a beautiful Advent. He has calmed the rush around me.
I have been thinking much this Advent about how I spent weeks after I each of my babies entered our family. Those weeks were a blur of new. There was so much to do. So much to learn. So much healing and growth that needed to take place.
And yet, those weeks are some of my most treasured memories. Time stood still. While many tasks had to be done, when my tiny one had a need, nothing else mattered. And the love and awe and gratitude I felt each time I gazed at each of my babes was all consuming.
That has been my goal this Advent - to treat Jesus' birth like I treated the arrival of my children. To gaze at Him. To be in awe over the miracle that He is, To adore Him.
Christmas is just one week away. My to-do list is beside me as I type. There are gifts yet to be bought. A pile of office work to complete. Meals to prepare. Housework. Laundry. Shopping. It can steal my joy. . . if I let it. And while there are moments that I have allowed that to happen, all in all, it has been one of the most beautiful Advent seasons that my heart has experienced.
This is so miraculous because I have faced many challenges. My work load has doubled for various reasons. I had to cancel a very precious and long awaited trip. I miss my grandma so much as Christmas and our birthdays approach. And as we all know, the "work" that comes along with Christmas is daunting. It has not been a "silent night" - but that just makes all the ways He has met me in the crazy that much more miraculous.
I encourage you to do whatever you need to do this week to draw nearer to Him. Get up earlier. Skip workout or lunch or FaceBook or TV or scrubbing the floor. Don't do something so that you can do that which is most important. Choose to allow him to slow the pace of your heart. The calm and adoration that follows will be worth whatever sacrifice you make.
PS - Have you ever pondered the fact that the God of the universe CHOSE to subject Himself to a mother? I can't even explain why - but that thought has knocked my socks off this month. Think on it. It really IS amazing.
PPS - My friends, I am praying for you. Right now. I know your fatigue and anxiety and frustration. I, too, turn Christmas into something hard. May He be your peace. May His holiness be the center of your celebration.
