Anyway - one thing He has shown me is that while I trust Him fully with my salvation; I do not fully trust Him with my life. You see, I never question my salvation. I am COMPLETELY, TOTALLY, ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY SURE that my eternal home in in heaven. And while I would claim to trust Him in and with all things this side of heaven - the condition of my heart if often far from trusting.
Rather, I tend to partially trust Him - while also having a back-up-plan, just in case He does not come through as I wish. You know, something like this, "God, You know my every need. You know the bills that are due, the child that is struggling, the friend that is sick, etc, etc, etc. . . I give them all to You, Lord. I trust You to meet every need." But in the back of my mind, I am thinking, "If God does not make sure we have a check by Friday, I will use money from here to pay there. If God does not supply an answer for my child, I will call so-and-so. She will know what to do. And my sick friend, well, I will bring her a meal and google medical treatments so I can pass on a bit of advice."
OK - that may be slightly exaggerated, but only slightly. My brain may KNOW that I am called to trust fully in the Lord for ALL things. It may know that His timing is BEST. But my heart or will or something often argues. Running ahead and taking control.
AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! It is an exhausting wrestling match.
Why do I do it? Why do I trust the God of the Universe with my death - but not my life?
Sigh.
I am so thankful He is gracious to refine me, and forgive me, and refine me some more.
So - my verse right now is this.
"That according to the riches of His glory,
He may grant you (me) to be strengthened with
MIGHT
through His Spirit in the inner (wo)man."
Ephesians 3:16
You see, I know all about trust. At least I know all about it in theory. In reality it is a struggle. "Trust" does not seem to be my problem. Acting on it is. I need Him to strengthen me with might (power, authority, ability, virtue, miracle) so that I can do and be and choose to feel surrendered. Trusting. Securely held.
I need more of You, Lord. Forgive me for not fully trusting. Forgive my back-up-plans. Forgive my divided heart. Strengthen me by filling me Your might in my inner most places. Unify my heart, mind, and will by the power of Your Holy Spirit. Refine me, Lord, so that I more closely resemble You and can serve You better. More of You, Lord. More of You, I pray.
