That is NOT how it went.
It went like this. Children (adult or not) tasking when ordered to but spending the rest of their time napping, watching TV, surfing the net, etc while momma worked to keep them fed and the house clean.
I was so disappointed and disillusioned - which of course, I masked as pissed off. I stomped around for days, maybe even weeks, complaining to Chad about the children we had raised.
Thankfully, I kept my mouth shut until I had the time, space, and wisdom to stop stomping and turn it over to the Lord. When I finally simmered down and asked the Lord to show me what was REALLY going on, the "problem" turned out to be me.
Dontcha hate that?!?
As I thought and prayed and examined my family, I realized that I had always insisted my children be independent. They know from a very young age how to take care of themselves. They pack for themselves when we travel, set their own alarms, put away their own dirty dishes, and pack their own lunches as soon as possible. I value independence, and so I have taught them independence very intentionally.
I have NOT taught them co-dependence.
I expected that as they became adults they would realize that when the dishwasher was full of clean dishes, it should be unloaded. It is not "mom's job." It is a task that needs to be done in order for a home to run smoothly. The same would be true of so many other tasks. SO MANY. However, as I really examined my parenting, all the "other stuff," the stuff that did not directly impact them, I had handled. I set the table. I put away the leftovers. I cooked the meals. I washed and folded the laundry. I cleaned the entire house, save their bedrooms.
Yes, they had been trained to bring their laundry to the laundry room, put their own dishes in the dishwasher, make themselves a meal or snack. They understood how to care for themselves - but NOT how to care for our home. Or for their mom.
I realized that it was time for a family meeting.
So, I sat down with Sierra, Brenna, and Joshua. I explained that I was not happy with the way in which our household was functioning. I explained that although I really appreciate that they always help when asked, I wanted them to start doing things because they need to be done. I joked that their putting their own fork in the dishwasher does not really help me, it helps them. Dinner is not over until the leftovers are in the fridge, the dishes are ALL washed and dried and put away, the counters are wiped, and the floor is swept clean. THAT, all of that, is the responsibility of a family.
I also admitted that we had had this conversation before, but that in time I always resorted to doing everything myself, allowing them to slip into lazy habits. The truth is many nights I do not mind cleaning up the kitchen. And I hate nagging. However, I am realizing that by allowing that I am sending a message that it is OK to eat and run. I knew that habit needed to change. So, I warned that I was going to be firm about this. Our family dynamic must change, even though old habits are hard to kill.
Thankfully, my children could understand what I was saying. They felt bad, and they expressed a desire to change.
The first night or two went great.
And then one night. . . Mataya needed something as supper was coming to a close. I left the kitchen to help her, and everyone else went to their rooms. I returned to a kitchen that had three place settings moved from the table to the dishwasher. . . and the rest of the kitchen was in complete disarray. I began grumpily cleaning it.
Old habits are hard to kill.
Thankfully, I caught myself.
I called my three children back downstairs and pleasantly reminded them of our new family goals. Praise Jesus I was pleasant, because they were instantly sorry. The real kind of sorry.
Old habits are hard to kill, but they cleaned up the kitchen, with servant hearted attitudes.
And it is becoming routing. Slowly. There are nights that I have to remind them. But there are also mornings in which the dishwasher is unloaded without me asking, nagging, or hinting.
Additionally, I have turned the girl's bathroom over to them to clean. I walked in to clean it one morning and thought, "Why do I do this? I have never even showered in this room. Ever." When I told Sierra and Brenna about my thoughts they laughed. "OK, Mom. We got it." was their response. Will I have to remind them. Surely. Old habits are hard to kill.
But I am learning that killing them is possible.
And healthy.
I am learning that thinking through how I want my family to look in my old age, starts now.
I love to dote on my kids. I love to do nice things for them. I love that I am home quite a bit so I can lessen the load and have our home tidy and organized without a lot of help. But my doing it all is sending a message that I want to do it all. And really, I don't. I want to be a part of a team, rather than be a slave. Which means as team leader, I need to inspire cohesiveness.
It starts with you mommas. If you are complaining about your family, look deep into your own habits. It starts with you and only you can change it. (UGH! I know! But. . .)
Change is possible.
And soooo worth the effort.
Last weekend, Joshua and Mataya fought over who got to dry the dishes.
Read that again. My children argued over who could wipe dishes.
Our family dynamics are changing. We are very intentionally creating a culture of helpfulness. And I am so thankful.
