I'm Trying

I'm blogging because writing helps my heart to rest.  And I long for rest.

It feels as though I have not been at rest in a very long time.  I have reached the end of my ability to roll with the punches and go with the flow.  I feel totally incapable of tolerating any more change, any more stress, any more inconvenience.

Ever since school started and we moved the campers to the house, the work I do for Chad has become a HUGE burden.  Officing with unreliable internet and no printer made the work I do for him very difficult.  Moving to the house lot, then into the house, then into the hotel, and finally back into the house - yet never being fully settled anywhere has made trying to organize my schedule and carve out time to work for him nearly impossible.  The pressure to get bills paid and organized has nearly crumbled me.  I typically run 3 days ahead.  Payroll is always done by Wednesday since guys are paid on Friday.  Bills are entered when they arrive in the mail.  Checks are posted a few days before they are due.  In the last months, I have accomplished these tasks within minutes of when they are due.  Payroll is delivered hot off the press.  For my structured, organized, ritualized brain running "late" created constant pressure. 

Yesterday afternoon, I arrived home hopeful.  Ready to set up my desk so that I could once again work from home. I could see light at the end of the tunnel.  Just another day or so of catch-up and I would be able to work on "my schedule" and feel a sense of peace and control once again.

Peace and control were quickly thrown out the window.  I failed at setting up the printer.  The internet was not working.  And I lost it.  I griped to Chad, but more than anything else, my spirit snapped.  I felt totally completely hopeless.  I felt like I would never again thrive.

As the night went on things did not get better.  As Chad asked me simple questions about where this or that paper was and I had no idea, I sunk deeper and deeper into failure mode.  I finally went to bed, not as much because I was tired as that my brain craved relief from the stress of my life.

I woke up this morning cognitively aware that things will improve soon.  Barring another disaster my house will be complete before Christmas.  My office should be ready for use today.  My kids are healthy.  My husband loves me.  He even has made breakfast every day this week to help take pressure off me in the morning.  I know I am blessed.  I know there are so much greater problems in the world.

Yet my heart continues to be heavy.  My reaction to stress heightened.  I need your prayers to get through the next few weeks, because even though the end is near (or maybe because the end is near) I am at my personal breaking point.

Admitting your problem is always the first step in healing, right?

God blessed me with this verse on my daily Bible ap this morning.

"Wait for the Lord;

be strong, and let your heart take courage;

wait for the Lord."

Psalm 27:14

And my honest response is, "I'm trying Lord.  I'm trying."

Construction Update: Home again.

We officially moved back home last Tuesday. 

 

While it was good to be home, it was weird as well. The first time we moved in and got everything settled, it was so exciting.  Redoing that same event only 6 weeks later, was not.  It was just hard work.  And dirty, really really dirty.  Reconstruction makes twice as much mess as construction.  And I hate mess.  It was not a good comination.

 

After being home for a week, I have gotten some areas settled that were not settled before.  That feels good.

 

 This is positioned in our back entry.  It has the big family calendar, lunch menus, school reminders, etc... organized and displayed.  Becoming organized again feels really good.

 This is our family room.  When the house flooded, it was not completed.  Chad, Sandy Telehey, and I worked hard to get it done by the time we moved back in.  It is a really cozy space.  The mantle on the fireplace is my favorite feature.  Chad made it from pallet materials that his metal building materials are shipped on.  Because he loves me so much, he left the wood rough and uneven.  I just love it.

 This is our sitting room.  (Notice the campers parked right outside the window.  Oh the memories!)  I found these red "leather" chairs for a steal.  I have always wanted red leather, so they were an unexpected blessing.

The sitting room from above.  This is my favorite area to snuggle up and drink coffee before the sun comes up.

 

(I am still undecided as to what I want to put in the corner between the chairs.)

 

Evidence that we are officially home:

 Chad's fish has been hauled home and hung up.

 I bought an alarming amount of groceries and filled the pantry . . . just in case we get snowed in.  Buying staples - like flour and sugar - felt so good.  The bill was not quite as thrilling!

 Supper is simmering on the stove.

 

Cooking is not my passion, but it sure feels good to cook in a real kitchen.  I actually have lists of things I am looking forward to making in the next month or so.

 

Signs that construction continues:

Unfortunately, the work is not yet complete.  The largest remaining project is the master bathroom.

 

Chad has been working half to three-quarter time so that he can complete things as quickly as possible.  We delayed closing a bit, but we still hope to close by the December 6.  Closing will be such a relief.  SUCH A RELIEF!

 

We continue to wait on a settlement from the insurance company. 

 

When both of those items are settled I will feel 100 lbs lighter.

 

Praying that day will soon be here.

Another Teenager!

Time flies when you are a momma.

 

 This little beauty turned 13 today.

13!!!

 

I am so stinkin' happy for her.

 

She is the sweetest 13 ever.

Truly.

 

She oozes sweetness.

Talks constantly.

Dances rather than walks.

Loves Jesus.

And her family.

And her friends.

And most everything else.

Including, footy pajamas!

 

I think she asked for these just to make me smile.

 

We are now parenting more teenagers than any other age group!

 

I have been giggling about that fact all week.  When we announced we were expecting Sierra all those years ago, my brother told us we were nuts!  According to him, having more than 2 kids was pure craziness!  We would be outnumbered and all chaos would break loose.  We laughed and laughed at his joking.  We were thrilled to be having our third baby.  Our first three kids were born in 3.5 years.  Many thought we were nuts, but I truly loved it. (Ask my mom!)  Being a mom is without a doubt the biggest source of (earthly) joy in my life.

 

Even now!

 

Even when we have more teenagers than parents here, I am having the time of my life.

 

 

Happy Birthday Berra-girl!

 

I am so thankful God chose me to be your mom!

 

(House update coming soon.)

Snowed In an the Inn

This weekend we experienced our first snow storm of the season.  Since it did not really snow AT ALL last winter it seemed extra dramatic!

I had many things I wanted to get done this weekend.  Some projects at the house, but most of all I wanted to get to Carrington to babysit my nephew.  That did not happen.  BOO! 

I grumped for a bit Saturday morning about not being able to go anywhere or get anything done, but eventually I embraced the adventure!  (Plus I got hours and hours of book work done for Chad's business.  I always feel better when I am a bit productive!)

Here are a few pictures of our snow storm adventure!

 Brenna loves some TV time, and the hotel has cable!

 Tickle torture!

(As you can see, he love it!)

 Joshua LOVES the pool!

Inventing new ways to jump in is his favorite.

" Going for the gold!"

Krissy getting wild.

 

After a long morning of swimming, we were HUNGRY!  Roads were too bad to drive on

so. . .

 Krissy, Brenna, Joshua, and I walked across the street to Olive Garden for lunch.  It was snowing and blowing like crazy!  It was also cooooold!  About half way there Joshua stopped and yelled, "Mom, you have to help me.  My forehead is freezing!"  So I scooped him up and ran with him on my hip the rest of the way. 

 

You have to love ND.  Even in a big old snow storm Olive Garden stays open!

Jamison, Sierra, and Chad were off on an adventure of their own.  It was the first weekend of deer hunting, and Jamison had his first buck tag.  They travel about 2 hours to hunt.  It was not snowing there, instead they were "gifted" with freezing rain.  Jamison had decided that his minimum requirement in a buck would be a 4 by 4.  It will surprise no one to hear that was exactly what he shot.  He got it in one clean shot through the neck.  His dad was very impressed with the shot!

 

After they harvested the buck, they drove home.  Roads were BAD!  Chad was freaked, and he does not scare easily!  He was kind enough to have the kids text me every 20 miles or so to let me know they were OK.  I appreciated that so much.  I am not much of a road worrier, but when you are driving on roads listed as "no travel advised" even I get a little tense!  Thankfully, they made it home  safe and sound.

 

This weekend I am thankful for:

• Technology!  I loved hearing from my travelers and watching the road map that ND updates every few minutes on days like yesterday! 
• My kindle!  I can always locate a good book even when it is too yucky to go to the store.
• Laughter!
• Swimming pools!
• Cleaning products!  I have spent much time trying to get all the sheetrock dust our of our new home.
• A new 4-Wheel Drive vehicle purchased before the storm.
• Warm clothes, coats, hats, boots, and gloves
• Restaurants and their workers.  Popcorn 3 meals in a row would not have killed us, but pasta was WAY better!
• A new book that is inspiring me.
• Work completed.
• Sleeping in, 2 mornings in a row.  That is unprecedented!
• A husband who works until the job is done, even when his employees let him down.
• The hope of moving home again this week.
• Photos, they just make my heart smile.

Please pray for us this week.  We hope to settle with the insurance company.  Pray that the settlement is stress free and just for all involved.  Also pray for much work to get done in little time.  We are set to close in 10 days.  I am more than a little worried about how it will all get done!!!

 

 

Grumpy and Grieving - but Working Toward Grateful

November is usually my favorite month.

I typically pride myself in living with a grateful heart.

This November, I am failing.  While I can cognitively count my blessings my heart is heavy.  I know I have much for which to be thankful, but my thankfulness is hollow. 

It is driving me crazy.

I want to list all the reasons that I have to feel disappointed, stressed, angry, hopeless.  I want to write a poor me post. 

(In all honesty, I did write my long list of gripes right here in this spot.  Just because I wanted to.  Then I deleted that list.)

The truth is I have had some major disappointments in this last year.  It is not turning out as I had hoped.  However, God never tells us we will not face disappointments, frustrations, failures, trials, temptations, heartache. . .

Instead He commands us "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you." (1 Thes 5:18)

I have decided to focus on that verse this month.  I have decided to choose gratitude, because in the center of God's will is exactly where I want to be.

So here is my list of things I am thankful for today:

• Dinner with Chad and the kids all around one table tonight.
• The news "she speaks!"
• Brenna playing the same song over, and over, and over on a recorder with joy and delight.
• Chad hugging me like I am someone really precious.
• Reading books with Joshua and Brenna.  Then snuggling them as they fall asleep.
• Jamison's practical jokes.
• Sierra's stories about her friends.  I am so thankful she shares her heart.
• Tea and pumpkin bread
• The promise that there is more.  The troubles of this world will end one day.
• Clean bath towels that I do not fold or launder.

***In case you are wondering, we are still in a hotel.  Carpet is supposed to be relaid tomorrow in certain areas of the house.  It sounds like we should be able to move back into the house by the middle or end of next week.  We are scheduled to close on Nov. 21.  Before closing, we need to insulate, firetape and sheet the garage.  Lay new tile in Jay and Sierra's bathroom.  Lay flooring in the master bath.  Also the master bath needs a full tile shower, toilet set, and tile surround to the tub.  All plumbing in that room will need to be completed.  The room also needs baseboard.  And the backsplash in the kitchen will need to be grouted.  Chad, Jamison, and Sierra will be off deer hunting this weekend.  So we have much work in short time, but Chad says it will be OK.  I'm honestly not sure how, but I do know that when Chad says he will figure it out - he will figure it out.  SO, I am praying that we will have a cozy Thanksgiving in a completed home.

Would you please join me? 

I am totally, completely longing for home.

Some Fun Firsts this Fall

This blog has been silent because I believe that if you do not have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut.  So, since I have been the grumpiest person in the universe, my blog has been silent.

 

I decided that grumpy or not, I did not want to forget some of the fun moments of this fall.

 I had the honor of buying my tall son his first tie.

 

He knew exactly what he wanted - pink.

 

Even in sweats, Jay is one handsome guy.  A tie put him right over the top.

I thought the girls would never stop texting after he wore this outfit to school!

There is just something about a guy in a tie.

 Krissy is taking a speech class, and she is required to dress up on the days she gives speeches.

On this day she was to give a speech about Ethiopia.

Joshua thought he should be in the picture with her since he "knows the most about Ethiopia in this family!"

 

The fact that Krissy allowed me to take a picture of her is an event in and of itself though!

 Sierra went to her first Middle School dance.

Yep.

She loved it.

 Jamison went to the State Cross Country Meet as an alternate.

We were so thrilled for him.  His team took their top13 guys (the full team is bout 40).  10 ran.  At the beginning of the season it never, ever occurred to him that State was even possible for him this year.  By the time State came around he was itching to run, rather than be an alternate!  We are all so proud of his progress this season.

 

CHS finished 4th at State.  They were ranked 5th,

Congrats boys on a great season!

I am already excited for next year!

 

Last night our whole family dressed up for our church's first ever "Trunk or Treat" event.

(OK so all of us were only dressed up long enough for the photo.  And I bribed Krissy into this one.  But we were all dressed for about 3 minutes!)

 

Many weeks ago, Sierra suggested that Chad bring his payloader for our "trunk."  We would wear hard hats and high visibility vests.  I loved it!  I am a Halloween scrooge, so simple and cheap makes me happy on Halloween!

 

Then our home flooded.

 

Construction has become much less exciting and joyful.

 

I was no longer very thrilled about dressing up as a family of construction workers!

But, since it remained cheap and easy, the plan remained unchanged.

 

I guess, like it or not, construction just defines this season so we may as well celebrate it?

(sigh)

He makes us laugh!

I have not taken nearly enough time in the last 5 months to record the things little man does that make us laugh.  It is time I remedy that!

• Joshua HATES spiders!  This week at school, they are studying spiders.  Yesterday when I asked him how school went he said, "They are talking about spiders.  I hate spiders!  I listened to my teachers talking, but I should not have though.  I did not like it!"

• Today they made spider hats at school.  Joshua made one too.  He proudly tried it on for me.  Then he explained, "It is supposed to be a spider hat.  I pretend it is a witch hat though.  A spider on my head would be scary!"
• We were shopping this afternoon and I noticed footy jammies for moms.  I joked about how silly I would look in footy jammies.  Joshua told me, "You would not look silly.  You always look cute!"

• Jamison helped Joshua get ready to swim tonight.  Joshua insisted on wearing his new snow boots along with his swimming trunks and life jacket when they met me in th lobby.  He made everyone smile when he came through the lobby strutting his stuff.  I laughed out loud when Jay told me that when Joshua came out of the bathroom dressed in his crazy outfit he proudly exclaimed, "Don't I look amazing in my new snowboots and swimming clothes?!?" 
• I let him swim without his life jacket in the shallow end for a bit. He and his siblings were playing catch with a big ball.  Twice he slipped and his mouth went under the water.  After the second slip he told me quite seriously, "Mom, I drowned two times!  Good thing I am good at drowning!  It could have been serious!!!"

I am so thankful for the laughter that this little guy brings to our family!