I Was A HAPPY Camper!

Last weekend we went camping and something amazing happened, I LOVED it.

I truly wondered if that feeling would ever return, and it did!

 Friday night we just hung out.  It has been a long time since we laid around and did nothing but chat.

 Saturday morning Mataya slept until about 8, which is great for a baby, but not so great for a teenager!  Poor Jamison sleeps in the living area of the camper.  It is a good thing he is so patient.  Multi-generational camping has it's perks - but sleeping late is not one of them!

 About the time we finished breakfast, Mataya was ready for a nap.  The littlest baby whisperer helped her fall asleep.  (Seriously, Joshua could NOT be sweeter with her!)

 Just chillin'

Chad and I decided to go for a run, and Jamison (under the supervision of Sierra) volunteered to babysit.

 As we finished our run, it started to rain.  It was a warm rain with absolutely no thunder or lightening.  One thing lead to another and we ended up going for a swim in the rain.  It was, without a doubt, the craziest and most fun thing I have done in a long time.  (Sierra and Mataya sat this adventure out!)

I had really, really missed being on the water.

Sierra watched Mataya for an hour or two so I could enjoy the boat.  She is so good to me!

 And Jamison is SO good to Joshua.  He had very little desire to tube; he prefers wakeboarding.  However, he tubed for as long as Joshua wished just to make him happy.

As I watched them tube from the bow of the boat I became overwhelmed with emotion.  In two years Jay graduates.  It will come so quickly.  These moments that I once took for granted are becoming more precious by the hour.  I am so thankful for each one.  In a blink, Joshua will be as tall as Jamison and the boys will be playing chicken on the tubes when Jamison comes home for a mid-summer visit.  (Please, oh please Jamison - come home every summer to play with us.)

Like I told me mom, I always knew my kids would grow up.  And at the same time, I did not believe it would really happen.  Some moments are long, but years pass quickly.  A year or two ago Jamison told me the age I would not like is when they leave.  How correct he was.  I am trying to let go gracefully, but it is a bit like ripping off a bandage, no matter how you go about it, it hurts a bit.

You can tell I am processing this theme continually. . .mostly mentally and when I journal and pray. . . I promise it is not the lead topic of conversation in our family!

Saturday ended with a fire for most of the family, and with snuggles and a book for Mataya and I.

It was a precious day.

After breakfast and a long walk we headed home on Sunday - but the beauty of the lake covered in this precious symbol of love and hope has remained close to my heart all week.

I am not sure we get additional opportunities to camp this summer.  Although school does not start for several weeks, cross-country practice for Jamison has resumed.  The first meet is only 16 days away!  Sierra is busy with cheer practice as well.  Her first game is 17 days away.  Fall is closing in on us, I am afraid, but, I am excited for next year.  I am a happy camper once again, and I look forward to the adventures that are yet to come!

20 Years in Review

Today is our 20th wedding anniversary.  In celebration of that I spent the week going through ALL of the photos I have taken since our wedding day reliving each year, moment by moment.  As I went through books and books of snapshots, I had one goal in mind - finding a photo that somehow represented my favorite memory from each year we have been married.  Some years it was easy.  Some years it was hard.  Some years many fun, exciting, or meaningful events took place and choosing the best was difficult.  Other years it was hard to find something truly significant.  That is what makes a life, is it not?  Years of plenty and years of drought have been combined in a magnificent way to make our family all that it is today.

Want to take a walk down memory lane with me?

1994

I have said many times that our wedding day was the best day of my life.  It was the start to our life together, and it was beautiful in every way.

1995

(insert photo if I ever find one!)

Believe it or not, I can not find a single photo of our first year together?!?

However, my favorite memory from that year was Christmas.  We lived in a TINY apartment on the campus of Minot State University. Chad surprised me and brought home the largest and most beautiful live tree we have ever had.  It took up our entire living room, more or less, but we loved it.  Celebrating Christmas together was so incredibly sweet.

1996

We became parents!

Kristiana Jean (or Krissy as she prefers) was born.  Being a mommy is my greatest joy.

1997

Jamison Chad was born.  A boy and a girl, we felt so blessed!

1998

We bought our first home.  Little did we know what a blessing this "dump" would become.  Not only did it provide our family with a home, it gave us the equity we needed to start our business years later.

1999

Sierra Faith was born.

2000

We all joined Chad at the National Handgunner World Speed Shooting Championships.  He was shooting for Smith & Wesson at the time, and this was the only National level match we attended as a family.  We were so proud to watch daddy shoot with the best of the best.

2001

A different kind of baby was born when we started our business!  Chad originally shared his office with baby Sierra.

2002

Chad LOVES movies.  By Christmas of 2002 the kids were all old enough to go on a family movie date.  This is a tradition we still (try to) follow each Christmas.

2003

Brenna Joy was born.

2004

Chad and I had the amazing opportunity to go to the Bahamas.  Thoughts of this trip still make me teary as it was so much more than I had ever dreamed.  We celebrated out 10th Anniversary watching the sunset all alone on the beach.  It felt miraculous.

2005

We bought our first boat.  This was significant because it was the first time we had been able to purchase anything frivolous.  It ended up being such a wise investment.  We learned to have fun as a family, rather than working all the time.  Some of my very best times with our kids have taken place on the water.

2006

This was a hard year filled with growth.  Our business grew.  Our kids grew.  Our faith grew.

2007

Escape came on the water.  We spent as much time as we could playing with our kids.

2008

Chad and I traveled to Aruba.

2009

We asked the kids to plan a trip.  We told them we would take them anywhere they wished to go in the continental US, and they chose Magic Kingdom, of course!  They has SO much fun on this trip.

2010

Joshua Gebeyehu Chad joined our family. I do not think there has EVER been a time when I was more ready to be wrapped in Chad's arms than when I walked off that plane with our new son in my arms.  This was a moment of joy and relief.  We were finally all together.

2011

We worked hard and long learning to parent Joshua.  It was a time when Chad took care of me in so many ways.  He had my back and supported and trusted me as we learned to be adoptive parents.  It was hard - but in many ways it was also the best year of our marriage.

2012

 This is the only year in which I allowed myself two events as "best."

In 2012 we built our home.  We lived in campers for 6 months. We worked long, hard, hot sweaty hours.  We experienced loss as the home flooded just before completion.  It was the hardest time of my life.  Working two jobs, living in campers, playing construction worker alongside Chad and the kids in every spare moment was not my idea of fun! I am not yet healed enough to call it the best part of the year, but I think there will come a time when I am.  Living in this home that we built together is very special.  God-willing we will grow old here, rock our grandbabies here, and some day, I am sure, that year will be one of the best years of my life.

However until I get to that place - my favorite memory of 2012 was traveling to Hawaii with the love of my life!

2013

Chad and I traveled to Ethiopia together.  This was a dream come true for me.

2014

Sweet, precious Mataya Hope was born.

I chose this delivery room photo because I am so thankful that Chad stood by my side throughout five births.  The delivery room is not his favorite, but in the delivery room - just like in all other areas of life - he was there, by my side, supporting me in every way that he could.

After spending so much of this week thinking through the last 20 years, one thing is certain, we have had a good life.  It makes me giddy to think of all the years, God-willing, we still have in front of us.

Once in a while people ask how we knew?  How did we know at 19 that it would work?  How do we still make it work?

Here are my thoughts:

1. Always remember that while some moments are long, the years pass quickly.

2. Love is not a feeling it is a choice.  Most of the time when Chad walks in the door after work I can not wait to see him.  But there have been days, weeks, even the occasional month in which I have not felt like a bride.  There are times when I choose love.  I choose commitment.  I choose kindness and faithfulness.  I choose forgiveness.  So does he.  (I'm actually not that easy to live with!)  When we choose love, over and over, a life of love is built.

3. Pray.  Only God can bind two people together in a way that is solid and true.

Chad - thank you for loving me so well.  Words can not express all that your love and the life we share mean to me.  Marrying you is the best choice I have ever made, no doubt about it.  I adore you, my sweet prince.

I Got My Berra Back!!!

Home is a MUCH better place when she's in it!!!!!

I want my Berra Back!

(I was photobombing a snapchat selfie.)

It is a well known fact around here that I am a baby hog.

If anyone has Miss Mataya for longer than I think necessary I tell them, "I want my baby back!"

When I finally get her back, I may have been heard singing a terrible version of the jingle for Famous Dave's.  You know, "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. . . "

(Yeah.  You guessed correctly.  My kids love this.  Or not!  Mataya thinks I am funny though!)

This week Sierra has been in San Diego taking part in a mission trip with other teens from our church.  I have missed her terribly!  I think I am handling having one less in my nest really well - but when one more is gone for a bit I am (ridiculously) beside myself.

So THIS week I have been singing, "I want my Berra back, Berra back, Berra back!"

Thankfully she will be home tomorrow.

Tomorrow can NOT come quickly enough for me!

Denied

I am a thinker.  I like to plan ahead, to anticipate the future.  I like to be prepared.

These last few months I have found myself totally unprepared.  You see, though I have spent 18 years parenting, I was not prepared for my kids to grow up.

I had some ideas in my mind as to how their "launching" would go.

My hopes and the current reality do not match.

Sigh.  That has been hard.

Really, really hard.

I was whining about it to God this morning.  Grieving.  Grumbling.  Trying to reconcile the hurt going on in my heart.  Trying to understand my role now.  How does He want me to react?  When should I speak?  When should I be silent?  When should I help?  When should I step back and allow my kids to struggle?

We have had these same conversations a lot lately, God and I.

But last weekend was rough.  Worrisome.  Sad.  Frustrating.  Disappointing.  My child needed me, and yet this child wanted nothing to do with me.  I was devastated.  I was embarrassed. I was shocked. I was angry.

This morning, I was licking my wounds.  Replaying the scene to God.  Asking Him what I should have done differently?  Sharing my hurt and asking Him how to respond. . .

when He shared His heart with me.

Softly, he whispered, "I understand.  I soooo understand.  Your child denied you.  It hurt so very badly.  I get it.  It happens to me all the time."

Those words have been replaying in my brain all day.  Even now, 11 hours later, they knock the wind out of me.

Because, they are so true.

I act exactly the same way as my children act.  I deny my Father all the time.  I ignore Him and do my own thing until I am in trouble.  Then I expect Him to drop everything and rescue me. Once things are back on track, I am ready to "handle" things on my own again expecting Him to happily hang out in the shadows just in case I need Him.

In regards to my children, I often have more questions than answers.

In regards to my God, I have deep repentance.  I have felt a small portion of the pain I inflict on Him all the time, and I am so very sorry.

While I can not say that I am thankful for the some of the things going on right now, I am thankful for the lesson God spoke into my heart today.

Father God, my heart breaks when I think of the pain that I cause You.  I deny You all the time.  I ignore your guidance.  I do it my way.  Often, I move forward without even thinking of Your plan.  I am SO very sorry.  Forgive me Lord.  Forgive me.

A Little Road Trip

I took these four on a little road trip this week, just for fun!

 Adrianna, Mataya, Brenna, Joshua and I headed to the zoo in Minot.

(We missed Alexa!  She had other plans for the day.  I'm hoping to spend some time with her soon.)

The zoo in Minot is actually smaller than our zoo - but they have some animals that we do not have.  Plus, a road trip is always a fun adventure. 

Adrianna and Brenna are very close friends, along with being cousins.

I am thankful for their special relationship.

 The giraffe was by far their favorite animal.

 Brenna LOVED this big guy!  I think the $5 I gave her so she could feed him was the wisest "waste" of money ever!

 Joshua did not want to feed the giraffe.  He chose cotton candy for his treat.

Little Mataya was a trooper.  She did not fuss one bit all day long.  She spent most of her time while at the zoo in the ring sling, while Joshua hogged the empty stroller.  He sat in there while Adrianna pushed him around like he was the King of Africa or something.  I should have taken a photo, he looked so funny!

One of my goals during my "underemployment" is to get to know my nieces better.  I have come to realize that for many reasons, I do not really know them.  Sure I see them fairly often - but always in a crowd of people.  The kids go one direction, the men in another, and the ladies in another.  Even when it is a smaller group, my sweet nieces tend to talk to my kids - but not much to me.  And since some of my kids are older (not to mention noisier), I don't hear much from my nieces. I totally understand that.  It is completely normal.  Yet, I want to fight that a bit.  My nieces are precious girls and I want to know them for real - for myself, rather than just through their parents and grandparents.  

So, I am trying to grab some "alone" time with them when I can.  True, it is not one on one time - but it is the best I can do for now!  I am their only Aunt, and the time is coming that they may need a female adult friend who is not their mom.  I would dearly love to one day be someone they name a friend.

The Day the Music Stopped

I have always loved music.

Growing up I drove my brother crazy because I was always singing - especially on road trips.

I did all the usual singing stuff - choir, voice lessons, worship teams.

But beyond performance, singing was just how I expressed my heart.  It bubbled from me.

I remember cooking dinner with a girlfriend one weekend during High School.  Her parents were out of town, and we were preparing dinner for our boyfriends.  It was to be a real meal - pasta, salad, and dessert.  While we were cooking and chatting and setting the table, I was singing some silly tune.  My girlfriend laughed at me.  She said it was the most wonderful thing that she had ever heard in her kitchen.  She honestly believed it was the first time anyone had ever been heard singing in her kitchen.  I was shocked!  I was also sad.  Hers was not the happiest of homes.  While money was plentiful, laughter was not.  I vowed to always live in a home filled with laughter and singing.

And I did for many, many years.

But one day. . . I don't even know which day. . . the music stopped.

I stopped singing.  I stopped humming.  I stopped listening to the radio.  My brain was so full, my body was so stressed, I could not handle ANY additional stimuli.  Silence - not laughter or music - was what I craved.

Looking back, I realize just how stressed I had become.  But at the time, I truly had no idea.  I was too busy getting stuff done, keeping bosses happy, driving my kids from place to place, cleaning the kitchen, folding socks, etc, ect, etc. . . to even notice.

During these last four months of rest and recovery, less stress and more silly, something crazy happened.  I began to sing again.  Like truly sing, not the forced singing to be polite during worship I had been doing for who knows how long, but REAL singing, the kind that bubbled from my soul.  When it happened it totally caught me off guard.  It felt familiar. . . and yet totally foreign.  It felt like coming home.  It felt like I found myself again, even though I had not realized I had been lost.

My lesson in all this is that I need to be paying attention to me.  I need to take care of all of me.  While I had been caring for my body with healthy food choices and exercise, I had not been caring for my heart.  I had been so busy making sure everyone else had all they needed that I forgot to take care of me.  What had started as one busy week and then one overloaded summer had morphed into a lifestyle of too much.  I had unknowingly lost myself one tiny commitment at a time.

Friends, I know there are seasons in which our own needs must be put on a shelf so that we can serve others to an extent beyond our comfort zone.  We were created to serve rather than to be served, and sometimes we are called to serve until it hurts A LOT.  Yet, we can also turn our servant-hearted nature into an idol of sorts.  We can do and do and do. . . all good things - to an extreme in which we lose ourselves.  That is not how God wants us to serve.  When we serve as He wills us "the yoke is easy and the burden is light."  When I am serving as He calls me to serve my heart is filled with singing.  There is joy rather than unrelenting pressure.

From time to time we must slow down enough to do a real heart check.  Am I OK?  How much am I sleeping?  When did I do something fun and relaxing?  When is the last time I laughed. . . really laughed?    When was the last time I had a face to face conversation with a friend?   When is the last time I listened to God - rather than just telling Him what to do during quick bursts of exhausted prayer? (And for me) Do I hum while folding laundry, sing while I vacuum?

I don't know what your signal is - but I have learned that in my life when the music stops so has my joy.  If I have no joy, I have lost myself.  If I have lost myself, I am most certainly NOT on the path that God wills.  On His path there is joy, true joy - not fleeting happiness, but joy and peace unlike anything this world has to offer.

Take a moment to do a heart check often.  Start saying no before "the music stops."  His path of joy and peace is so, so much better than the path of busyness we are so tempted to follow.

Saying no is scary.  Making big crazy lifestyle changes - like quitting one job - is scary.

BUT hearing His music once again is so, so, so, so wonderful.

I am still serving nearly every moment of every day.  And although once in a while, I feel overwhelmed, all in all my heart is joyful.  I feel like me again - the me I was created to be - and that is a gift my whole family is enjoying!