Leaving Pregnancy Behind

As I have said many times, this pregnancy has been an incredibly special time for me.

It has not been my easiest pregnancy - emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  Yet during these last 39 weeks and 4 days, I have grown so very much.  Though my belly is the most obvious signal of growth, I have grown in much deeper ways during this pregnancy.

Hope has been reborn in my spirit.  Trust and peace have once again overshadowed doubt, fear, and worry.  God has used this time, and this child as she grows within me, in incredible ways.  I will be forever grateful.

The honest truth is that I am having a really hard time wanting to let go of this pregnancy.  I have so enjoyed having this tiny one growing inside of me.  I have so treasured each kick, roll, and hiccup.  Heaving myself out of bed to go to the bathroom several times each night, heartburn, backaches, etc, etc... have all been signs to me of God's hope and faithfulness rather than irritations or inconveniences.

On Friday when my OB suggested we induce soon, I was incredibly sad.  In fact, I spent most of Saturday near tears.  I was NOT ready to let go of this phase of life.  I was NOT ready to share this baby.  I felt like I needed more time.

And as He sometimes does, God granted my heart's desire.  You see, I was supposed to be induced yesterday morning; however the hospital had some emergencies come through labor and delivery, so our induction was postponed.  The nurses expected me to be devastated.  Instead, I was thrilled!

During the last 48 hours, I have had the time to pray, morn, and process.  I am so thankful for this gift of time.  So thankful.

Letting go and moving on is hard - no matter what we are letting go of.  I have LOVED each and every one of my pregnancies.  Knowing that when this baby arrives I will never again experience pregnancy is really sad to me.  It is an end of an era, so to speak.  I have needed to spend some time grieving.  I have also been able to spend some time thanking God for allowing me to experience pregnancy and motherhood.  It is a blessing that I hold sacred.

I have also begun processing the FACT that I can NOT approach each and every event in this baby's life from a place of mourning and clinging.  She will more than likely be the baby of our family. While we do hope to adopt again, we currently feel that those adoptions will be of older children.  God is sure to have some surprises in store for our family, and we are open to His leading.  More than any plan we create, we want to bend to His will, which means - everything in our home is poised for change at any time.  That disclaimer in place, I expect that this baby will forever be the youngest Dietrich.  I refuse to spend her life being sad about that.

That would be unfair to both of us!

Mourning, so deeply, the end of this pregnancy has been good for me in that it has really opened my eyes to my need to approach this little girl's life with joy, anticipation, and gladness!  I can not and will not approach every first in her life as a last in my own.  I will not mark her personal milestones with my grief in another stage that is forever gone.  She and I deserve so much more.

Sweet baby, I will never be a mom that is THRILLED about you growing up.  I will never be the mom that throws a party when you are done nursing, head off to Kindergarten, or begin driving from the perspective that your growing up frees me up.  I LOVE being a mom.  I always have, and I always will.  I will savor each day, each moment, each milestone.  Yet I promise, my daughter, to celebrate with true gladness each one of your accomplishments.  I will do my very best to encourage your growth and independence, to cheer you on, and never to hold you back.  You are a gift, tiny one.  I am so very thankful that God chose me to be your momma.  So thankful.

I am so, so grateful for the extra days God has given me to work through these feelings.  I know it will take a conscious effort many times during her life to let go rather than cling.  It always does.  However, the time to look deep into my soul and to prepare my heart for this challenge is a healing gift for which I thank God.

I suspect my next post will be the announcement of this precious one's birth, and it will be posted with deep joy.

The time is drawing near, sweet baby, for momma to share you.

I can't wait to see the shape of your nose, the pout of your lips, the color of your hair.  Will you have a dimple like Jamison?  Long toes like Daddy? Will you suck your thumb like Sierra?  Be incredibly, yet sweetly independent like Brenna?  Tease  like Joshua?  Have shockingly gorgeous hazel eyes like Krissy?  The mystery of who you are is about to unfold, and I am most excited to be a witness to it all!

(I only promise to share a tiny bit!  I have always been a baby hog!  In fact I have heard my kids tell their friends that they can come see the baby, but they should not expect to hold her.  Their mom never shares babies! I am certainly guilty as charged when it comes to that "crime!")

Floating Boats

Joshua did not have school today.

His big kids did.

His momma had doctor appointments.

His daddy had to work.

Luckily, Grandpa Scott has retired from his office job, so Joshua was able to spend the day with him.

He was so stinkin' excited!  

The big event of the day?

Building boats out of scrap wood and then floating them in the stream that flows through Grandpa's pasture in the spring!  Though I was not there to watch Grandpa and Joshua build and play, Joshua was able to bring his boats home to show me.  He was thrilled to float his boats in the "stream" that melted snow has made in our ditch.

There are few things more wonderful than spring.  I love watching the snow melt!

Thanks Grandpa for a super fun day!

(And for the record, Jamison was excited to see the boats too.  Floating spring boats is a special memory to my now tall son as well!)

In other Dietrich news, Chad is sporting some spectacles.

He is not very happy about them.  After almost 40 years of perfect vision, it is a big adjustment.

His complaints make me laugh!  I have had glasses/contacts since the fourth grade so I am hardly sympathetic!

Miss Sierra earned her learners permit today.

She is pumped!  Not only can she begin driving, she also received 94 likes for the above picture on Instagram.  Sigh.  Teen culture is an interesting thing!

I teased her that if driving with her is not enough to put me into labor - nothing is!
Ha!

Lastly, baby has remained heads down!  I am so thankful.  Also, my maternity leave has officially began.  My blood pressure continues to be on the high side, so if this little peanut has not arrived by very early next week, we will induce labor.  I would really, really love to avoid an induction.  (I know whine, whine, whine!)  I have been induced several times in the past, and they have all gone very well.  I have no horror stories.  I'd just prefer a less medical birth this time.

So - I am trusting this desire of my heart to God, knowing that He knows what is best for all of us!

(I think Chad may be relieved about an induction.  He had a dream this week that he delivered the baby on the family room floor.  Check that. . . a nightmare!  Knowing we are soon hospital bound is music to his ears.)

39 Weeks

I am feeling totally ready for baby tonight.  My church office is settled.  While I have a to-do list waiting for me on Monday (and always will), things will be just fine if I do not return.

And her crib has arrived and is put together at long last!

 Sierra and Chad got the crib put together just hours after it arrived.

Putting things together is NOT Chad's favorite.  Far from.  He would actually build something from plans he has drawn than try to figure out how to follow instructions on pre-made furniture.  We both laugh (now) remembering the first time he set up a crib.  I was so excited.  He was so irritated.  It was not a great combination!  After that, I always put the crib together.

Until today.

Now that is growth people.  (Ha!)

It looks darling.

39 years old and 39 weeks pregnant feels significant.

While I am feeling extremely expectant - with all the typical symptoms, fatigue, sleeplessness, backaches, some swelling, lots of contractions, indigestion - I also continue to feel very grateful.

This pregnancy has been a gift about which I refuse to complain.  Instead I am savoring each moment.

However, at the same time, I am finally feeling truly anxious for her to arrive.  For weeks I have not been ready - there were things to do!  Additionally, I was not emotionally ready for this sweet connection of pregnancy to end.  It has been such an incredible time, and I have not been anxious for it to end.  Yesterday I finally felt ready. . . antsy. . . weary.

And that too is good.

There is a time for everything, and the time for this tiny one to arrive is quickly approaching.  Though I am mentally prepared to work one more week, I am really hoping she arrives before Monday morning.  I am not sure I have one more week of work left in me.  However, unless we discover she is still breech tomorrow, I fully expect to work next week.  My babies just do not come early, though you officially have my permission to begin praying her here!

Baby Shower

Though I was convinced that I was way too old and have far too many children to be the recipient of a baby shower, some very special friends showered us with love and lots of darling baby things today.  I am one lucky momma.


Brenna was the photographer.  She got some fun shots - but she missed a few things, too.  In fact, she only took shots of me.  Which means the rest of the guests, the beautiful punch, creative centerpiece and decorations, and the yummy buffet will remain our little secret.

 It is still hard to believe that in 12 days this little kicker is due!

Except, of course, when you check out my profile.

For many weeks my kids have told me that I look like I swallowed a basketball.  I think it has been upgraded to a beach ball.  I had a little boy at Joshua's school this week tell me, "That is one BIG baby!"  Joshua thinks it is hilarious when he pretends to dribble my belly like a basketball.  I thought it was funny, too. . . the first time anyway.  

She is one very low baby.  I am constantly paranoid that the bottom of my belly is sticking out of my shirts.  They are plenty big around but most are not long enough to cover her up.  I do not remember this problem from other pregnancies.  It is too bad it is not summer because sundresses would be much more comfy than my current wardrobe.

Other than the naked belly worry, I feel great.  The last two weeks have been over-the-top busy at work.  That did show up in my blood pressure this last week.  It was the highest I have ever seen it.  It was not high enough to totally freak out my doctor, but it did worry me.  Seeing the proof that I was pushing my body too hard caused me to slow down a bit.   I worked shorter days the end of the week and got some extra rest.  I am feeling a bit more sane now.

Dr. I. still thinks baby is heads down.  I am hoping she is correct - the ultrasound on Friday will be the final proof.  While I do think she is correct; I am a bit afraid to get my hopes up too high.  I am certain that baby feels "settled."  Although she still moves a lot, those movements have changed.  She no longer tosses and turns and rolls; she punches, jabs, and kicks.

I am a little over 1 cm dilated and have lots of contractions throughout the day.  I know that sounds like looming labor to some, but it is just normal for me.  I have never gone into labor without a bit of medical help.  I have always been between 3 and 5 cm dilated before real labor has begun.  I will be (happily) shocked if that changes this time.  I'd love to go into labor spontaneously. . . as long as the baby is not born in the car or on the living room floor.  Chad would NOT be happy if that were to happen.  So, I am predicting baby to arrive about 5 days late (assuming she has not flipped breech again) - but I will have everything ready for my leave at work by this Wednesday just in case.

Our home is ready for her as well.

 Her dresser is full of teeny, tiny, freshly-washed clothes.

 Our bags are packed.

And her bed is ready and waiting in our room.

We will meet you soon, sweet baby.

We WILL meet you soon!

Brenna's First Solo

 Last night we attended Brenna's 5th Grade music program.

We did not have good seats for photography.

Sorry Brenna!  I did try!

 It was a special night. . . Brenna sang her very first solo.

(This photo is taken of the screen that projected close-ups of the performers.)

 She was very nervous - but she should not have been.

She did an incredible job.

I was so proud of her.

As was Sierra!

She insisted on a sister shot - selfie style, of course!

Brenna's baby sister seemed to enjoy the show as well.  She put on quite a show dancing in my belly.  Sierra was quite entertained watching my belly rick and roll along with the music.  We both laughed and laughed when the baby kicked in perfect unison with the final note of the night, a whoop of "Yahoo!"

37 Weeks

21 days until baby girl is due.

Crazy.

I know I walk around with undeniable evidence that she will be here soon - but I am still in awe.  We are going to have a baby.  A teeny tiny baby.

People ask me if I am excited?  Am I ready to be done being pregnant?  Uncomfortable?  Anxious?

The truth is yes and no.  I am so very excited, but yet I am also totally content in the moment.  I have LOVED this pregnancy.  I adore her kicks and wiggles and hiccups.  I savor the feeling of her snuggled into my left hip bone.  That is her spot.  Sharing my body with her is a perfect privilege that will soon end - and while there is a time for everything, I am enjoying every last moment of this time.

And no, I am not terribly uncomfortable.  Sure, carrying around 25 extra pounds is a bit hard on the body.  I get tired faster than usual.  I feel like a freight train trying to get out of bed.  But that is just part of the gift.  More than any sort of discomfort, I feel purely and completely blessed.

And is she still breech?

Time will tell.

My doctor will do ANOTHER ultrasound on March 14.  If she is breech, then as soon as it can be scheduled, my doctor will check me in.  She will first try to turn her. . . again.  If she turns, then we will induce labor right away.  If she will not, then I will have a c-section right away.  (March 14 is just over 39 weeks, so she will not be too early.)  If she is heads down, we will wait for labor to start naturally.

At this point I am not predicting ANYTHING!

Cheer Photos 2014

Sierra was a basketball cheerleader again this year.

It was really fun to watch the girls' skills develop.  This year they added stunting, which they loved!

As an added bonus the team they cheered for most won the 8th Grade Championship last night!
That is a FUN way to end a season!