Today is a day in which I wish my blog were highly interactive or that my kitchen was full of moms I love and respect. I long for interaction, challenging ideas, tears, laughter, and understanding. I long to "get it." And at the same time, I realize I have a long way to go. It will be years and years and years before I will "arrive."
I have chosen mothering as my career of choice. Though I have always had a paying gig, sometimes two, Chad and I have always made my top job that of mom. That has worked well for us. I have always been grateful to be released to be momma first and breadwinner second. Chad has felt well supported in his career as well. (Most days that is!)
Through the years I (thought I) have been careful to not define my success through the success of my children. I am available, but I do not hover. I have rejoiced when my kids get caught. I have always embraced natural consequences. I have tried to have a life outside of my children.
My goal has always been to launch adults that have deep character, are responsible, and love the Lord. I thought those were good goals. To my young momma heart, when my kids left home, the way that they chose to live would signify my parenting success.
Sigh.
I feel as though I have aged 20 years in the last 18 months. And yet I do not feel 20 years wiser, just older and less naive.
Sigh again, only longer and deeper.
One of my children has left. While I had hoped that she had left during a season of searching and rebellion, and that she would one day return, I am beginning to realize that she is probably gone forever. And nothing about her launching has gone as I had hoped.
Nothing.
I do not say that in anger.
I do not say that to guilt her if she ever reads this.
I say that because I know I am not the only one who has ever felt this.
But no one ever talks about it.
These last 18 months have broken my heart. Not because my daughter is SO bad - but because my standards and ideals have been blown out of the water. My core beliefs about mothering have been totally wrecked, and it has been very, very painful.
I am beginning to realize (and maybe I will change my mind about this, too) that all we can do as parents is give our kids over to the Lord.
We can and should do so many other things. Parenting does matter - but success in parenting can only be measured by how completely we give our kids over to their Father.
My definition of success was all about things I could not control. I can not control character - that is up to each individual. I can set examples. I can teach it. But, ultimately each of us make our own choices.
The same is true with responsibility.
And as to loving the Lord. . . that is SOOOOO not up to me.
I am wondering if successfully launching our kids is more about letting them go, giving them to the Lord and trusting Him to work in their lives than anything else?
I have learned that if I were God, I would have ended humanity long ago. He is the perfect parent - but we, His children, are so far from what He longs for us to be. For a human momma who loves with a tiny human heart, that is hard. I can not imagine how much that grieves God, our perfect Father, who has the most pure and tender of hearts. God allows us free will (though sometimes I would rather He did not). He teaches us through each mistake. He loves us always. He is patient and kind and forgiving when we are total brats. He celebrates the smallest of victories. He keeps no record of wrong. His love never gives up. When His children fail, it is not because He has messed up - but because they (we, me!) are brats. And yet, His love never ends. His mercies are new every morning. He is faithful.
I have learned that I suck.
I hold onto wrongs way too long. I struggle to forgive. I want to save my kids and when I have to sit back and watch them struggle it wrecks me. I take all sorts of things personally, things that are not even about me. I am impatient. I worry. I fail, over and over and over.
Why would I expect my kids to be any different?
In this season of adult-launching, I have grieved more deeply than in any other season of parenting. I had (and have) dreams for my kids. Letting go of my dreams and hopes and aspirations and giving them fully over to the Lord has been incredibly painful. My dreams are good dreams, I argue with Him daily, hourly even. And He keeps reminding me that His ways are not my ways. I argue that I sure wish His ways were a bit more like my ways, and He quietly reminds me that the story is not complete. He knows the ending, and He will walk next to me and hold me together through each and every chapter. In all honesty, I don't know if the ending will be all that I long for right now - but I know that I can always trust the Author.
Though I can not guarantee that my children will follow the Lord, I can guarantee that I do. I can do my best to love like He loves. I can forgive. I can hope. I can trust. I can pray. I can be patient and kind. And I can, and will, continue to entrust my precious ones to their Father, knowing that only He can save.
Agree? Disagree? If you were sitting at my kitchen table, what would you add to this monologue?Experienced adult launchers, I would love to hear your thoughts. I have 5 more kids to launch, and I surely want to improve my launching skills!
