When our oldest kids were small we had a (very embarrassing) Monday evening tradition. Every Monday night we ate dinner early and rushed through baths in order to snuggle up in front of the TV and watch a show called Fear Factor. It was a ridiculous show that was a game show - of sorts. The competitors had to complete all sorts of "dares" in order to win. They would have to face different fears through outrageous stunts like being buried alive, eating live bugs, etc... I have no idea why we loved this crazy show, but we did.
In the last year or so, I have begun to be aware just how much fear factors into my own life and the decisions I make. While I have never claimed to be a risk-taker; I would have never called myself shackled by fear either. I am learning that while I may not be completely shackled, fear certainly IS a factor for me.
I have an amazing friend who has advised me more than one time "do not make a decision based on fear." The first time she said it I was shocked. I had not even realized that my "sensible" option was, in fact, the choice I would have made because I was afraid of the risk involved with the alternative, though the alternative was truly my hearts cry. I am beginning to realize I have a definite habit of choosing the "sensible" option thus avoiding fear.
About two weeks ago I heard a radio blurb describing the Proverbs 31 woman. One phrase stood out to me "she can laugh at the days to come." (Proverbs 31:25) This was SO not me. You see just the night before I had woken up in sheer terror. I am not sure I have ever suffered anxiety to that extent in the past. In all honesty I am not sure what triggered it. . . touring colleges with Jamison, an unexpected tax payment due, an icky customer, hormones, too much rushing, moving into my office and feeling like a real employee again, unresolved feelings about a previous job... in reality there was nothing terrifying going on in my life. . . but I was struggling with fear of the future in a big way. As the night turned to day, I struggled to untangle myself from the heavy blanket of fear that was weighing me down. I threw myself on my face before the Lord. I soaked in His word. I asked a friend to pray for me. I did an extra workout. It all helped - but the fear remained like a heavy rock in my stomach. While I knew (and know) that fear is not of the Lord, I had the most difficult time wiggling out of its grasp.
Though that fear was not from the Lord, He has used it in these last weeks to refine me, rather than define me.
He first showed me the story of how he fed 5000 with a small lunch. I have read and taught that story many times - but this time He showed it to me. And He reminded me that He has always provided. I argued that I don't want to rely on tiny portions. I want a full pantry and a full bank account. Even as I said it, I knew how faithless it was - but it was also honest. He just held me and listened, while reminding me that I have always had plenty. And He will always provide.
The next thing He pointed out was a verse I have never before noticed. In John 12, Jesus is predicting His death. In verse 27 - 28 He says, "Now my heart is troubled and what shall I say? 'Father save me from this hour'? NO, it is for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name."
Often when I am worried over the future I remember that Jesus was so worried about His impending crucifixion that he sweat beads of blood. That always makes Jesus seem so human to me. Sweating blood is some serious anxiety - yet He faced that future, willingly, for me. But - I had never before noticed this verse.
As only a word from the Lord can, it hit me like a ton of bricks and lifted the weight I had been carrying around in my stomach all at the same time.
I had been fearing my future. I had been longing for God to reassure me that I would have a problem-free future, though I knew that was not His will. I had been wrestling with the (unfounded) fear that He was going to send me into a future that was more than I could handle.
As Jesus looked forward into the worst future ever - bearing the sins of us all - he provided the exact example of how to look into any future. The "problems" in my future may just be the reason for which He created me. They may be His greatest chance to shine, His greatest chance to receive glory.
And that is why we are here - to bring Him glory.
I can not say that my anxiety vanished instantly. But my focus changed instantly, for sure.
I do not know what the future brings - in all honesty, despite my recent anxiety crisis, things look fairly rosey at the moment. But there will always be times of trouble. Always. Always.
However, I need not fear them. Instead I need to grasp onto Him (I have had this image lately of running to Him, like Mataya runs to her daddy, grasping Him around the waist, burying my face into His chest, and soaking in His love. It is so comforting.) and trust that those really, really challenging times are when His glory will be shown most clearly.
