In the last month, it feels as though a bit of the turmoil from the last year and a half has settled. My family and my faith are feeling more settled than they have in a long time. And as healing happens and the fog clears, understanding dawns.
One thing I have heard the Lord whisper over and over and over during the last year is BE STILL!
When I am tempted to give advice that will "fix" my older kids, I hear Him say, "Be still."
When I am tempted to look for another job, just in case business slows down, I hear Him say, "Be still."
When I am tempted to step in the middle of the argument my older children are attempting to solve, I hear Him say, "Be still."
When I am tempted to fix a situation that He has under His wing, I hear Him say, "Be still!"
When I am tempted to rush into a new church congregation, I have heard Him say, "Be still!"
BE STILL is VERY (can not make that bold or big enough) hard for me.
VERY!
But I have worked really, really hard to follow that command.
Sigh long and deep and slow.
(It's been rough, people!)
Sunday, as I stood in church next Krissy and Wyatt, I had a very difficult time not totally losing it. I was over the moon grateful to have them in church next to me. Words can not explain how my heart was brimming. The closest I can come is a memory I have of my grandma, who croaked out the words "my cup runneth over" in a very emotional offering of praise one Sunday long ago when I was with her in church. I have always held that memory, of being personally cherished and of God being glorified by my Grandma close to my heart. BUT until Sunday, I did not fully understand the depth of that feeling.
Sunday, I felt it.
And as we sang:
Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
For it's You we adore
Singing Alleluia, Singing Alleluia
Alleluia
tears slipped silently down my cheeks. And I "got it."
I am called to wait. Just wait. Not fix or scheme or convince. He has asked me to throw my hands in the air and trust Him with it all. Knowing that He will scoop me up.
My hands held high waiting to be scooped up, as Mataya spends much of the day doing, equals dependency. And when my hands are up, they are not busy, they are still.
Waiting for Him.
In adoration.
And simple trust.
In some seasons, God has called me to act. To do. To serve in very specific ways. I like those seasons best. Doing is my comfort zone.
This season of being still has been a definite learning experience. I am so far from perfect, but I am thankful that He has not given up on me. He keeps whispering, "Be still!" and I keep practicing. I continue to seek forgiveness often for my need to control, to fix, to act when that is not yet a part of His plan for me.
I am beginning to identity just how fear and control driven my life once was. I have often acted (helpfully, of course - ha!) trying to "fix" a situation that He was not ready to have "fixed." And as I gaze at that further, I realize the reason that I rushed to "fix" was that I was afraid to give Him full control.
On the other hand, I have refused to act because I was afraid of His plan. I now realize that fear kept me at a church that was no longer the place He was calling me/my family to be for a very long time. I bought into satan's distorted "truth" that to leave would be "bailing." I did not want to be a "church hopper." I was involved in to many things to move on. God, you need me here! I kept insisting. Deep in my soul, I knew He was leading me elsewhere, but I was too afraid to follow. I would need to quit my job. What about finances, Lord? I would need to leave some mission projects that were (too) important to me. How could this be right, Lord? I must be hearing wrong, I insisted.
And in all my stalling, my refusal to obey, there were consequences. My stress level caused my blood pressure to climb dangerously at the end of my pregnancy. Two of my daughters were harmed, emotionally, as well. And my husbands faith was stunted, to say the least.
My church was a good church. It still is a good church. I would never tell anyone to avoid it - but God was calling asus away. I knew it. I just didn't like it. So I refused Him. . . and like every person who refuses God, I was miserable.
Fear held me hostage.
It has taken me a very long time to heal enough from my own sin to see how rooted in fear I was. It took months and months and months months in a quiet dessert. It took the loss of "much" to place Him above it all.
I have missed being known.
I have missed being a part of ministry.
I have missed feeling like I belong.
I have missed so many things.
It has not been easy. It has been the hardest time in my life.
BUT the fruit is truth.
Holy confidence.
Humility.
Growth.
God chose to put me in "time out" for what seemed like forever. "Be still" has been His mantra to my spirit for so long. It was wearying. Lonely. Helpless. Barren. Sad.
And yet, it was also healing.
I am beginning to feel this time of "Be still" ending. (And hilariously that is a little scary, too) I am beginning to feel renewed, refreshed, repurposed. However, if/when He calls me back into "action" I must hold onto these lessons.
I want to forever be:
Waiting here for You
with my hands lifted high in praise
for it's You, I adore.
