I saw this meme the other day, and I paused for the millionth time to consider how drastically my parenting has changed over the years.
Sigh.
The older and more experienced I get, the more I realize I have ssssooooooo much left to learn.
Once upon a time, I was concerned about control. I focused on behavior and obedience. My parenting was rule and consequence based. I said "No!" often - because it felt easier and safer to say no than yes.
Fast forward 22 years (gulp) and my parenting IS vastly different.
I am kinder, gentler, more patient, less rushed.
Where I was once focused on behavior, I have learned to focus on the heart. Character is my goal, rather than obedience. I have learned to think through my children's requests and say yes whenever possible - because it allows them to dream, create, and experience.
I have learned to dole out grace and mercy, rather than consequences. OR in addition to consequences. I encourage my kids to "try that again" or "ask in a different tone" rather than saying "When you ask me in that tone, the answer is NO!"
I have learned to pause and ask myself, "What is fueling this behavior?" Because behavior fueled by fear, hunger, over-stimulation, exhaustion, boredom, frustration, etc... all need to be handled differently. The outside behavior may be the same. Kids only have so many behaviors - but the reason they are behaving a certain way (talking back, whining, tantruming, etc) can vary vastly. Treating a child that is acting out because he is hungry or tired the same was as I would a child who is acting out because he is scared makes no sense.
Example: I recently had a call telling me that one of my children was acting very defiantly when asked to do certain tasks. This child was saying "No! I won't do it!" After speaking to the adult and my child, I realized that in reality my child was scared that the task was impossible and he would fail. Saying "NO!" felt safer than admitting he was afraid. How this professional handled him after realizing the root of his "no" was fear was very different than when she thought he was simply challenging her authority. I have learned to do the same.
I have also learned that sometimes grace and understanding makes a MUCH bigger impact than doling out consequences. We had a very difficult morning, recently. Joshua was tired, grumpy and looking for a fight. I tried to keep things light - but he was not having it. He exploded in a tirade of ugly words and tears before running up to his room to hide. I knew that he knew better. We have never allowed tantrums and ugly words. He knew he was wrong. A lecture would not help the situation. So, I walked up to his room and told him, "Joshua. Some mornings are rough. I think we need to restart. Let's leave early, stop at the gas station and buy a pack of gum." That heartbroken little guy peeled himself out of his bed, wrapped his arms around me and gave me a big sad hug. I kissed his head, and the morning was back on track. He had a productive day at school, and that evening we were able to talk about how he could better handle hard mornings. (Now, if Joshua threw a fit in hopes that I would bribe him with a stop at the gas station for a pack of gum my reaction would be very different! But, he was not manipulating me. He was simply a good kid having an off morning. Additionally, research shows that chewing gum can help regulate emotions - which means there was more than one method to my madness!)
So, it is true. I am a totally different mom than I was years ago. I often think, "Poor Krissy." The grace-giving, bubble gum-buying mom of today is not the mom she knew as a little one. When she says, "Things have really changed around here!" she is correct. Yet, sometimes change is good. In actuality, I hope I continue to change and grow and learn and adjust. I hope to finish well, not retire early. Even if my kids can tag me in every "when I was a kid" meme on FB for the rest of my life!
***For the record, Krissy has never tagged me in a meme. But if she did, it would probably be legit!
