Four years ago, today, I took this picture.
I am not one to take selfies. But four years ago, on this very day, I was feeling sad and nostalgic and grateful and excited and I wanted to forever remember each and every feeling.
I knew it was the last day, in my entire life, that I would be pregnant. I LOVED being pregnant. And my pregnancy with Mataya was extra-special because I was older, calmer, wiser - and I knew to savor each kick and enjoy every hiccup. This particular pregnancy had been such a precious, sacred time in my spirit. God used that tiny baby growing inside of me to restore hope in my soul. I was sad to let go of that precious time.
I was also over-the-moon-excited to meet our baby!
(And. . .I was hopeful that one day in the not too distant future I would be able to wear pants that zipped.)
On this day, I knew it was time to move forward, but for once in my life, I chose to fully embrace an experience. To live completely, totally in the moment. And savor the goodness.
It was beautiful.
As I head to bed tonight, with my home bathed in pink for our precious Mataya Hope's pinkalicious party tomorrow, I once again feel a little sad.
Today was the very last day that I will ever have a three year old, and rather than fully savor the sweet silliness of my littlest girl, I focused on the mundane. Grocery lists. Graduation party planning. Cleaning. Long run. Cupcake baking. Sure, I cheered when she completed a 50 piece puzzle. I tickled her and hugged her tight when I returned from the store. I let her mix the cupcakes. I held her on my lap while we ate supper. BUT - and this BUT is HUGE - rather than savor it, rather than notice the gift that it is, I galloped through the day. I parented well. I got a ton done. Yet, I missed it.
In the rush and the noise and the planning, I missed the gratitude. That moment of looking across the room and fully embracing how blessed I am to be her mom. How incredibly lucky I am that she says, "Mom! I love you!" at least 20 times a day. I didn't remember to breathe in the scent of her when she wrapped her arms and legs around me in the greatest hug ever given by a three year old little girl to the mom she adores.
So, I am headed off to bed now. In the middle of the bed lies a sleeping princess. Daddy is at the lake (until tomorrow), so Mataya gets to sleep with me. And tonight when we lie cheek to cheek and she is hogging my pillow and my blanket and way more of the bed than someone her size should be able to hog, I will breathe in the scent of her. I will savor her touch and her kicks. When she wakes up earlier than I wish saying, "Mommy is it morning time yet?" I will choose utter, complete gratitude.
I may have gotten caught up in the rush today, but that is not the life I will choose. I choose to savor. I choose to laugh. I choose to embrace the moments. I choose to live full of gratitude.
