Over the next hour, my spirit calmed. I went back to a fitful sleep for an hour or so. However, I struggled all day, vacillating between sleepy and irritable, all the while inquiring of the Lord, "What is up with me?"
As the day wore on the answer emerged.
February.
UFF! February is always such a hurdle for me.
It is dark and cold.
Chad works long, crazy hours moving snow.
I work long, crazy hours, parenting solo and billing that snow.
And fresh air comes with a price. . . frostbite.
The rest of Christmas is long past.
Spring seems a distant dream.
The tax bill looms closer.
And just when I think I have everything figured out financially, one minor emergency or another pops up that will put a pinch in my plan.
BUT deeper than all that is the very fact that February is a spiritual battle ground for me. It is the month I am most likely to struggle with sleepless nights, irrational worries, and very real anxiety.
For some reason, naming a problem makes me feel better. More powerful. Capable (maybe) of conquering it.
As the day has rolled into night, I have been naming the fears that flood my gut and brain. I have been labeling them.
They seem to come in a few categories:
-not actually my problem
-borrowed problem (meaning it may be possible but there is no reason to think it will happen)
-irrational problem
-real problem that I need to turn over to the Lord and wait on Him
-real problem I need to turn over to the Lord AND work on as He leads
This year, I feel called to claim PEACE as my anthem, my goal, my heart song. Which means I need to face February in a new way. I need to claim it as a battle ground, knowing that I will likely be attacked. I need to arm myself.
I need to rest.
Always, always when I feel peace fleeing. . . When I feel stress rising. . . When the sounds of my children calling for me. . . AGAIN make me want to yell a snide response. . . When Chad snoring makes me want to grab a pillow and head to a hotel. When I have had ENOUGH. . .
I need rest.
So tonight, instead of scrubbing dirty floors and finishing a work project I started this afternoon, I am blogging. I am shining His flashlight on my soul. I am drawing a deep breath and feeling my muscles relax (even with my exhausted husband snoring like a chainsaw in the family room and my four year old asking for one more snack from her bedroom.)
Knowing I need rest (which to me means white space. . . time when I am not striving to accomplish one task or another) kind of stresses me out. I don't know how to rest right now. There is just so much to do.
And then I reread this:
Girl, read your Bible.
-author unknown
You can eat all the kale,
buy all the things,
lift all the weights,
take all the trips,
trash all that doesn't spark joy,
wash your face and hustle like mad,
but it you don't rest
your soul in Jesus,
you'll never find peace and purpose.
So, if peace is my goal, I must rest.
Jesus, I do not know how to rest in this season. It feels like there is too much to do to rest. And although busy drains me of peace and joy and hope, there is something addictive about it. Keeping busy pushes thought away. It gives me a sense of power and control. But that is the problem, isn't it Lord. I was never supposed to be in control, You are. You are! I don't know how to rest when I want to run and hide. I don't know how to lean into You right now. To just be still and know. It makes me feel squirmy and wiggly inside. Teach me, Lord. For I know in the depths of my soul that what I long for is You. So wrap me in your arms, just as I have wrapped my overtired babies, and hold me close as I learn to relax in Your embrace and trust that You always have my very best in mind. Hold me, Jesus, I pray. I need You.
