Homeschooling Joshua is one of those things.
I do not want to go into a lot of details and thus betray Joshua's trust, but some days are ugly. Joshua does not value traditional learning, AND it does not come easy. This makes homeschooling a wonderful option for him. One on one learning makes lessons shorter and more personal, leaving less room to become frustrated and confused. Shorter lessons gives him more time to explore things he enjoys and is naturally good at. It is a slam dunk for him.
For me. . .
It is the right choice.
It is possible.
It is saving my son's mental health.
I have a front row seat as he becomes more confident. (We see his growing confidence in so many ways. He will request we take his photo. He wants to hear more about his past. He asks questions. He is more willing to try new things.)
I am able to see His faith develop. He gobbles up Bible time. Every other subject has come with tension, but not Bible. And he has successfully memorized many verses.
I see him learning and growing scholastically. He is starting to love stories. Where he once thought he hated books, through quality books being read aloud, I see his passion for books and story growing. Through one on one instruction, his ability to read on his own is also blossoming.
BUT - it is not without struggle. Nothing I have ever done has been as emotionally exhausting. If I push too hard, he freezes. The trauma switch goes off, and it is OVER. If I do not push enough, he does not progress. He is happiest in his comfort zone, so pushing himself forward does not happen.
Yet.
This is the verse, I claim for him daily. It is from Psalm 51:12
"Restore to Joshua the joy of your salvation
and grant to Joshua a WILLING SPIRIT
and grant to Joshua a WILLING SPIRIT
to sustain him."
My greatest desire is that Joshua will have a willing, joyful spirit. That where he is now resistant and guarded, the Lord will redeem and restore.
The first weeks in January have been brutally difficult. Brutally.
I was at a place where I did not if I could go on. I knew it was best for Joshua. I knew it was the task that the Lord was calling me to in this season, but I did not know if I could continue.
And God sent me this:
"When we don't see results from our work for the Lord, it can feel disappointing and even create doubt. But when we walk in faith and obedience to God, we can be sure our labor is not futile or wasted. 1 Corinthians 15:58 reminds us because we have victory through Jesus we can "...be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." (except from a devotion on the First 5 ap)
I don't know what your seemingly fruitless work is, but I am certain you have some. We all do. The struggle is real. Thankfully, we are not alone in it. God always meets us in the hard of His service.
I needed His encouragement that morning in January. Somehow, this reminder that my work is not futile brought me peace. My circumstances did not change that week. They did not change for part of the next. But slowly, ever so slowly things have improved. And Friday, we had some moments of peaceful productivity unlike any we had had thus far in 2019.
I am thankful for these moments. Even more, I am thankful for a God who not only calls us BUT sustains us.
Our theme verse for this semester of school is Nehemiah 8:10
"This day is HOLY to our LORD.
Do NOT grieve (or whine and complain)
for the JOY of the LORD is our
STRENGTH."
And while I am convinced He will test us. I have NO DOUBT that He will also meet us in the hard and His JOY will become our STRENGTH.
PS - Although much of this post casts a negative shadow over Joshua, I want to clarify that outside of school tasks he is a delight. He is helpful, thoughtful, obedient and hard-working. And his attitude is capable of flipping like a switch. If school is rough, he can let it go quickly and move past it as we move into "family mode." He may be difficult to teach, but our relationship is stronger from the experience rather than crumbling.
