This may the oddest Thanksgiving post ever. Hang with me, I will get to the thankful part. . . I promise.
One thing I have long wished for is to work less. I was once a stay at home mom, and that continues to be my dream job. That does not mean I hate my jobs. I do not. I am very thankful for the work God has provided me, and I see Him using me in the jobs He has placed me into.
In June of 2011, I (key word there) came up with a plan. I wanted to be home, rather than working. I wanted to adopt more kids, and I could not stomach the idea of sending them to day care. So, I suggested we sell our home and downsize. I also chose to trade my SUV and downsize my vehicle. I was quite sure this was THE plan. In order to sell this plan to my husband, I agreed to look for a home in the country. He had long wanted to live out of town, so my "bribe" was enticing.
By July 2011 our home was on the market.
Then we began looking for homes. We found NOTHING that would fit the needs of our family. Either the location was wrong. The size was wrong. Or the price was wrong.
By Christmas 2011, I was convinced that God had closed all doors to my plan. I had offered up my home, and He had left it in my hands. I was eagerly anticipating pulling it off the market in January. I thought Chad agreed.
I thought wrong.
He wanted to leave the house on the market. Even though there was NOTHING to buy. Even though it was winter and there was NOTHING to rent. We could live in our camper in his shop, he reasoned.
I did everything in my power to talk him out of keeping our house on the market. In the end, I decided to submit to the wishes of my husband.
A few weeks later, we found out lot.
Then we started drawing our home. We did not downsize. In fact, the home plan includes a larger garage and equal square feet to the home we were leaving. It gave me a stomach ache.
Then our home sold, and we needed to be out sooner than I wished. We would need to move into campers. My stomach ache increased. I did not want to live in campers. At! All! EVER!
During all this I held out hope that somehow( because of the work we were doing ourselves), my dream of a downsized mortgage would happen.
In the last weeks, amid the chaos and heartbreak of the flood, it has become clear to me that the downsize dream will not happen. And I am honestly really, really heartbroken. To me, all the chaos and work has been for naught. I know how odd that may seem. I have received a beautiful home. It was designed byChad and I for our family, and quite honestly, it functions beautifully. It is perfect for our crew.
But, it will require many, many years of me working just as much as I am right now. And that is NOT what I wanted.
This full circle has brought me to a mini-midlife crisis. I am not sure if this home is what God wanted for us OR if it is the desire of our hearts alone. However, I do know that whether it was God's plan or not, He can and will work it for His good, because misguided or not, we do long to follow Him. I know that He has a plan for me. A plan to prosper NOT to harm me. A plan to give me a hope and a future.
I am at a loss right now as to what that future should be. There are so many loose ends. I have an absolute passion for mothering. I feel like God has given me a heart that sees the needs of kids from hard places. I do not see how we could pursue another adoption any time soon. I am very competent at bookkeeping for Chad. I see God using me at my desk at our church. However, I am longing for more. . . My brain is full of possibilities, questions, and grief as I consider where He may be leading me. I realize that HIs plans are not always my plans, at least to start, and I desperately want to know what His pans are. I want to serve Him with confidence, joy, and a peaceful heart.
So, although I could list all kinds of blessings I am thankful for this Thanksgiving, I will list just one. I am thankful that God has a plan. I am thankful that through prayer God will "fill me with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding" (Colossians 1:9).
I heard this song today, and it both challenged me and ministered to my soul.
I have certainly not lost it all, but the plans I held in my heart have failed.
I confess that I have not responded with my hands lifted. My heart and my hands have drooped rather than clinging to the One who holds my very life in His hands.
So this Thanksgiving, I choose to lift my hands. I choose to be deeply thankful for all that He has given. I choose to trust that He has a glorious plan for me. And that in time, that plan will be fully revealed.
