Last Friday, we successfully closed on the permanent financing for our house. It was a CRAZY week of hard, hard work - but in the end the city, the appraiser, and the bank were all satisfied. The loan is closed at long last, and I am very relieved. While we do have work we still need to complete in the master bathroom, garage, and yard - it is now on OUR time line.
However, we have NOT reached a settlement with the plumber's insurance company. A settlement appears to be near, but until it is reached all the bills for the repairs remain at the forefront of my mind. It is hard to relax and enjoy not having to work on the house when I am concerned about these bills.
We also continue to feel robbed of a "new" home. I know that most of you will never notice the damage, but we do. We notice beat up trim boards, scratches on the floor, and carpet that was not quite installed correctly the second time. One thing I learned during the flood repairs is that the only thing worse than building a house yourself is paying someone to do bad work. It was an ugly process, and I will be so thankful when it is officially behind us.
So please join me in praying that a settlement happens this week. Having the bills paid before Christmas would be a HUGE load off my shoulders.
I have been thinking about that a lot this last week. It seems as though there is always just one more detail separating me from really being able to relax and enjoy. While this insurance settlement is a huge issue dollar wise, it is truly not just a small detail, I have been thinking a lot about learning to have peace in the moment - no matter the moment.
That is a challenge for me. I am a doer. I am good at getting the job done, organizing the task, rallying the troops. That is my gift. I can juggle quite a lot, sleep very little, and still continue to smile.
I thrive when tasking, yet the past 6 mo. have pushed me too far. I have continued to function fairly well, but my level of anxiety is much higher than normal. The small stuff can cause me to have to take a breath and talk myself down. I am feeling so much better, almost like my former self, but when stress enters I feel myself react in a much more sensitive way than "I" should.
I keep thinking when certain events happen, then I will feel "all better." When I have an office set back up in our house. . . When we close. . . When my bedroom is no longer a construction zone. . . When the insurance settlement check arrives and all the bills are paid. . . When I am able to take a couple of days off around Christmas. . . THEN I can relax!
I will be very relieved when all thise tasks are completed: however, I know is that there will never be a time when things are all in order and I can just relax, enjoy, and feel perfectly at peace. In a house with 5 kids, perfect peace never lasts long (smile!)
So I have been challenging myself to relax even though my life is NOT relaxing. I did not go to bed last night with a clean house. You can laugh. That is a big deal for me. I "need" to have my home clean and the laundry done on Sunday night so that my week starts well. I also did not begin the week "caught up" on the work I do for Chad. I had a HUGE pile of mess on my desk this morning.
I did take a nap yesterday afternoon. I did go to dinner and a movie with my husband last night. I did come home late, walk right by the mess, and go to bed really peacefully last night. And this morning, when I realized that Jamison had wet running tights, I laughed - even though it was 8* and he had practice this afternoon! I decided that I could and would take advantage of the flexibility my job allows and come home this afternoon (rather than working as usual). I could sort through my pile of mess, do his laundry, and get back to town in time to deliver it before practice.
While I confess to having a minor panic attack when I opened a couple of personal bills, all in all, it was a good day. I am working on being peaceful when life is not. I'd rather be peaceful and have a perfectly peaceful life - but the reality is my life is rarely peaceful and never perfect. So, I am working hard at learning how to choose peaceful emotions despite the chaos around me.
While I can not fully claim this verse:
"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:11-13
I am working on it! I am so thankful for His word, His promises, and His strength. When I let go emotionally and let God comfort me and fill me up my heart relaxes and feels His perfect peace.
So I will continue to pray, for action and answers, WHILE sinking in emotionally and allowing God to be God. To work as He wills and hold me tight all through the journey.
