I am THE MOST frazzled and disorganized I have ever been in my whole entire life. Evidence being, I planned my whole day around Joshua's preschool program today. I made sure he got a nap. We practiced his part. I got him dressed. We drove around kids for 4 hours - no exaggeration. We ate dinner in the car because there was no time to go home for dinner. ONLY TO DISCOVER that I had the date wrong. His program is actually Thursday.
"I" don't do things like that.
I have maybe half of our Christmas gifts purchased and NOT one it wrapped.
I have 8+ hours of work to do for Chad yet this week.
Every evening this week is full of activities.
I have menus to make, groceries to buy, cleaning to do.
I do not feel peaceful or joyful.
I feel rushed, frenzied, and frustrated.
And that makes me feel guilty.
How does any of this honor Jesus' birth?
How does the tasking and preparing and rushing and performing give Him any glory?
How do I ditch all the tasking and not disappoint our family?
I am filled with questions, while running in survivor mode.
In all reality for this year, I will get most of it done one way or another. I can always sleep less, right? Chad will help. Meals can be simple. My house does not have to look like a museum.
But, for next year we have much soul searching to do. Some of the frenzy is due to the move/flood/being and feeling unsettled still. Some I can conquer next just because God-willing my life will be a bit more structured and manageable. Some must be wrestled through and pinned down in a more God honoring way.
I want to savor the Christmas season.
I want to sink in and bask in His love.
I want more of Him and less of this rush.
I want to worry more about pleasing Him and less about pleasing my kids when they open their gifts.
I want to focus MORE on hanging with the people I adore and LESS on the tasks I need to perform to make our hanging "perfect." (This one I can work towards this year! So thankful I have the honor of hosting Chad's family. So thankful they are always willing to help. So thankful they want to BE together, to laugh, and to share our stories MORE than anything else! I know the stress I feel is about MY expectations of MYSELF, not what you demand of me.)
Rather than the rush and the failure I am allowing to sneak into my heart, I want moments like THESE to DEFINE my Christmas.
This afternoon after Joshua was dressed and ready for his "program" we had this super silly photo shoot. We had so much fun.
THAT is how I want to spend Christmas, laughing and losing all track of time and tasks as I enjoy those I hold most dear.
Praying I will remember that very real and honest goal as the tasks close in tomorrow morning!
