Chad and I have been married for 17 years, and although life has not always been easy, marriage has.
We have always gotten along really well. We have the ability to work together, parent together, and still remain a couple in love.
This year has been the ultimate test for us. We have not agreed on everything. The year started with a disagreement about whether or not to sell a home, and (as you well know) it did not go smoothly from there forward.
We followed "Chad's" plan of action. It was not mine, and though I did my best to have a good attitude - I struggled.
In all honesty, he did his very best to make uncomfortable living comfortable. He made sure to dump the tanks in the campers, which is super yucky! He got the TV to work, the A/C to work. He rigged up a laundry area in the shop. No one could have worked harder to get our home done. No one could have made it more beautiful.
But, the events of our life in the last six months took a toll on us. We had NO privacy. We both worked like slaves. I felt more like an employee, cook, laundress, and nanny than the adored wife I have always been. We continued to task well together, though our hearts were distant.
The week we moved out of our flooded home and into a hotel I was so angry with Chad that I feared I would never get over it. I have never, ever, ever felt that way. Some of the anger was righteous, some was pure emotion, some was deep grief - but ALL was terribly divisive. I knew that I had a choice to make. I could forgive him and we could move on, or I could hang on to my anger and let life get really ugly. I knew the right course of action, however I was incapable of following it.
So I sent a 911 email to several trusted friends asking them to pray for me. I needed their prayer support in order to "get over myself."
I am so thankful for good friends. Sometimes I get too far off the deep end to even pray in the right direction, and they filled that gap for me. They did not judge or lecture. They just vowed to pray.
Truly, that very same week, I could feel the anger begin to dissipate. I worked HARD to not allow myself to linger on my "mad list," (those things I knew I had every right to be really, really mad about because how could he. . .) and I trusted my friends to pray.
I am so thankful I chose to work hard at redirecting my thoughts. I am so thankful I chose to let go. You see, marriage is not magic. There are times when you have to choose to love your spouse, times when you have to choose commitment to your family over your "rights." It is not easy, but it is so worth it.
Slowly my anger calmed. Chad and I had some really good talks. He understood my hurt. He gave me space to think and grieve. He also chose to give up sleep in order to make us breakfast each morning.
That has been a HUGE blessing. For most of our marriage, I was primarily a stay at home mom. I did it all, quite happily. In the last years when I have been working more and more, doing it all (in regard to the household duties) has gotten increasingly difficult. This year when getting 5 kids to 4 different schools each morning, before arriving at work myself, was added to my list, I was very overwhelmed. The fact that Chad has chosen to help me in the mornings is such a relief.
His act of service - daily service - has been a huge source of love and comfort. It has made me feel noticed, appreciated, and supported. . . kind of like a wife instead of an employee!
In the last week, I feel like I am rediscovering my husband. My best friend and biggest cheerleader is back, and I am so thrilled. I really, really, really missed him.
19 years ago last night, Chad asked me to marry him. That "YES!!!!!" is absolutely the best decision I have ever made. No doubt about it. To calabrate, we drove around looking at Christmas lights eating ice cream, sharing dreams, and listening to Christmas music - just like we did the night Chad asked me to be his wife. It was so good to just be together, remembering how far we have come.
Tonight, in perhaps what is the most epic act of love ever, Chad volunteered to take the little kids Christmas caroling with friends at church so I could come home and rest since I have been struggling with a killer headache. I am seriously in shock even as I type. I am also so grateful.
It was not smooth, or easy, or natural - but with effort our marraige is returning to normal.
I don't know how your marriage is tonight. It may be all candles and roses. It may also be an angry flood. Either way, I want to encourage you to choose love and commitment. If things are bad, choosing love and commitment (and that does not mean being a doormat) will ensure they will improve. The angry flood will only create destruction.
Choose wisely friends. Be grateful. Forgive always. Choose to love even when it's hard because when you do you will soon "feel" like loving again.
Thank you dear friends for praying for me. You did much to heal my heart. I am truly grateful.
