After C & L, we looked at the profiles of many children in the US foster system. One, GZ, we got very close to adopting. But then our home sold, and we knew that with GZ's special needs, camper living would be impossible. So we backed away. I continue to pray that God placed GZ in just the family He had in mind, that he has received the medical treatment he needed, and has gone on to a completely normal, happy, and healthy childhood.
As we survived the home building process, I continued to pray for the children God may have for our family. As soon as I was rested and "sane" enough to consider an addition to our family, we renewed our homestudy and started searching again.
Over this past summer, I went through the waiting children lists from each and every state. I read every profile. For each child that I thought our family may be a possibility, I sent a request to our social worker to inquire about him/her/them. I printed every child's profile, and though it is unlikely any of these children will become a Dietrich, I continue to carry them all in my computer bag. These beautiful children have been tossed around so much that it hurts my heart to consider throwing their profiles into the trash, so instead I keep them tucked in my computer bag and pray for them.
This fall, there was M. M would be Joshua's dream brother. Demographically, he is exactly who Joshua has been praying for. We spoke with M's mom, and I fell in love with her. I do not know the end of M's story. I do know that M will be added to the list of kids I carry in my heart and prayers, always.
Even when I learned I was pregnant, I felt completely comfortable moving forward in adoption. I still do - if God opens the doors. However, that is unlikely, at this point. Few workers would (or should) place a child in a home with an expecting momma OR a newborn sibling. I understand and respect that. I am totally aware of how careful I need to be in calming a terrified, tantrumming child right now. I also clearly remember just how much energy a newborn requires! I have no desire to be foolish.
And yet, when Joshua sits down next to me and says with a huge sigh, "Mom. Do you know the only bad part about the baby? He is going to have white skin, just like all of the rest of you! Everybody in this family has white skin but me! Even the DOG, mom! I know. . . because I checked!" my heart breaks.
The desire of his little heart so clearly mirrors the desire of Chad's heart and my heart, and yet - we wait.
Sometimes, this crazy adoption journey has frustrated me. There are so many children in need of families. We are willing - but God has not connected the dots yet. It does not really add up
I am sometimes overwhelmed wondering how many more I will be called to carry?
How many children more does my heart have room to love and pray for from afar?
How many more homestudies will we complete and not "use?"
God has been whispering one answer to this incredibly complex question. It is this, "Faith is being sure of what you hope for and confident in what you can not see," Sierra's favorite verse. . . Hebrews 11:1.
I can not see God's plan in all of this. I do not know what the outcome will be. Yet, I DO know that He has a plan. He has a plan to prosper each of the children I carry in my heart and every child that is left longing. He has a plan to prosper them, not to harm them. His plan for each them includes HOPE and a beautiful future. He has that very same plan for me and my family. While His specific plan for each of us will work itself out in very different ways, the plan is the same.
I am SURE of what I hope, and He has proven time and again that I can be CONFIDENT in what I can not see. I trust that He is holding and watching and protecting each of the precious ones I carry in my heart. I hope someday to know the rest of their story, but even if I never do, I am thankful that He introduced me to them. I am thankful to be their prayer warrior. I will continue to battle for each of them in prayer as I carry them with me day by day. And if God adds more children to my list, I will be honored to carry them close as well.
