Last week was hard.
For one thing, since discovering I was pregnant I have fought fear in a way I have never fought fear before. I am thrilled to be pregnant; yet after the last couple of very bumpy years, I fear hopefulness. So many things have not gone smoothly or as I have expected, that I am terrified something will happen to this baby. Having an uneventful pregnancy, like I have in the past, seems too much to hope for.
I did not want to tell the kids when we did. But since Sierra figured it out, my hand was forced. I didn't want to tell other people either, but once again my hand was forced as I did not want to burden the kids with secrecy. I allowed the news to be leaked, but I was terrified that I would lose the baby and then have to explain it over and over and over again.
Then we went to the doctor and heard his/her heartbeat. Usually that makes my heart rest. This time it has made the baby feel that much more real AND the possible loss that much more real as well. I do not know how to explain how conflicted I feel. I SO want to be over-the-moon with excitement, yet fear keeps holding me back.
Finally, I blogged about baby. Chad suggested it. It is time to celebrate, time to process, time to prepare. Since the way I do those things is through blogging, blogging seemed the obvious place to begin.
In the end it only opened up another "can of worms." Though I have heard a genuine congratulations from many people, I have heard:
- are you kidding?
- are you crazy?
- do you realize how many years you will be parenting?
- better you than me!
- you actually planned this?
- how old are you anyway?
- you have to be done someday!
- how many kids do you plan to have?
- etc, etc, etc. . . over and over and over again.
By the end of the week, I was completely emotionally exhausted. Maybe we are crazy? Maybe I am too old? Maybe. . . I felt a deep need to protect this baby and our decision to have him/her ALONG with this crazy fear of loving him/her. It was not where I wanted to be. I kept reminding myself that I was not created with a spirit of fear - fear is not from God. I reminded myself that this baby, along with the rest of my children belong to the Lord. No matter how small their beating heart's may be, they are His creation. As a mom, my job is to trust His will for each of my children from the beginning to the end. I fought valiantly, but fear continued to creep into my heart.
And then I got the photo of my dear friend cradling her grandson and my heart sighed. I am not sure I can express it correctly, but in that moment I was certain that despite the craziness this pregnancy is to so many other people, it is right. My heart is still set on motherhood. Seeing that itty bitty baby made my arms ache, and I knew that being Grandma was NOT the role I am being called toward. I get to be a mommy again. Seriously, how incredible is that? It is just SUCH a perfect, wonderful gift.
In all honesty, my fear continues. I am a work in progress, and I am constantly giving this tiny little baby back to the Lord, promising to trust Him with this little one always. But my heart is also fully content. I know I will continue to hear comments that make me cringe, people are people. Those comments no longer break my heart or cause me to feel defensive. THIS is right. It is good. It is precious. And I am blessed.
Beyond scared, I feel great. I was never truly sick, but I was an extremely picky eater for a while. Meat, which I normally love, was disgusting to me. Sleep is surely my friend. AND unlike in my last couple of pregnancies, when I am tired, I sleep. I am still walking or jogging with the dog most days. I have not gained a pound, but the only pants that fit have drawstrings. I will be honest and say that I miss drinking tons of coffee each morning, decaf is just not the same. I also miss a glass of wine after a long day a whole bunch!
One of the best parts of this pregnancy is that Chad has been completely amazing. He has a much more flexible schedule than he has in the past. Our business is still fairly high maintenance, but much easier than it was years ago. Our kids are old enough that they are pretty self-sufficient. We also have a bit more flexibility with our finances. So, now when I text him that I feel crummy, he responds "Take a nap. I will pick up pizza for supper." He thinks my expanding belly is kind of cute, which makes it easier for me to watch it grow. He waits up for the teenagers and tucks me into bed. He makes me breakfast every morning and laughs when I cringe at weird things like melted cheese. He is more indulgent than I have ever experienced in 19 years of marriage, and I am totally appreciating feeling spoiled and treasured.
