(Photo credits go to Joshua. He's practicing taking selfies for when he gets a phone. Yep. Really.)
When Krissy was born I had NO desire to EVER be a stay at home mom. Ever. Perhaps the greatest surprise of our marriage came the day I told Chad that rather than apply for teaching jobs after I graduated magna cum laude from college, I thought I should stay at home with Krissy for a year. After all, I reasoned, if I went to work for a year we would change our spending habits and my chance to try motherhood as a profession would be gone forever. He agreed, with the added idea that we have our second child during my year at home.
My first year as a stay at home mom was HARD! Not because I didn't enjoy being with the kids - but because I struggled to see myself as important. I had long measured my personal worth by measurable achievements - grades, pay checks, promotions, words of affirmation. As a stay at home mom those measurable achievements are not very evident. That was hard on me.
Finally Chad encouraged me to get a job. He told me that since I obviously did not feel good about being home with the kids, I should work. He said he knew I did many important things throughout the day, but if I could not recognize that then working might be a good idea. All he wanted was for me to feel good about myself.
That was a life-changing conversation for me. It freed me in so many ways to just be me. And who I have always been called to be was a mom.
During my tenure as a stay at home mom I almost always had some sort of paying job or another. Sometimes I had two. But always, always my "other jobs" allowed my main focus to be my mommy job. For me that is ideal.
During the past three years though, I have functioned as a full time working mom. Being a full time working girl changed everything. I sent Joshua to day care - which to me was terribly, horribly difficult. I do see how God used that experience to grow my son, but in complete honesty, if I had those years to live over again AND I had the financial option to be home more, I would never, ever send him to day care as much as he was sent. I truly believe that Joshua did not suffer (with the exception of his first day care placement which was TERRIBLE); however, I can not say the same for me.
Although I never got accustomed to sending my child to day care, I did get used to rushing all the time. I got used to having time away from the chatter and needs of my children. Sure, I was in an office and constantly needed - but being needed as a professional is much different than as a mom. I got used to buying groceries in a crazy rush - alone. I got used to feeling guilty all the time. I got used to my brain being too full of "to do's" to really listen to anyone. I got used to being tired and overwhelmed all the time. I got used to being able to get more things done in a day than should be humanly possible. In my own way, I learned to balance it all. We made it work.
After Mataya was born, I felt like I was on vacation. I was SO very happy to be home - but I never let ,y guard down. I thought I was heading back to both jobs, so although I rested and enjoyed my time at home with our baby girl, I never let my brain fully relax. It was busy with plans for how we would manage once I went back to work.
About two weeks before I was due back at my job, some things happened and Chad and I decided it would be best for everyone if I did not return to my job. At first that decision was just plain old stressful. Was it really wisest? What if... and what if... and what if...
However three weeks later, it is just so sweet! I feel myself and our whole household decompressing. My brain is finally slowing down. When the kids talk I can totally focus on what they say. I ask fewer questions because I actually remember what they tell me. When Chad calls, I can actually listen to the details he is sharing about his day. Some days I jump on the trampoline! I have had coffee with friends. The kids have friends over all the time - and it is not stressful to me. I do not feel like I am always running behind, always failing just a little bit. If I do not have my entire house clean by the time I go to bed on Sunday night, I am not in a panic. I will be able to clean Monday. I have time to lay on the floor and giggle with Mataya. I force Joshua's focus off the stinkin' TV, and talk him into reading books. . . and he likes it! I make lunch. I get to greet Jamison after XC practice and hear about his run. I am learning to snap chat via my teens (and I really stink at it). When Chad takes a nap many nights after dinner, I think it's cute. I drive Sierra to practice and enjoy the time I have with her in the car. Some days, I even get to go for a run.
Nineteen years into mothering, the transition to being a stay at home mom once again has felt like coming home. It feels like I am able to be who God created me to be. It feels like finally fitting into my favorite jeans once again (at least I think this is what that will feel like - LOL!).
That does not mean my life is stress free. I get way less sleep than is advisable - but if I get up really early I can get all my book work for Chad's company done before the kids wake up. I have three teenagers, one who plans to move out very, very soon - need I say more. There is always an errand to run, which means I must wake up the sleeping baby all the time and that breaks every mom rule in the book! Juggling it all is still crazy - but this juggling is what I was created to do. I am thriving rather than surviving, and it feels wonderful.
And for the record, although the last three years have been my most stressful ever, I do not regret them. My tenure at our church helped make our church's partnership with CHC possible. Working with CHC in Ethiopia represents a personal dream of mine. I am so very thankful that God has given that dream wings. Also without my job, Mataya would probably not be here. We have not had maternity insurance for years, but my insurance through the church made having another baby possible. And she is, without a doubt, the most amazing "bonus" I could ever, ever ask for!
This Fall, Mataya and I will transition back into office life. Once Chad has moved his business to our new location, Mataya and I will spend three days a week at the office. I'm sure that will make life a bit crazier, however, it will be far less crazy than the 2 job juggle I have been doing for the past several years!
This summer is a gift. I feel like my soul is awakening. I feel free to be me.
Thank you Jesus.
