A Month of Wonder: Lessons from my 40th Year

A new year - both on the calendar and in my life - makes this time of year incredibly nostalgic for me.  As I look back on 2015, my 40th year of life, I feel as though I learned many things.  Here are a few of them, posted in no particular order.

1. Less Sleep and MORE Jesus is the right answer.

Getting up at 5 am for scripture and journaling is hard.  I sometimes think a bit of sleep, and then sneaking in some Bible time later in the day would be a good idea. . . until my day begins.  When I skip my quiet time, I always regret it.  Jesus first.

2. When it comes to exercise - listen to my body.

I LOVE to exercise.  It can actually be a source of frustration because time is definitely an issue.  If I could do things as I wish, I would work out for an hour or two every day.  I would love to train for a half marathon.  HOWEVER, at this point in my life, I do not have that time.  This year I have learned to make listening to my body the priority.  Some days I have a tempo run planned, but my body is exhausted so I switch to Pilates or a short ab routine.  On an average day the most time I can allow for a workout is 20-30 minutes, some days even that is truly impossible.  I have learned to be grateful rather than greedy when it comes to exercise.  There will come a day, God-willing, that I do have time to train for a half-marathon.  Today He is calling me to different things.  He has also allowed me to care for the body He gave me in less time than I once thought possible.  Though my exercise time has been short and sporadic, I end this year stronger and leaner than I began it.  To Him be the glory, for He created me.

3. Taking care of me, CAN be a priority.

I have worked hard in the past year to take better care of myself.  I have had my hair cut regularly.  I have purchased a few outfits.  I have made taking care of me a part of our budget.  You can giggle - but this is HARD for me.  I love buying things for Chad and the kids, but spending money on me is usually much more difficult.  Funny thing, rather than being annoyed at the expense, my husband loves it.  (Imagine that, my guy wants me to look good.  Ha!)

4. God always provides.

This is a recurring theme for me.  One of my trust issues is not having enough.  I have seen God provide for us time and time again.  Some years have been very lean, others have been much more comfortable - but God has never left our side.  This year I had a huge (though short) battle with fear.  God has worked in such a beautiful way.  First He really spoke to my fear and asked me to trust Him and let go of my fear.  He clearly whispered that He had it all under His wing.  And this fall and winter I have been blown away by just how He has provided.  In July, we had next to no future work.  We have ended this year so busy I have barely seen my husband in months.  I am grateful for His very visible hand in my life.  (If you read this and His hand is not quite so visible, do not lose heart.  I have had those seasons as well.  There have been years when finances are stretched thin and jobs do not come in.  In those seasons, God has not forsaken me.  He has been there, teaching me and holding me tight.  I look back on some of those years and realize ALL that I learned.  Those were not beautiful moments.  They hurt.  If you are hurting, allow Him to hold you today.  The hard will not go on forever, and He will never leave your side during any season, no matter how lonely you feel.)

5. Silence is often best.

In this season of learning to be a mom of grown and nearly grown "kids," I pray daily that every word that escapes my mouth would glorify God.  And consequently I have spoken many fewer words this year than in any other year.  At the end of the day, I am much more often awake and anxious over words I regret than the times I remained silent.  

6. Grieve when necessary, feel emotions (even hard ones) rather than stuff them.

Becoming a grandma has been very hard for me,  BUT not for the reasons that most people would expect.  I am so proud of Krissy for having Wyatt. I love him like crazy.  I am very thankful for how well Krissy is parenting - and yet, I cringe every time anyone calls me "grandma."  Rather than stuffing those feelings and calling them inappropriate, I have been trying to unpack them.  Feelings are not right or wrong, but when they are left to fester they can become an infected mess.  My first grandchild's arrival was very different than I had ever expected  or imagined.  Because I was a new mom myself, I did not feel the same baby fever that many expectant grandmas feel.  Because I was so focused on mothering, navigating a new role has been really overwhelming.  I had always expected becoming a grandma to feel like a crowning glory, and I felt more like an exhausted warrior thn any sort of "princess" when Wyatt arrived.  None of those feelings were his fault, and allowing myself to feel them seemed like a betrayal - so I stuffed them.  I have been realizing that in order for me to fully embrace this new role, I need to grieve the difference between my expectation/hope and the reality.  The reality is Wyatt will grow up right alongside Mataya.  He will not be a spoiled grandbaby.  He will have to follow the same rules as his auntie.  BUT - he will have so much fun at our house.  We are so set up for babies.  I am home with Mataya so I will be able to do quite a lot of day care for him.  I am young and active, and we will have so much fun.  He is a gift.  And this new role is as well.  Allowing myself to grieve is freeing me to fully embrace the miracle that being a grandma is.

7.  My family IS my ministry - and that IS enough.

Most of my adult life I have been very involved in ministry outside of my home and family.  For the last two years, my sole focus has been our family.  That has sometimes felt like underachieving.  During this year God has freed me from those feelings.  THIS is what He is calling me to.  Being my husbands full time, 24/7 helpmate, a momma of 6, and a grandma of 1 IS my ministry.  For this season, that is enough.  Should the day come when He calls me to more, I will happily serve.  BUT today, whether it appears "lazy" to some or not, THIS is where He wants me to focus.

8.  Never make a decision based on fear.

(Dardi, God spoke through you on this one.)  I had no idea how often I based decisions on fear, until this last year.  I am learning to ask myself why I am making a decision.  If the answer is fear-related, I take some time to examine if that feeling of caution is wise or not.  More often than not, fear-based decisions are NOT the right ones.

If this makes it sound like I have it all figured out, that could not be further from the truth.  There are a few major issues that I have been praying over for a long time, and yet still feel unsure about how to proceed.  I read recently that "Wait training is some of the hardest training God calls us to." I could not agree more.  However, taking some time to focus on the many ways He has been teaching me, freeing me, directing me, and renewing me reminds me that He is real, working, and alive in my life.

Thank you, Father, for all the ways you have worked in my heart and home this year.