Count it joy when. . .

For the last six months I have been praying the Prayer of Jabez.

Oh, that You would bless me and enlarge my territory!
Let your hand be with me and keep me from harm,
so that I will be free from pain.
1 Chronicles 4: 9-10

In all honesty what drew me to that prayer was the "so that I will be free from pain."  I had been feeling done in.  Exhausted.  Unable to bear any pain.  When I found a scripture asking for protection from pain my heart rejoiced.

I continue to feel that way. . .

However in the past week the Lord has been challenging me with a new verse.  It keeps popping into my head.  It even awoke me in the middle of last night.

Count it  joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds,
for you know the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
James 1:2-3

I prayed over it and journaled about it early this morning.  I confessed my fear of trials.  I do not feel strong enough.  I just don't.  However, though I am fearful, I DO want to follow the Lord's leading - wherever and whatever that may be - even if that means trials will follow.

I told the Lord that I needed Him to empower me to approach life through this lens.  Trials are a pleasure because they remove me from the situation and leave it in His hands?!  Sigh.  It is a stretch that is only possible in and through Him.

It was a day spent practicing.  (Just typing that scares me.  I really do want the easy life.)

I had to drive Brenna to school.  We needed to leave by 7:05.  That is hard for Mataya which makes it hard for me.

Joshua was moving slower than ever.  When he moves slow, rushing him only makes it worse.  It takes every bit of self-control I possess to keep my grumpies in check.

Sierra was running late.  She "needed" my scarf. . . on the double.  She also "needed" Jamison's truck moved so she could get out of the driveway - fast.  

Joshua decided to change outfits about 1 minute before I had to leave with Brenna, and he needed my help to complete the change.  (Rushing him only results in disaster. . .)

When I got back home from dropping off Brenna, I discovered that Joshua had missed the bus.

Thankfully, the Spirit was directing my words and emotions.  I took it all in stride.  I remained peaceful and kind.  I kept saying "Lord, I need You.  I am going to lose it.  You will be kind. Let Your words and actions flow and silence mine."

In the end, no words were said that I regret.  No tears were shed.  "Bye!  I love you!  Have a good day!" was the theme.  (And Jamison volunteered to drive Joshua to school.  I did not even ask him.)

I figured the worst was behind me!

I did a quick workout, ran a bunch of errands, and made it home in time to watch Wyatt.

Both babies napped at the same time.  I was doing some work, organizing some papers, when my heart went into my throat, my pulse started racing, and I felt an enormous rush of anxiety.  In reading through a document, I thought I had made a major mistake at work.  One that would cost us stress and financial penalties.  My brain started racing. . . what would it cost?  how will I tell Chad?  how could I miss this?  on and on and on. . .

BUT the Lord whispered, "Stop!  Remember me?"

So, I took a deep breath, and replied, "You're right Lord.  You have always provided."  Then I sent an email asking for clarification.  Followed by a message to a trusted friend asking for prayer.  And I chose to train my brain, trusting that my heart would follow.

It did. . . partially anyway. . .

And then I got an email that said, "it's all fine."

Thank you, Lord.

In my past experiences the days before a mission trip are hard - filled with enemy attacks.  Please be praying that the Lord protects us.  And that if and when attacks come that we glorify Him in our response.

While I plan to continue to pray "that His hand will be with me and keep me from harm, so that I will be free from pain." I am growing less fearful and more peaceful about trials.  I LOVE watching the Lord work and it is often through trials that He shines the most beautifully.

Being a Christian is weird, isn't it?  It goes against every fiber of my natural being to hand over control and trust blindly that ANYONE other than ME might have a good plan for ME.  He asks SO much.

And yet He gave and continues to give SO MUCH MORE.

Grow me gently, Lord Jesus.  Grow me gently.  I am weak - but I trust Your strength.  You are enough. You are enough.

PS - I had planned this to be a silly Mataya post filled with toddler antics and updates - but the Lord had something else planned.  Soon, I will write something light and silly, I promise!

PPS - (If there is such a thing!) I arrived home late this evening after the most precious coffee date.  It was absolutely planned by Jesus.  Anyway, I grabbed the mail on my way into the house.  When I opened it there was a big check for an over billing from Sierra's shoulder surgery.  How like God to send me money I did not expect on a day that I wrestled with the enemy!.  I had a moment of "maybe I should cancel this trip" earlier today as I freaked out about a financial misunderstanding.  I am humbled and grateful for His hand upon my life today.  The way He said, "Oh YES! I am enough!" pretty much knocked my socks off.

You are ENOUGH, Jesus.