That day was NOTHING like other defining moments in my life, because although on that day we said "YES!!!" we also committed to wait. We saw his face, but we did not know the details. We could not hold him, feed, him, soothe him. He was absolutely our son. Unless you have lived that moment, it sounds crazy. He was my son. Even before I saw his face, I knew he was out there. I knew God was calling us to find him, fight for him, and love him like crazy. Once I saw his face, my commitment to him was complete. Having my child living in an orphanage half a world away was nearly unbearable. My desire to go to him was just as deep and desperate as if one of my biological children was stuck in terrible situation and I could not get to him/her. It was terrible.
It was and IS divinely beautiful, as well. I will always wonder just how God did that. How did He so alter the plan I had for me? How did He make a bond so deep, so rich,and so pure between myself and a little guy half a world away?
But God.
The last three years have not been easy. However, I am beyond thankful for them. In the last three years, God has done much work in my life. I am no longer the person I once was. I see the world differently. I parent differently. My priorities are more defined. My faith is much deeper.
And our son?
He has been completely transformed.
At this point Joshua Gubs has been home slightly longer than he lived in choas. And though some days during those 2.5 years have been really, really long - really, really sleepless - really, really prayer focused - and really, really hard; they have all lead to THIS moment. And THIS moment is beautiful. It is EASY. It is fun.
Where once he was fearful and unattached to his dad, he is now his Daddy's shadow.
Where once he could hardly walk, he is now completely caught up in gross motor skills. He also has endurance similar to his classmates. It amazes us. Just last winter Jamison and I would giggle about how Joshua would never be a distance runner. Our Ethiopian had no endurance. He was also so uncoordinated. That has all changed! Just a few weeks ago Jamison was watching Joshua play and he commented, "He is gonna be an athlete, Mom!" Then we both laughed in amazement at the change that has happened this year. It is truly unbelievable.
Where Joshua was once hesitant and fearful in peer situations, he is now a kind and confident friend. He excels socially. He plays nicely, is liked by his peers, and listens to his teachers.
The only delays we still notice are small motor/school skills. They are far from alarming. In fact, I think he has very similar skills to Jamison at the same age. Both of my boys had no interest in preschool stuff. Joshua says, "Why do I have to go to school? I am going to be a worker like my dad. He can teach me! I do not need school!" He hates coloring, drawing, writing, and painting. Cutting is better - but not nearly as fun as hammering! So Kindergarten will be another year off. We will send him when he is 6 - which is actually what our pediatrician recommends for all kids anymore. It just feels a bit old to us because the older kids all went at 5.
In many ways it feels like "it is over." In many ways "it" is.
Yet, I also know "it" will never be over. There will always be questions - from Joshua and from others. There will be prejudices. There will be school assignments that pick on old scabs. The past, present, and future will always come together in a more complicated and fragile recipe for Joshua than the older kids. It is not fair, but it is true.
Today, I am thankful. Thankful for easy. Thankful for healing. Thankful for confidence. Thankful for true love. Thankful for deep attachment. Thankful for snuggles, kisses, and tickles.
And today, just as every other day, I am trusting God with tomorrow. It may not be as easy as today. It may be easier! It may also be much harder. Either way, God has a plan. It is a plan that will prosper each of us, not harm us. A plan that WILL give us hope and a future. For with God, all things are possible.
Praise Him!
