One of my top priorities since December 26 has been to rest. Outside of my work responsibilities and the bare minimum household duties, I have done zero tasking. As evidence, my Christmas tree is still up in the living room midway through January. That has never happened.
After 3 weeks of rest, I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I am shocked at how long it took for me to feel relatively "normal." However when I realize that, in all of 2012, I rarely slept more than 5.5 hours a day, I guess I should not be surprised. I was absolutely weary by December,and if I had to continue at that pace I would probably have totally collapsed.
It is funny how when I was so stressed for so long I became unaware of subtle changes in my personality. This fall, I began hating music. If there was music playing in the background while I worked, drove, cooked, or even painted in our house - I thought I might lose my mind. In retrospect, there was so many thoughts running through my exhausted brain all the time that the extra stimulation of music made me crazy! Similarly, having to resort my planned daily schedule sent my heart into a triple-tap. Each day was so busy that any change felt totally unmanageable, and I am normally pretty flexible.
As my body and brain have rested, I have noticed my reaction to stress and music both returning to normal. However even still, I feel a bit fragile. I am careful not to overreact to stresses, and I prefer to work in silence.
Having my brain be in a survivor type mode for a prolonged period of time has really given me a glimpse into how kids that are functioning with "trauma brains" must feel. I can not imagine how hard it is for them to get through each day. I was nearing a melt down, and I have every advantage over kids from "hard places." I have years of good brain function, successful decision making, positive self talk ,and a thriving support system. Kids who have suffered trauma do not have any of those (or few of those) advantages. I can not imagine the weariness, the fear, the desperation, the chaos that they feel each time they are faced with an uncomfortable situation.
If you are parenting a child who is struggling to overcome past traumas, I know how hard it is. The extreme structure they need is stifling. The control they try to hold onto is exhausting. The melt downs over seemingly minor changes are frustrating and embarrassing. On the flip side, I now can see how hard it is for these kids to function at all. Thinking through the fog, feeling out of control, weary, hopeless it a terrible, horrible, out of control feeling.
I just want to encourage you to empathize with your kids. Love them right where they are at - crazy controlling, people pleasing, or totally indifferent - just love them. Provide them with tools and stability so that eventually, with a lot of practice, they will be able think in more healthy patterns. Get them the help that they need from other professionals when necessary. Asking for help is not failing, it is teaching our kids an important life skill. Please fight for them because I can not imagine how terrible it would be to forever exist in the swirling chaos they are currently caught up in.
I know! I have just broken free.
