But God refused to let go of my heart.
He helped me find answers to each of my fears, and He extinguished them.
I am a very logical person. I like to research things, count the cost, and make educated decisions. I dare say that God chose to guide mypreadoption research in a very specific direction. (I may even think that He hid certain facts from me, knowing that I was not brave enough to proceed IF I were fully informed.)
And He was right.
I was NOT strong enough or brave enough to know "it all."
In the last 3and a half years, I have learned SO much. I have read many books, attended a few seminars, gone to conferences via the Internet, read blogs and blogs and blogs, and networked with other adoptive parents. I have parented in ways I had never heard of or would have thought valid, prior to our adoptive experience. I have been complimented, questioned, and criticized for parenting in the afore mentioned ways.
And after all I have learned and experienced, future adoptions still terrify me.
NOT what you expected to read, was it?
When we were deciding whether or not to pursue adoption the first time, everyone I spoke with told me it would be "easy." Their Ethiopian children were delightful. They adjusted with ease.
Those were the stories I needed to hear. I was not brave enough to proceed had I known the entire truth. Many kids DO have a fairly simple time joining adoptive homes. All children are delightful (at times).
But, the truth is that adoption is far from easy! And some children (and thus their entire family) struggle profoundly for a very long, long time.
Now that things in our home feel steady, the adoption topic comes up often. Once your eyes and heart and home are fully opened to the reality of the orphan crisis, it does not just leave. We have not crossed off some box that says "love an orphan" and gone on with our cushy little lives. We are all forever changed. We all know we are called to serve. We all long to serve. Not one of our kids doubts that there are more children that will enter this crazy family. They have been ready for a long time.
Me, too.
Except that I am terrified.
I fight doubts and fears all the time. What if -
the next child is HARD forever?
he/she somehow "messes up" our current children?
I have to keep working and send another little one to day care?
there are needs to deep for us to handle?
How would I -
handle the bonding/attachment phase as a working mom?
find time for one more?
ever have ANY time for me?
stretch our budget further?
pay the adoption fees?
bond with an older child?
I have been praying a lot about all these fears. We are planning to update our home study, so we can be available and ready quickly should God ask us to adopt again. While there is a part of me that is SO sure we must do this; there is another part that argues. And argues. And argues.
I believe God showed me a very specific video this week. It is loooong (40+ minutes). I rarely consider a video that long. But I decided to listen while I waddled along on the treadmill because the speaker is someone whose blog I follow. She is an adoptive mom that I have come to respect.
This family has been living for 6 years in post adoption stress. Their daughter is NOT doing well. She is not delightful most of the time. This adoption HAS "wrecked" their home. She and her family are, quite honestly, living my greatest fear.
She and her 18 year old son shared their story, in this video, with honesty and sincerity. In the process, they broke my heart all over again for the lonely.
She said many things that touched my heart, but these two quotes in particular have settled in.
"When we say YES to God we do not get to choose what happens next."
"I don't believe that when God sees our struggles He says, 'I didn't see that coming."
Her son's testimony was incredible. It was a huge blessing to me as a mom with big kids.
I do encourage you to take 42 minutes and watch the entire message.
After watching to her speak, I am challenged and inspired anew. I am not positive that God has more children for our family. If we do adopt again, I have NO idea what the ages, genders, skin colors, countries of origin, etc would be. Maybe God is calling us into foster care? Maybe foster adoption (which has been on our hearts for a long time)? Maybe we will come home from Ethiopia in May and know we need to head back there to adopt again? Maybe. . .
All I do know is that God's plan does not include orphans. We are all Biblically commanded to care for them. Since there are more than 1.5 MILLION orphans in the world, many of us must be ignoring His call to them.
I refuse to be one counted on that list.
Which means we will, ever so slowly, gather the documents we need to complete another home study. We will pray daily, sometimes hourly, that if God has more children for this family (no matter where they come from) that He would make that plan clear. I pray that IF He has more children for us, that He would break my heart to pieces once again. That His plan would be unmistakable. And that we may respond with the absolute assurance that He sets the lonely into families, and nothing (not even really difficult struggles for years and years on end) come as a surprise to Him.
