I have three or four different blog posts bouncing around my brain - and almost NO time in which to record them. While my thoughts are not incredibly ground breaking or inspired, my brain rests when I blog. So when I have no time to blog, there are all kinds of thoughts ping-ponging around my brain - which makes me a bit crazy!
I think I will start with a "sequel" to this post.
It ended with these words:
"I do hope that amid the rest, and the sun, and the salt water, and the
holding of my husband's hand that I have the chance to hear from God. I long
for just the tiniest glimpse into His plan. I wish for confirmation that we are
living as He wills - or clear instruction on how to move so we are. I hope to
return with a quiet confidence, deep in my soul, that we are walking towards His
will. Because while I know that some things never make sense, when I do know I
am walking the path He has for me, it is all worthwhile."
My vacation "goal" after a year and a half of confusion and chaos was to come home understanding what God really wants me to be doing. I don't have big wishes, do I?
Well. . . I did not come home with a complete picture.
But, I do think He allowed me just the tiniest (and perhaps most confusing) glimpse.
I went into 2013 with two very basic aspirations. One I have talked about a lot - REST! The other is to read through the Bible, again, this year. The plan I have chosen instructs me to read a passage from the Old Testament, one from the New Testament, and a Chapter from either Psalms or Proverbs each day. I am LOVING this plan. I really struggle to get through certain sections of the Old Testament (such as Leviticus! UGH!). This plan keeps each passage short and mixes it up. I am loving the daily Psalm or Proverb. At this juncture of my life, it is those books that make my heart sigh.
So, it should come as no surprise to me that it was in Proverbs that God attacked my heart.
Amongst many other things - a couple of novels, some movies, lots of great conversations, my fair share of sunshine, rum, and tolerable food, more than my fair share of sleep, some beautiful walks on the beach, etc. . . God kept bringing these words to my mind.
"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps."
Proverbs 16:9
In typical Alicia Dietrich fashion, I (sort of) ignored the constant replay of this verse, until on our final day on the island, I read these very similar words as a part of my daily reading plan.
"Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21
I have been carefully considering those thoughts ever since.
I have this amazing friend that allows me to email her and whine about my life process my thoughts.
Early this year I wrote these words to her:
"One prayer I have had
lately is that God will open doors, and I will have the wisdom and courage to
walk through them. Right now I really feel like
I must rest. Rest my body and rest in Him. I hope I am not where I will stay.
I hope at some point things will change job wise. I would love to work only one
job (better still none!) I may even love to go back to school, but for now I am
convinced I must serve where I am at and rest as I do so. Waiting for Him to
direct me further. Waiting for doors to open. I feel the same way about future
adoptions. I really hope that God sends us more children at some point.
I do not like the
thought of being done. I long for Joshua to have brown siblings. I long for
him to have siblings closer to his age. Brenna is 5 years older, and for now,
that is close enough to play. But she will leave elementary school before he
enters it, and that makes me sad. However, for now I must rest. I feel that in
my very bones. Resting is not my strong suit, I find myself waking up singing
“I had a dream my life would be so different from this life I’m living. . .”
sometimes. But I think that is part of the lesson right now. It is not about
me, my dreams, or my timing – "
I am not "living my dream." And although it may appear externally, to some, that I have accepted where I am at in life gracefully, internally, I struggle. Big time.
My heart is far from peaceful and accepting - it is
questioning,
sad,
angry,
confused,
impatient,
weary,
frustrated,
anxious,
longing,
curious,
tired,
cranky,
and
also sincerely grateful.
(Though I want what I want when I want it, I do recognize my blessings. Amazing co-workers. Job flexibility. Healthy kids. A warm home. A husband who is learning to care for me in a whole new way. Some friends who truly "get" me. Jesus, who loves me. Me? For real!)
I have spent these last two weeks really considering those two Proverbs. Though my heart has other longings, I want His plans to prevail. Truly.
Truly!
I am struggling right now, trying to discern if I am in the wrong place and I should follow my heart, or if my heart is in a different place than God has planned. I am not at all sure.
So, I have been asking God to make the desires of my heart mirror the desires of His. Pleading with Him to have His vision for my life, match my own.
And in His time, I have no doubt that He will.
