The last several weeks have been far too much for me to handle alone.
Far too much.
Less than two weeks ago, we buried my grandmother.
Wednesday, we will bury grandpa right by her side.
In between, I attempted to juggle visiting/helping to care for grandpa, finalizing wedding plans, working, and caring for my family.
As I sit in the quiet of my kitchen, two days after my daughter's wedding and two days before we will lay grandpa to rest, I feel completely depleted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
There has been no time to process. No time to breathe. No time to savor. Certainly no time to grieve or celebrate.
It has just been far too much.
So for just a few moments, I need to process on paper. To write some of the thoughts that have been swirling in my heart and mind that I want to hide away forever.
Krissy's wedding day was one of the hardest, loneliest days of my life. And I hate that fact. It makes me so very sad and angry. And yet God sustained me. He sent people to love and serve me well - and He gave me the grace and strength to smile and feel true joy even while my heart was breaking.
I learned Friday afternoon, while watching Jamison race his very first race of this season, that my grandfather had passed away. That news was both devastating and wonderful. His last days were hard. He was suffering, and I was grateful his discomfort was over. At the same time, it is very hard to be truly joyful when you lose one you love so very much.
Friday night I was trying to pull together the final items for the wedding. I was not nearly as organized as I am usually, plus I was numb with grief. I did not sleep much; I argued with God all night. In the end, this is what He had to say.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance. . .
Ecc 3:4
Ecc 3:4
By morning, He had convicted me that mourning on my daughter's wedding day would NOT honor the memory of my grandparents. I MUST choose joy. It was a day to celebrate love and new beginnings. I knew that I would , in many ways, set the tone for the day, and so I must choose to dance.
That was nearly too much. Nearly. But His grace is enough.
Both of my Emily's and my friend Sharlene met me early in the morning, and we decorated. My Emily's then took my babies to swim and ordered me to shower. All day long they watched out for me. And I so needed them. It was so, so good to feel loved and protected. And understood.
I was not OK - but it was Krissy's day. It was a day to celebrate, so we would celebrate.
Truth be told the day is a blur. Maybe I will remember more when we get the photos?
For today, I remember that Krissy looked amazing. Happy and beautiful. And so very Krissy.
Joshua was so handsome and proud in his tuxedo.
Sierra was the perfect maid of honor, even though she is only 16.
Mataya was not feeling well. She sat on my lap and begged to go home much of the evening. Yet somehow she sat in that wagon and threw out a few rose petals as Joshua pulled her and Wyatt slowly up the aisle.
The cake was moist and delicious.
Jamison broke his promise and did not ask me to dance. (might have had something to do with the crying toddler on my hip)
The very small guest list, that Krissy had insisted upon, ended up being a blessing. Every one there, that knew me, understood that when they hugged me and started to give condolences, only to be interrupted by my "Nope. Not today. Today is Krissy's day." I was not OK. I was just making it through the day the best I knew how. And they loved me right where and how I needed to be loved.
Mataya hated my dress. It had some sparkles right where she likes to tuck her head in and snuggle. She insisted on having her big ole blankey slung over my shoulder and around herself so she could properly snuggle in close while I attempted to greet guests.
I missed my mom and dad and aunts and uncles and cousins more than they will ever know or understand. Not to mention my grandparents. My grandma was buried in the outfit she had hoped to wear to Krissy's wedding. Maybe they were dancing together in heaven?
Chad dancing with our daughters made my heart happy.
Emily, Emily, and Reed watched my every move. And made sure I was as OK as possible every moment. Sharlene played a very close second. Being loved is such a blessing.
I paid the photographer a small fortune, and I hope he took photos of everything - because I did not take any. My arms were full of Mataya.
I married the right man. Do you ever just look across the room and get swept away at the wonder that THAT guy is yours? That is exactly how I have felt almost constantly these last weeks.
Krissy dutifully tried on several traditional wedding gowns - but they were just not her. I am so proud of her for choosing what made her feel beautiful, rather than what is typically expected. She looked stunning, and I was so proud of her.
And my grandson!!! He was off the charts precious.
As I receive the rest of the photos I will share them. Though I will never understand the timing of all of this, Krissy and Devin's wedding day truly was a day to dance. I love this precious new family so very much. I am so proud of them and thankful for the commitments they made before God and all of us on Saturday. I am so thankful I was able to be a part of their day.
