And I miss him more than I had imagined I would.
I miss my Grandpa in the daily mundane things. He loved to text, so when I thought of him, I would shoot him a quick text. I mostly sent photos with quick captions. I miss sharing my life with him in this simple way. So often I think, Grandpa would love this, only to remember he is no longer here to share it with.
Grandpa loved my kids. He adored my husband. He loved construction. He loved nature. We had much in common.
Here are a few photos I wish I could send my grandpa.
When I was mowing this week, I spotted this robin's nest. Grandpa would have loved this sneak peak. He always patiently told me which bird was which when we sat in his front yard and watched them eating from his feeders.
Chad put together a play area for the little ones (with a lot of help from Brenna). Had it been possible I would have sent Grandpa this before shot and said, "Bet you are not jealous of Chad today! He has to turn this pile of lumber into a swingset."
This would have been captioned, "Progress!"
"It is finished!!!"
"The kids approve!"
Had it been possible I would have sent him this photo hoping he would share it with grandma. They had beautiful flower gardens. Until grandpa retired they were all grandma's, but grandpa had enjoyed working in them as well the last few years. They both delighted in my kids running through their flowers. They would have been happy seeing Mataya admiring flowers that I have grown.
There were many things I admired about my grandpa:
-he always had time to talk and to listen
-he loved to laugh and joke
-he was intelligent and always learning - he had a laptop, smartphone, and tablet and he was not afraid to use them!
-he was a kind and thoughtful father - he texted each of his kids every morning
-he was patient and gentle
-he loved to go to church and helped with many church and community projects
-he remembered everything
My grandfather was born, raised, and died on the same farmyard. It was land his family homesteaded. He took great pride in his land.
I was very blessed to be able to spend some very precious days with my grandfather during his last two weeks on earth. With the support of Chad and my awesome mother-in-law, I was able to spend several days with him at the hospital. I was also able to be there the day he was moved home, and I was able to be there for one 24 hour shift the day before he died.
Though it was a crazy time - Krissy's wedding was that very same week - those moments at my grandpa's side were very important to me. I am so very thankful that I was there.
I will always, always remember walking into his room on Monday, greeting him, and he asking me, "Where is my hug?" I am so thankful I was there to give and receive that hug.
He lingered his last few days. He seemed to be more unconscious than conscious - but he would surprise us with his awareness. For example, he asked me in the middle of the night where Robin, my aunt, had gone. I did not know he was conscious enough to know Robin had stopped to visit. The night I spent with him, he was getting meds every hour. He was very weak and very uncomfortable. Watching and learning how to help reposition him was humbling. My grandpa, who had always been strong and capable, was so very weak. But in his weakness, he was kind and patient. And my momma was an amazing warrior and advocate. I have never, ever been as proud of my momma as I was watching her care for her daddy in his last days. She loved him with a tenderness and respect that taught me so very much. My dad was totally amazing as well, They gave him the gift of dignity even when he was too weak to speak. They anticipated his every need and met each one to the best of their ability
When it was time for me to leave him and go home to marry off my girl, I was heartbroken. Heaven was where he belonged, but saying good-bye is so hard for those of us left behind. I sobbed in the bathroom and then headed to his bedside to say a final good-bye.
I remember grabbing his hand. My mom and my aunt Robin sat close to him on the opposite side of his bed. He was in his office, his favorite room in the house, laying in a hospital bed that hospice had supplied. He appeared unconscious, but I knew he was listening from some far off spot. And I knew I was being given a very precious gift - a time to say one final good-bye to a man meant the world to me.
I had rehearsed the words in my head all day long because I did not want to sob. I wanted to grieve in private and not put the burden of my loss on his shoulders. I leaned in close and said, "Grandpa, I have to head home now. I want you to know that I love you. And I am going to miss you, Grandpa. It will never be the same without you - but I want you to know that we will be OK. When you are ready, go find Jesus and Grandma. They are waiting Grandpa." And then I kissed his forehead one last time while telling him I loved him.
I left in a puddle of tears and stopped at the cemetery to visit Grandma's grave. I remember crying and praying the whole drive home. . .
Less than 24 hours later, Grandpa joined Grandma and Jesus and Robert and so many others in heaven.
24 hours after that, Chad walked our daughter down the aisle.
Like Grandma, Grandpa taught me many things. He answered my endless questions about farming, gardening, wildlife, and family history. He always had a smile and a story to share in response. I loved to sit and talk with him.
I think the most influential thing he ever told me was this. . .
After Chad and I got settled in our current home, I wanted to plant trees. I asked Grandpa many questions about what trees to plant and when to plant them. I kept dragging my feet because I didn't want to make a mistake. Each time I visited, he would ask about the trees. I always had an excuse that had kept me from planting - busyness, lack of help, drought. . . Finally he looked deep into my eyes and said, "Alicia. Just plant your trees, The rain always comes."
I don't know that he intended it to be a life lesson, but it was and is.
Just plant trees - move forward, trust, let go of fear.
The rain always come - God is always faithful.
Last fall Chad helped me plant some trees. While I am very thankful that I was able to text the photos to my grandpa, I am even more thankful for his wisdom. His deep voice and easy laughter floats through my mind often. . .
"Alicia. Just plant your trees. The rain always comes."
Those are words to live by.
I miss you grandpa and grandma. Thank you for the legacy you left behind.
