The really good news today?
Baby girl is just fine.
After our ultrasound on Tuesday, there were a number of things that the doctors were concerned about. Her kidneys seemed to be enlarged, her heart appeared to be beating irregularly, and there was a band of something in my uterus that they thought may wrap itself around one of her flailing arms or legs and cut off circulation, thus killing the limb.
As the PA explained all of this to me (my OB was in surgery), my mind was reeling.
She was telling me to expect weekly ultrasounds to check on this strand of tissue that she suspected was an amniotic band. They would closely monitor it. Over time they would decide if the band were more dangerous or if early delivery was. I mentally nicknamed it a string of death.
She was not all that concerned about my daughter's kidneys, saying that this was something they see in many ultrasounds. It is normally nothing.
She was very concerned about her heart. She told me to carefully monitor movement. If I thought she had stopped moving, I was to come in right away so they could check for heart tones.
She then told me that all of these things could possibly be ruled out after more testing, but. . .
After hearing ALL that, I had a few thoughts. I can not live in fear for the next 18 weeks. And what good does all this information do me? So, if we do weekly ultrasounds, see the band wrapped tightly around her precious little limb and it is too early to deliver - then what? If I think she has not moved for a good part of the day, I rush to the clinic or ER and they can not find heart tones - then what? How is ANY of this helpful, my heart cried!
Following all of their instructions seemed to kick God right out of this pregnancy. Sure, we need to use medical technology when it is helpful, but only God can heal. Only God can truly protect any of my kids. Only God can create life.
I chose to trust God to be God. I worked HARD at not worrying. I chose minute by minute to stop my anxious thoughts and hand my baby girl over to her Father.
Today, we drove to Fargo for a more in-depth ultrasound and a consult with a neonatologist. What he had to say did not mirror the PA much at all. He explained that an irregular heartbeat in an unborn baby is not unusual OR dangerous. The vast majority of babies with irregular heartbeats correct themselves by birth or shortly there after. He did an EKG and an Echo - but saw NOTHING to be alarmed about. Her heart beat steadily at 142 through out each test.
He could see how the original reading of the ultrasound identified the amniotic band - but in his test it is clear that it is NOT. Baby has no string of death to fear.
Her kidneys are the tiniest bit enlarged. He is not very concerned about this, but he has ordered another ultrasound at 32 weeks to make sure we will not need to investigate this more when she is born.
We are more than thankful that things checked out so perfectly.
However, as the appointment evolved, it became clear to me that the REAL concern of the medical staff was that our baby had several possible indicators of Downs Syndrome (prior to today's testing.) The real reason I was there had nothing to do with her heart or kidneys. Unbeknownst to me, I was there to rule out Down's Syndrome. Although the doctor feels there is less than a 1% chance baby girl has Downs, he still offered 3 different tests that would rule it out. He also suggested we meet with a genetic counselor. . .
The underlying, unasked question. . . would we want this baby, could we accept this baby, if she had Downs Syndrome.
When we arrived back at the car, I just cried - tears of relief, but also tears of grief. It makes me so sad that the biggest concern was Downs Syndrome. I was terrified that our baby's heart was so weak it would stop beating and I would never have the joy of holding her, nursing her, watching her grow. The medical professionals were worried that I would reject an imperfect child when all I wanted to know was that I'd be able to love my child in the flesh. The chasm seemed huge.
Let me clarify, that NO ONE suggested I abort my baby today. NO ONE pushed me to have tests I do not want to have. They were simply clear that I have testing options. (Secondly, if we had learned that our baby had Down's that would have been hard. It is certainly nothing I would wish for her. But compared to impending death, Down's doesn't seem nearly so bad.)
Abortion is illegal in ND - but not across the river. I am among the biggest demographic group to have an abortion. Did you know that? Older moms are more likely than teens to have abortions. If having a baby at 39 in not convenient, no worries, you have enough money and education at 39 to know your options. . . I guess. The thought makes my tummy hurt.
Do not be fooled, my "fetus" is a baby. She looks like a teeny tiny newborn. She has a heartbeat, arms, legs, kidneys, a diaphragm, arms, legs, eyes, etc, etc, etc. . . I feel her toss and turn and kick. I can not imagine choosing to snuff out her life.
So today was eye opening. As my mom said, "We need revival." How messed up is a society that worries more (or even equally) about Down Syndrome than a beating heart?
So I rest tonight, relieved that baby girl is doing just fine. Yet me heart is broken for the glimpse I had into a messed up world.
Baby girl, I want only the best for you. I would never wish any Syndrome on you. But no matter what. . . I choose you. I love you. I am thankful that God chose me to be your momma. You are a gift, tiny one. A miracle. A blessing. Our tiniest treasure.
Thank you God for amazing, reassuring news today. You are so good - today when things are bright AND yesterday when they were grey. It is safe to trust in You. You see our hearts. You judge our hearts. You don't see us as the world does. You value us as Your children. It is one of my deepest desires that we (the world) would see each other through your eyes.
