Part it is the wisdom that comes with age! When I was expecting Krissy, I was amazed - but I just wanted to get to the mommy part. I wanted to rush ahead and meet my baby! My next 3 pregnancies passed in a blur. In some ways, being pregnant became more of a routine and less of a miracle. It became too familiar to truly marvel at.
This time, I do not feel rushed. I just want to savor every moment. Each kick is a gift. Her hiccups make me giggle. My expanding form is a miracle rather than something to fear.
Brenna loves taking these photos!
She woke up this morning and said, "Mom! It is the 20th today! I get to take pictures of the baby!"
Shopping for baby items is so fun. On one hand, I know what I want. On the other it is a whole new world. Fpr instance, I have found nothing I like for her room. It is all either too modern or too traditional or just plain tacky!
And I feel awesome. Last week the nurse in Fargo asked me how I have been feeling. I responded with a grin and one simple word, "Awesome!" She laughed out loud, telling me she does not have a box to check with that explanation of pregnancy.
The only thing I can even complain about at all is that I am really tired! Sunday morning I skipped church because I was "post flu tired." That is my own made up description. But you know how after you have the flu and are so physically exhausted that walking up the stairs requires a breather at the top? That is how I feel sometimes. And guess what? When I feel that tired, I can sleep! I am a spoiled girl. When I am totally wiped, someone in this family always takes over and sends me to bed. I am so blessed.
This pregnancy has also been different for Chad. He is so indulgent. He has always been good to me - but indulgent - THAT is new.
One conversation we had this month has been particularly healing to my heart.
Looking back over the last 19 years of our marriage, perhaps the worst marital decision I have made was to tell Chad to leave me alone in the hospital a couple of hours after Krissy was born so that he could attend a pistol competition. At the time, he was shooting pistols competitively. He was BEYOND talented. He had sponsors and was one of the best shooters in the world. (for real) He also LOVED shooting. I felt intense pressure to not hold him back or get in the way of his goals in any way.
When we found out our first baby was due just days before his favorite tournament of the season, everyone started hoping and praying the baby would come early so that he could go to the shoot. Phone calls came endlessly as my due date approached. Everyone wanted to know if the baby was here, so that he would be "free." It was incredibly stressful for me. I wanted to please him and everyone else. I wanted baby to come so that he could go.
In the end, my doctor agreed (for both medical and personal reasons) to induce labor the evening before he needed to leave. We had Krissy at 2 am. Chad and his mom left for the pistol shoot by noon the next day. I told him to go. He had my blessing. I take full responsibility.
But being totally alone in the hospital for two days with my first baby was the saddest happy time in my life. No one visited me. We were in college and all of our friends were home for the summer. Our family all came before he left. From the time he left, until the time my mom arrived a day and a half later to drive Krissy and I home, I was completely totally alone.
It took years for me to get over that. Though he left with my blessing, I struggled with totally believing that the kids and I were his top priority. I struggled with feeling like an obligation, dead weight.
Though he felt awful leaving, it took years for him to express that to me. He felt like he had no right to be sad, since he had made his choice.
Working through all of that took us a long time. While it was not something that we fought about or struggled with daily, there was an undercurrent of mistrust sometimes. My wondering if I were really important to him was hard on both of us.
In time total healing has happened though!
And in this pregnancy God has given us the opportunity to come full circle. You see, our favorite week of the entire year is the week we get to go on a fancy trip (for free!) through Chief Industries. When Chad sells enough product, his building supplier sends us on a fabulous vacation. It has been such a blessing. We have been places we could never afford to go to otherwise. We have a chance to be alone together and relax once a year. It is a blessing like non-other we have received.
I have had a post card advertising this year's trip on my bulletin board since the day we returned from the last one. On crummy weeks, I gaze at it and think that eventually there will be a break. It is a silly frivolous thing, but it encourages me greatly.
Well. . . that trip is not timed so well this year. If we were to go, we would fly home when I am 37 weeks pregnant. I have never been early, so I had been thinking that maybe we should risk it. It could be a last get away. It was just too good to miss.
Chad looked deep into my eyes one day recently and said, "Honey, we can't go. I am OK with that. You will be 37 weeks pregnant. I will not risk you having a baby in a Third World hospital in Costa Rica. Anywhere I am with you is good, babe. Let's just stay home this year. It will be OK."
Those words, along with the look in his eyes, were so incredibly healing. I no longer doubt Chad's love. I always know that we are his first priority. I am totally secure in our relationship. Yet, hearing him tell me: that this baby is not a problem, the timing does not cause him concern, it is all OK - truly set my soul free.
I am sincerely grateful.
The other thing I adore about Chad this pregnancy is that, without being creepy, he really connects with the baby. He is not a crazy tummy toucher. He does not sing her crazy songs. It is all very casual. (Which I appreciate!) He just reaches out to carefully feel her growing bump in the sweetest way ever.
The delight of Brenna's month has been feeling her little sister kick. Though I have placed both Chad and Joshua's hands over the baby's tiny feet while she is kicking, they have not felt a good thump. Brenna, though, she felt baby girl's kick for sure. The look of surprise and delight on her face at that moment was priceless.
Joshua has quickly recovered from the "terrible" news that he is having a baby sister, though he wished for a baby brother. He is totally fine now - but we will always laugh at his initial reaction. He was so totally sad. As we walked away from the clinic after the ultrasound he had two things to say. 1. Our family is totally unfair. There are WAY more girls than boys! Mommy and Daddy NEED to adopt 2 brothers now! Chad told him we would do our best! 2. When I asked if he was ready to go back to school, he said in a teary voice, "I think I need a doughnut!" (Comfort food anyone?!?) We all laughed and laughed, which did not make him happy!
The sweetest moment of the month came later that very same day. Joshua went with me when I returned to the doctor's office to hear the ultrasound report. He seemed to be playing a game on my phone while the PA explained things to me. I did not think he was listening to her at all. I left the office trying not to be upset. I was doing everything I could to NOT give it to fear, but to give this tiny one over to her Father. When I got to the car and called Chad, I cried - but not as much as I wanted to. I was fairly proud of my self-control. (Sigh.)
Joshua did not ask me much. He did ask why my voice sounded sad when I was talking to daddy. I told him that I was a tiny bit worried about the baby - but that I was also trusting God to take good care of her. He said OK and went back to the game he had been playing.
Brenna got home from school and the two of them disappeared into her room to play. Eventually I went up to check on them When I did, Brenna asked if anything was wrong. I explained that the doctor's were a little worried about the baby. I explained in brief detail some of the things they wanted to check into. She responded, "I know. Joshua told me. He also told me we should pray for her. So we did."
To my recollection, that is the first time Joshua has done that. Baby girl, your big brother is choosing to watch out for you even before you are born. You are a lucky little lady!
The funniest thing Joshua has said this month is in regards to my disappearing belly button. He loves to check out my bare belly. He commented recently, "Mom, your belly button looks like it is backfilled!" (Yep. He is a contractor's son. He loves dirt work just like his daddy.)
The name tug of war continues! Naming by committee is not easy! For now, Krissy calls her littlest sister "Raja." She says she always will. . . no matter what name we give her! "Raja" means hope, so I am all for the nickname, in fact I hope her middle name will be Hope! I am NOT in favor of it being her legal name though, so the name game continues!
I have finally started buying a few things - but we will not start working on turning the storage room into a bedroom for Joshua until after Christmas. Hopefully we will have him moved into his new room by Valentine's Day. That gives us a bit over a month for him to get settled and to paint and set up baby's room. It will be a bit rushed in the end, and I am OK with that. I really want to enjoy a construction free holiday season!
Savoring and enjoying is my theme right now. My heart is content. What a beautiful gift that is.
