It was a tough week.
Really tough.
Many, many things came to a head.
Several of our kids confided difficult problems. Problems for which I do not have answers.
Another family issue brought pain and disappointment.
I was forced to take a good, deep look at a relationship that I have allowed to cause pain, self-doubt, and decreased self-esteem for years. Defining the problem is the start of healing - but digging into an infected wound is not fun.
I feel God may be leading our family in a direction that would be hard. Even considering it causes my heart to mourn. . . deeply.
People keep asking me what my plans are for after baby. Will I go back to work? Where will baby go? I do not have answers.
Our smoke detector chirped three nights in a row from 3 am to 7 am. I never sleep well when I am stressed. The chirping added to my sleep deprivation, which gave me even less coping ability.
I have spent a lot of time researching brain development in the last 4 years, which makes me incredibly aware about what my stress level does to my baby's developing brain. So - being stressed stresses me. It can serve to be a pretty crazy cycle . . .
AND although I do not feel internally like I am a lot more emotional during this pregnancy, externally I am. Tears come quickly and easily. They surface when BIG hurts are present and when small things come up. It is quite annoying! While I do not necessarily see tears as a sign of weakness - My grandma was one of the strongest ladies I have known, but she was frequentlt close to tears, whether happy ones or sad ones! - I HATE crying. I know some people feel cleaned out after a good cry. I just feel empty and tired.
In the midst of all this I learned some things about friendship that I do not want to forget.
Many of the people around me had NO idea that I was struggling. (And I am FINE with that! Relieved even! I actually do not want the focus of this post to be my problems, but what I learned as a result of them this week!) Anyway, the people around me who did know I was really struggling, there were three reactions - avoidance, trying to fix me, or listening and empathizing.
Avoidance was OK with me! I need a lot of time to sort through things. I need space and grace to define problems, hate on myself for my part in them, pray, and listen to God speak. That is not something I can, or want to, share with many people. Avoiding me is fine with me.
A couple of people tried to fix me. While I know that people in this category felt they had my very best interests at heart, their words only caused me to hate on myself more deeply. It was like a doctor trying to set a broken arm that was too swollen to set. They were correct, I am far from perfect and I most certainly have big faults that need fixing, but I was too deeply injured to be fixed just yet. The timing was all wrong. The "bone" will absolutely need to be reset, but first the swelling must decrease.
Thankfully there were a two people that truly helped me work toward healing. They gave me a safe space to confide my deepest secrets, my most infected wounds, my fears, my insecurities, my indecision. They did not tell me I was right or wrong. They did not ask many questions. They did not try to define the problems. They did not try to solve them. They did not minimize them. They did not exaggerate them. They just listened. They said things like, "I bet that really hurt. I can see how hard that could have felt. I'm sorry. How can I support you? I will be praying for you." Those words (or lack there of) were invaluable. They helped me to dig out some of the infection and to begin to see the size and depth of the real wound so that I can start healing.
At some point I am sure these very same friends will kindly and gently point out some ways that I did and did not contribute to the problems. Some things I am holding onto and hating on myself for are not accurate. Other things I should be aware of I am more than likely blind to right now. In time, I want to come full circle. I want the bone to be set. I want the wound to fully heal, the scars to be small, and the "accident" to never occur again. I want and need people to love me enough to speak into my life.
Yet for this week, I am so very grateful for those that loved me and accepted me right where I am.
Sniffles and all.
So take it from me, sometimes the most powerful, helpful, and spiritual thing you can do for a friend is listen.
It was an incredibly good lesson for me - I tend to be a fixer! It is a lesson I hope to hide in my heart. . . forever.
I saw this quote on a friend's FB wall this week and it sums my lesson up perfectly.
"A friend in need does not need your repair. They simply need you to create a safe place in which, even for a moment, they can exist."
