The funny thing is, the more I practice saying "YES!" the less terrifying it becomes! In fact, I have become quiet passionate about being open to God's will for my life. Slowly but surely, saying yes is becoming my first response.
You know how it goes though. . . just when you think you have it "figured out" God throws you a curve ball. (sigh)
I shared a few weeks ago that Chad and I have completed another home study, but beyond that I have chosen to keep any adoption related thoughts quiet. In truth, I have done that for a couple of reasons. First we are not totally sure what this next adoption may look like. We are open to many different things, and we are just hanging out trusting that God will open and close doors in accordance to His will. Secondly, I fear this (possible) addition will not be as eagerly anticipated by those around us as Joshua's was. (And do I have the strength to proceed when all the obvious reasons to NOT are pointed out - over and over?)
Saying yes to another (possible) adoption is both easier and harder than saying yes to Joshua's process. It is easier because it is not totally unfamiliar. We have been there/done that. Yet, that is the exact same reason that it is harder this time!
Just so you know, I do remember
- how hard the wait was.
- how long and intense the early bonding/attachment phase was.
- how much it cost - in time, financially, and emotionally.
- that I currently am a busy mom of 5.
- that it would make more "sense" to wait a couple years. Then Krissy will be in college and no one would have to share a room.
- the joy that Joshua brings to our home every day.
- God has provided everything we need just when we need it.
- how much I love being a mom.
- how my heart is broken for the fatherless.
- that God desires obedience when He calls.
Since then, God has thrown us a lot of "curve balls." (In fact for a few weeks in December, we thought we would have 2 more children by now!) But the crazy thing is, as we walk day by day saying "Yes, God! Our deepest desire is to serve you." my heart is peaceful.
That does not mean some days are not hard and heartbreaking.
Chad and I are very open to adopting our of birth order this time. And although we are willing to adopt domestically or internationally, we are drawn to adopting through the foster care system.
And that is where the hard and heartbreak comes in.
Have you ever logged onto a website, praying that God will open the eyes of your heart to the child/children He has chosen for you?
Have you ever looked at those beautiful children's pictures, looked into their eyes, and read their profiles trying to decide if you could "handle" their "issues?"
Oh how it hurts my heart!
In my opinion, one of the limitations to adopting through the US foster care system, is ALL the information available. When you adopt internationally, you receive next to no information. You most likely receive a short medical report, a short social history, and some pictures. Then you say yes or no, trusting that God will set the right "lonely one" onto your family.
Children in the US foster care system come with a daunting amount of documentation. They come with labels, diagnosis, and treatment plans. They come with report after report after report. And each report is filled with heartbreak. Abuse. Neglect. Under-age mothers. Addicted fathers. A long string of care-givers. Many "behaviors."
It makes me want to vomit as I think about how much hurt and trauma children have endured.
What/who do we say yes to? What/who do say no to? How do I say no to a child? How do I say yes?
One day last week, our social worker sent me a report on some children and asked if I wanted any more information about them. What I read, I wish I could forget. But I also knew that although they were in desperate need of a family, they had more needs and deeper needs than we could deal with. So I emailed an apology to our social worker.
She responded with much grace and wisdom. She told me, "There is no shame in saying no to me, only in saying no to the Lord."
There is so much to learn from in that one sentence.
So, I continue to learn. I continue to seek His will.
In all things.