"The Lord your God will circumsize your hearts and the hearts of your descendents, so that you may love Him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live."
When I have too much to do, I do not sleep. Though I am exhausted and there is NOTHING productive that can be done between 3 and 5 am, I awaken restlessly preparing for the day.
Today was one of those early mornings.
I woke WAY too early. I tried to lay in bed for about an hour and finally gave up on sleep.
I crept out of bed, folded a load of laundry, started some coffee, paid our personal bills, took a bath, and read the verse above.
I have actually thought about that verse a lot in the past years.
I have thought about how I truly desire for God to circumcize my heart. To peel away the hard, selfishness and reveal His soft, loving, pure heart beneath.
I have asked Him to do just that.
The next part is something I pray over my children often. Many nights we end prayer time with a blessing of "May _______________ love You with all of her/his heart, soul, mind, and strength. And like You Lord, may he/she truly love her/his neighbor as himself." They are familiar words. They are qualities that I seek for myself and my children.
So this morning it was the last two words that kicked me in the gut "AND LIVE."
Truly living IS circumsized living.
Truly living is loving the Lord with all of my heart and all of my soul.
More than anything, perhaps, I want to TRULY live. These song lyrics ran through my head ALL day "I want to live this life unsafe, unsure, but not afraid."
Over and over and over and over, that one phrase played in my head.
It truly speaks for the direction in which I feel God calling me. I have some big decisions to make in the months to come. I am wrestling with them. They are always close to the surface. I am just not sure what God would have me do.
I am sure I want TO LIVE.
I want to live my life unsafe, unsure, but not afraid.
OK, so in all honesty, I want to live my life safe and sure but in His will. I want to know exactly what He has planned before I agree to my part. I want to read the last chapter and skip ahead to the ending so that I can decide if the path is correct, worth the risk, and one I will enjoy.
But I know with all of my heart that is NOT what He has for me.
He wants me to move forward in FAITH - not by sight. He wants me to live unsafe, unsure, but not afraid.
My biggest struggle right now is that both of the paths in front of me seem unsafe and unsure. Plus I am afraid. The what ifs crowd my discernment and confidence. Soon, I need to just jump.
Want to join me in praying I jump our of the right side of the plane?
Lord God, I truly want to live. I want to live as You would have me live - unsafe, unsure, but not afraid. I know You will be my parachute. I know you will help me land safely. I know you will direct me. You have so many, many times. Help me to hear You. Help me to follow You and You alone. Please specifically confirm your message to me. Please fill me with confidence in the plan You have for me. Continue to circumsize my heart, Lord Jesus - that I might love you more fully. That I might truly love You with all of my heart, all of my soul, all of my mind, and all of my strength. You are worthy Lord. You are worthy of my trust, my love, my jump. You are my everything.
(Also so very thankful today. Went to the doctor and things look perfectly perfect. Baby measures exactly as she should 23.5 at 23.5 weeks. Her heart rate was 156. My blood pressure was great, weight gain up to 6 lbs. We are both happy, healthy, and feeling good. The thought that I am TRULY going to have another baby is almost too amazing to believe. I find myself shocked over my own reflection all the time. I get weepy thinking about her arrival. It is all just the most amazing and wonderous gift.)