It was written by therapists that have worked with adoptive families for many years, however I believe the technique described is VERY transferable to any child.
The basic premise of the book is that we often learn more readily through stories than through rewards, consequences, or lectures. I know this is true for me. When someone tells me a story, true or not, it opens my mind to new possibilities without me even realizing it. I begin to imagine what it would be like to be in that characters place without feeling "my" feelings.
The best example I have of this is in two books I have read in the past year. The first is Radical. Radical is an incredible "how to book." The author describes how he feels we are called to live as Christians. It is fairly clear-cut and "in your face." I loved it, and I was totally overwhelmed by it. Contrast that book with Kisses from Katie. Kisses from Katie is an autobiography. It is Katie Davis telling her story of a radical life in Christ. She is working in Uganda, serving the poorest of the poor, washing their feet (literally). She merely shares her life and her heart. She does not lecture that we should all become "Katie Davis," but in reading of her life, I was certainly inspired to do more, reach deeper, and work harder.
Both teaching styles are good. Both are valid and useful. However, often the kinder, gentler, "sneakier" approach works best. Especially when introducing a skill or an idea that seems nearly impossible or will send up emotional flares of panic or doubt.
Using this technique to connect with and correct kids would go something like this:
- Identify the source of the problem. (Often we realize only the problem. For example, my child is driving me crazy! He refuses to share his toys. But we do not take the time and energy to try and find the root of the problem. The first step in this approach is to try to figure out why your child is acting the way he/she is. What purpose is that behavior serving, or has it served in the past?)
- How do you think your child needs to grow in order to change this behavior? (Does he need to come to terms with past hurts in order to move forward? Does he need to realize what the new behavior would look like? Does he need to be inspired about how great it will feel when he accomplishes the new skill?)
- Once these things have been thought out, parents construct stories that will be told and retold to their child that describe the source of the problem, the development of skills needed to move forward with the desired behavior, and finally the triumphant display of the new behavior.
Let me give you a very simple example.
Friday mornings I leave for work really early - like 6AM. I always try to sneak out of the house before Joshua wakes up because if I am gone when he wakes up he does really well. If I am there but need to leave quickly, he panics because he wants more time to snuggle. The separation combined with his sleepy brain is just too much.
Last Friday he woke up before I left. He immediately started to whine about not wanting me to go to work, not wanting daddy time (which he loves, for the record.) He latched his little arms around my neck and had NO desire to let go!
At that point I had a decision to make. Try this new story telling approach I have been reading about OR ask Chad to peel Joshua off of me and make a run for it. I decided that I could at least try this story approach because the worst that could happen is that Chad would have to peel him off of me after my kinder gentler attempt.
So I launched into a story about a little boy who loved to spend Friday mornings with his daddy. I went into all kinds of detail about how much fun they had, the things they did together, and how safe the little boy felt with his daddy. Then I said that one morning this little boy woke up and decided he only wanted his mommy! He felt snugly and mommy's lap just felt sooo good. But mommy had to leave. He grabbed mommy and did not want to let go. I described his Mommy telling him all about the things he would do with daddy that morning and how he felt excited at the thoughts, but he still wanted his mommy! I described how the little boy remembered that when he says good bye to mommy bravely he is rewarded by getting to go to her office for lunch. I then told him in much detail how the little boy unwrapped his arms from his mommy's neck and kissed her good-bye. He still felt a tiny bit sad inside, but he was also excited about daddy time. Besides he remembered how much fun it is to have lunch at mommy's office. He gave his mommy a big kiss and then asked her to beep beep her horn 3 times when she drove away.
This story took about 5 minutes to tell. Joshua listened intently. When I got done, I said "OK mommy has to go to work now. I can't wait to see you at lunch time!" (Notice no lecture. No try to sneak in a lesson just to make sure he got the point) Joshua gave me a longer than usual hug, and I admit I held my breath a bit. He said, "I want you stay at home!" I told him that would be fun, but we had to wait until tomorrow for a stay at home day. I reminded him how excited I was to see him at lunch though. He gave me a little grin. Then he climbed off my lap and reminded me to beep-beep before I drove away!
Now, this technique is not usually "instantaneous." It usually takes many tellings and retellings of a story. Stories often have to be told in parts, and each part has to be "digested" before the next chapter is told. In my example, I told a story of a behavior Joshua already has the skills for and has successfully exhibited a number of times. Do not be frustrated if you do not have instant results, however take note of his success! By reminding him "sneakily" of what he has done, he was re-prepared to say good-bye without tears or tantrums!
I have very much simplified this fantastic approach to connecting with our kids while helping them to heal and move forward. Hopefully, my simple review will inspire you to read this excellent resource! It really was packed with very do-able ideas, and it offered many glimpses into why our kids may behave the way they do sometimes.
Getting to the root rather than just correcting the symptom makes total sense to me!
