Parenting with Grace, Mercy, and Bubble Gum

I saw this meme the other day, and I paused for the millionth time to consider how drastically my parenting has changed over the years. 

 Sigh.

The older and more experienced I get, the more I realize I have ssssooooooo much left to learn.

Once upon a time, I was concerned about control.  I focused on behavior and obedience.  My parenting was rule and consequence based.  I said "No!" often - because it felt easier and safer to say no than yes.

Fast forward 22 years (gulp) and my parenting IS vastly different.

I am kinder, gentler, more patient, less rushed.

Where I was once focused on behavior, I have learned to focus on the heart.  Character is my goal, rather than obedience.  I have learned to think through my children's requests and say yes whenever possible - because it allows them to dream, create, and experience.

I have learned to dole out grace and mercy, rather than consequences.  OR in addition to consequences.  I encourage my kids to "try that again" or "ask in a different tone" rather than saying "When you ask me in that tone, the answer is NO!"  

I have learned to pause and ask myself, "What is fueling this behavior?"  Because behavior fueled by fear, hunger, over-stimulation, exhaustion, boredom, frustration, etc... all need to be handled differently.  The outside behavior may be the same.  Kids only have so many behaviors - but the reason they are behaving a certain way (talking back, whining, tantruming, etc) can vary vastly.  Treating a child that is acting out because he is hungry or tired the same was as I would a child who is acting out because he is scared makes no sense.

Example: I recently had a call telling me that one of my children was acting very defiantly when asked to do certain tasks.  This child was saying "No!  I won't do it!"  After speaking to the adult and my child, I realized that in reality my child was scared that the task was impossible and he would fail.  Saying "NO!" felt safer than admitting he was afraid.  How this professional handled him after realizing the root of his "no" was fear was very different than when she thought he was simply challenging her authority.  I have learned to do the same.

I have also learned that sometimes grace and understanding makes a MUCH bigger impact than doling out consequences.  We had a very difficult morning, recently.  Joshua was tired, grumpy and looking for a fight.  I tried to keep things light - but he was not having it.  He exploded in a tirade of ugly words and tears before running up to his room to hide.   I knew that he knew better.  We have never allowed tantrums and ugly words.  He knew he was wrong.  A lecture would not help the situation.  So, I walked up to his room and told him, "Joshua.  Some mornings are rough.  I think we need to restart.  Let's leave early, stop at the gas station and buy a pack of gum."  That heartbroken little guy peeled himself out of his bed, wrapped his arms around me and gave me a big sad hug.  I kissed his head, and the morning was back on track.  He had a productive day at school, and that evening we were able to talk about how he could better handle hard mornings.  (Now, if Joshua threw a fit in hopes that I would bribe him with a stop at the gas station for a pack of gum my reaction would be very different!  But, he was not manipulating me.  He was simply a good kid having an off morning.  Additionally, research shows that chewing gum can help regulate emotions - which means there was more than one method to my madness!)

So, it is true.  I am a totally different mom than I was years ago.  I often think, "Poor Krissy."  The grace-giving, bubble gum-buying mom of today is not the mom she knew as a little one.  When she says, "Things have really changed around here!" she is correct.  Yet, sometimes change is good. In actuality, I hope I continue to change and grow and learn and adjust.  I hope to finish well, not retire early.  Even if my kids can tag me in every "when I was a kid" meme on FB for the rest of my life!

***For the record, Krissy has never tagged me in a meme.  But if she did, it would probably be legit!

Perfectly Pinkalicious

I wish words could capture just how much this little girly LOVED her birthday.  She was so happy.  So sweet.  So excited.  So precious.  It was a day I want to hide in my heart always because of the simple joy that oozed from every pore in her body.

Mataya loves "pink! pink! pink!"  which made for a very simple party theme.  Pink clothes, pink balloons, pink cupcakes, pink strawberries, pink punch, pink napkins, pink party hats all made for a very pleased princess.

Mommy and daddy bought her a new pink dress, headband, and sparkly shoes.

 I told Mataya that I wanted to take a picture of her with every person at her party.  She loved it, at first.  However, about 5 pictures in she says, "Mom!  I have to tell you a secret!"  I bent low so she could speak in my ear.  And she stage whispered, "I am sick of pictures!"

So - enjoy the first few minutes of her party!

 Only Mataya (with momma's help) could get this group to pose for a picture in pink party hats.  She is dearly loved, and she loves deep and wide in return.

Baby Soph is so stinkin' sweet right now.  Those pigtails combined with her chubby leg strut melt my heart.  And when she says, "LaLa"  the entire universe stops.  She learns a new word every 30 seconds and loves to sing "clean-up, clean-up."  I am going to have to stop calling her baby Sophie soon, but I am not ready yet.  She is still far too squishable to be labeled anything but baby.

Wyatt is too fast for the camera.  He is nearly potty trained.  And he and Mataya FINALLY play really well together.  Mataya has not always been the greatest auntie. . . however, at long last these two are buds!

Mataya adores Uncle Chad.  "He's a horse expert." which is code for the coolest of cool in Mataya's universe.

Not pictured are Grandma Donna and Grandpa Scott.  Devin, Krissy and Wyatt.  Auntie Emily, Adrianna and Alexa.  Rebekah and Braedon.  As usual, as the house filled, I lost my camera - but there was not a person in our home that Mataya was not THRILLED to see.  She went to bed saying, "MOM!  So many people love me."

There is no greater gift than to be loved.

This girl.

She is the enthusiasm, the energy, the joy, and the sweetness that fills my days.  I call her my littlest best friend, because we have been nearly inseparable since the moment God placed her in my belly.  She causes me to play and laugh and dance.  She is crazy smart.  She is unbelievably imaginative.   She is totally detailed.  She is deliciously silly.  She is also mischievous and sneaky.  She has made more messes, locked more doors, and broken more rules than her older siblings combined.  (Partially because she does not have siblings to tell on her!)  She gives the world's greatest hugs and expresses her love in such sweet, kind, and thoughtful ways.

TayTay Hopie girl, I have enjoyed these last four years more than you may ever realize.  Getting to be with you all the time is such a gift.  I love your office antics, your help around the house, your endless request for one more story.  You are every sixth beat of my heart, dear one.  The sweetest treat in the whole candy store.  I am so, so, so, so VERY thankful that God chose us for you.  So very thankful!

Remembering to Savor

Four years ago, today, I took this picture.

I am not one to take selfies.  But four years ago, on this very day, I was feeling sad and nostalgic and grateful and excited and I wanted to forever remember each and every feeling.

I knew it was the last day, in my entire life, that I would be pregnant.  I LOVED being pregnant.  And my pregnancy with Mataya was extra-special because I was older, calmer, wiser -  and I knew to savor each kick and enjoy every hiccup.  This particular pregnancy had been such a precious, sacred time in my spirit.  God used that tiny baby growing inside of me to restore hope in my soul.  I was sad to let go of that precious time.

I was also over-the-moon-excited to meet our baby!

(And. . .I was hopeful that one day in the not too distant future I would be able to wear pants that zipped.)

On this day, I knew it was time to move forward, but for once in my life, I chose to fully embrace an experience.  To live completely, totally in the moment.  And savor the goodness.

It was beautiful.

As I head to bed tonight, with my home bathed in pink for our precious Mataya Hope's pinkalicious party tomorrow, I once again feel a little sad.  

Today was the very last day that I will ever have a three year old, and rather than fully savor the sweet silliness of my littlest girl, I focused on the mundane.  Grocery lists.  Graduation party planning. Cleaning.  Long run.  Cupcake baking.  Sure, I cheered when she completed a 50 piece puzzle.  I tickled her and hugged her tight when I returned from the store.  I let her mix the cupcakes.  I held her on my lap while we ate supper.  BUT - and this BUT is HUGE - rather than savor it, rather than notice the gift that it is, I galloped through the day.  I parented well.  I got a ton done.  Yet, I missed it.

In the rush and the noise and the planning, I missed the gratitude.  That moment of looking across the room and fully embracing how blessed I am to be her mom.  How incredibly lucky I am that she says, "Mom!  I love you!" at least 20 times a day.  I didn't remember to breathe in the scent of her when she wrapped her arms and legs around me in the greatest hug ever given by a three year old little girl to the mom she adores.

So, I am headed off to bed now.  In the middle of the bed lies a sleeping princess.  Daddy is at the lake (until tomorrow), so Mataya gets to sleep with me.  And tonight when we lie cheek to cheek and she is hogging my pillow and my blanket and way more of the bed than someone her size should be able to hog, I will breathe in the scent of her.  I will savor her touch and her kicks.  When she wakes up earlier than I wish saying, "Mommy is it morning time yet?"  I will choose utter, complete gratitude.

I may have gotten caught up in the rush today, but that is not the life I will choose.  I choose to savor.  I choose to laugh.  I choose to embrace the moments.  I choose to live full of gratitude.

Cabin Life

We headed to the lake this weekend with all the kids - well all the kids that currently love at home, that is.  And it was such a good reminder of why we are doing this!

Building the cabin, nearly 100% on our own, has been hard!  There is still A LOT to get done.  Some days, it seems endless.

But, watching the kids hang together this weekend cemented the knowledge that THIS is right.  Our vision is correct and the work is totally, completely worth it!

Just look at them. . .

Where at home, we all tend to be off doing our own thing, at the cabin we nap together, game together, laugh together, and movie together.  Cabin life is my favorite life.