When His Joy Becomes Our Strength

Of all the things I have done in my lifetime, homeschooling Joshua is the hardest.  I do not say that to whine and complain, it is simply a fact.  Some things are HARD and RIGHT at the same time.

Homeschooling Joshua is one of those things.

I do not want to go into a lot of details and thus betray Joshua's trust, but some days are ugly.  Joshua does not value traditional learning, AND it does not come easy.  This makes homeschooling a wonderful option for him.  One on one learning makes lessons shorter and more personal, leaving less room to become frustrated and confused.  Shorter lessons gives him more time to explore things he enjoys and is naturally good at.  It is a slam dunk for him.

For me. . .

It is the right choice.

It is possible.

It is saving my son's mental health. 

I have a front row seat as he becomes more confident.  (We see his growing confidence in so many ways.  He will request we take his photo.  He wants to hear more about his past.  He asks questions.  He is more willing to try new things.)

I am able to see His faith develop. He gobbles up Bible time.  Every other subject has come with tension, but not Bible.  And he has successfully memorized many verses.

I see him learning and growing scholastically.  He is starting to love stories.  Where he once thought he hated books, through quality books being read aloud, I see his passion for books and story growing.  Through one on one instruction, his ability to read on his own is also blossoming.

BUT - it is not without struggle.  Nothing I have ever done has been as emotionally exhausting.  If I push too hard, he freezes.  The trauma switch goes off, and it is OVER.  If I do not push enough, he does not progress.  He is happiest in his comfort zone, so pushing himself forward does not happen. 

Yet.

This is the verse, I claim for him daily.  It is from Psalm 51:12

"Restore to Joshua the joy of your salvation
and grant to Joshua a WILLING SPIRIT

to sustain him."

My greatest desire is that Joshua will have a willing, joyful spirit.  That where he is now resistant and guarded, the Lord will redeem and restore.

The first weeks in January have been brutally difficult.  Brutally.

I was at a place where I did not if I could go on.  I knew it was best for Joshua.  I knew it was the task that the Lord was calling me to in this season, but I did not know if I could continue.

And God sent me this:

"When we don't see results from our work for the Lord, it can feel disappointing and even create doubt.  But when we walk in faith and obedience to God, we can be sure our labor is not futile or wasted.  1 Corinthians 15:58 reminds us because we have victory through Jesus we can "...be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." (except from a devotion on the First 5 ap)

I don't know what your seemingly fruitless work is, but I am certain you have some.  We all do.  The struggle is real.  Thankfully, we are not alone in it.  God always meets us in the hard of His service.

I needed His encouragement that morning in January.  Somehow, this reminder that my work is not futile brought me peace.  My circumstances did not change that week.  They did not change for part of the next.  But slowly, ever so slowly things have improved.  And Friday, we had some moments of peaceful productivity unlike any we had had thus far in 2019.

I am thankful for these moments.  Even more, I am thankful for a God who not only calls us BUT sustains us.

Our theme verse for this semester of school is Nehemiah 8:10

"This day is HOLY to our LORD.

Do NOT grieve (or whine and complain)

for the JOY of the LORD is our

STRENGTH."

And while I am convinced He will test us.  I have NO DOUBT that He will also meet us in the hard and His JOY will become our STRENGTH.

PS - Although much of this post casts a negative shadow over Joshua, I want to clarify that outside of school tasks he is a delight.  He is helpful, thoughtful, obedient and hard-working.  And his attitude is capable of flipping like a switch.  If school is rough, he can let it go quickly and move past it as we move into "family mode."  He may be difficult to teach, but our relationship is stronger from the experience rather than crumbling.

Switcheroo

Because I am a glutton for punishment, I recently agreed to let my kids do some bedroom swapping.  Brenna has always had the smallest room on the second level.  She has been wishing to move into Krissy's former room for years, and I kept dragging my feet.  My excuse was that until Jamison and Ida got married, I needed a bedroom for each of them.  Which was true, however the real reason I did not want her to swap rooms was that I knew Brenna would want to paint, and the idea of painting just overwhelmed me.  Painting Krissy's room, would be a big task.  And it would lead into another big task - painting Brenna's room to match the things I had in the guest room/Krissy's room.  So rather than move anyone, I just kept saying, "Wait!"

But. . . I finally decided that it was time to cave, after all Brenna only has 2.5 years left under our roof!  So we allowed her to paint over Christmas break.  She painted the entire room and ceiling, by herself.  And it is a big room.  She also moved all the stuff that was in it out.

Into the hall. . .

But out.

Chad built her the bed, nightstand, and table/desk she fell in love with on Pinterest.  And wallah!  She had a whole new room with a completely new look.

 We suggested that she keep her new room clean.

Apparently this is her version of clean.

If you had seen past versions, you would recognize the progress.

UFF!

 I LOVE this little nightstand.  Chad made it from wood leftover from the bed and scrap metal sitting around the shop.  It is so stinkin' cute!

 We need to order a cute stool.

Some pale grey sheets.

And a big mirror.

Also -  the walls are white, with a touch of grey.  I do not know why they photographed pinkish tan?

Last Friday night, while this tall beauty was at her winter formal, I started repainting her old room.  It felt a bit historic.  We have now been here long enough that a fresh coat of paint was needed on all the walls before I moved stuff back in.  Two walls I repainted the canvas tan (white) they have always been.  The other two walls I painted the deep chocolate brown from Krissy's room.  (Builder tip - buy good quality paint.  Six and a half years later, I stirred up my paint and it want on without a drip or clump!)  By 2am, I had the room repainted and the furniture moved in!  I hung pictures the next day, and wahlah!  One more room successfully shifted!

 I still need Chad to rehang the headboard,  but outside of that it is complete.  I even got the crib back together all by myself!

This might be my favorite wall in my whole home.  One baby pic of each of our kids and grandkids.  Oh, the nostalgia remembering each of those babes bring!

The good news is that I love this little bedroom set up this way!

And fresh paint makes me happy.

I think I mentioned being a glutton for punishment?  Well, to prove that, Saturday I moved on to Jamison's old room.  I decided that since it was in dire need of a fresh coat of paint, and I had everything out anyway. . .

So I repainted Jamison's old room and moved Joshua into it.

He says he "downsized" because Jamison's room is smaller than his old room is, but it looks fresh and grown-up - and he is very proud!

This flag used to fly in my Grandpa and Grandma Regner's farmyard. My momma gave it to Joshua after he received his citizenship.  He is so thrilled.  He has also asked if she would bring him an Ethiopian flag home from her next trip to the country of his birth so that he can hang it in his room as well.  BOTH make me so happy.  His growing identity and comfort in who he is amazes and inspires me.  It is such an answer to prayer.

I have one more room swap planned.  Soon, I will repaint Joshua's old room.  It will become a playroom/classroom.  For now. . .

Once Sierra is settled in a place of her own and I save a bit of cash, I want to tear out the wall between her bedroom and Joshua's to create a large rec/movie room.  

It is a good thing Chad likes a remodeling project as much as I do because I am learning that as our family grows, ages and changes so do our needs in our home.  Where once I needed 7 bedrooms, I now only need 4! Instead of bedrooms, a large gathering space for when all my people come home would be wonderful!

Times are a changing!  I only used one pound of hamburger in my meatloaf for supper. . . and we had leftovers!  At one time, I made three pounds of meatloaf and left the table hungry-ish.  The really exciting about the changes, is that my heart is content.  I LOVED the days of old.  I LOVED every (OK so almost every) moment of raising the oldest kids.  BUT, I do not wish for those days back.  I am happy for where all of us are right now.  What a blessing that is!

Citizenship At Last

Citizenship has become a hot topic in America.  However, when we brought Joshua into this country, things were different.  Deportation did not feel a constant threat, and no one urged us to rush filing for his Certificate of Citizenship.  We had filed a ton of paperwork with USCIS getting approval to bring an "alien" into our country as our child.  It was approved, and the advice of the day was to get the COC finalized before he was 18 because it made FAFSA easier.  

I am not usually one to sit on paperwork, but I was SO tired of it.  Plus, we were broke.  Then we built the house, had a new baby. . . in all honesty I got distracted for a while. However, as our political climate changed, I started waking in the night worrying.  What if my son became one of those terrible cases you see on the evening news?

In January of 2016 (yes, I typed that correctly) I mailed the stack of paperwork and big ole check the government required to finalize Joshua's citizenship.  I received confirmation they got all the documents, and that was it for 18 months.  18 months into the process, I FINALLY got an email in response to the one I had sent months earlier.  I was told everything was approved, and we would be notified of his naturalization ceremony soon.

In November, I still had NO word on the ceremony.  I was feeling alone and helpless and forgotten. With the need to travel to Norway for Jamison and Ida's wedding this summer, the timing felt even more dire.  It was absolutely imperative that Joshua be able to travel with us.  In frustration and desperation, I reached out by email to Senator Hoeven's office.  I received a phone call within the week.  Monty, the staff person who spoke with me, was so kind.  She was responsive to my questions, compassionate, and willing to help.

Less than 6 weeks later, I was shocked and completely thrilled to get a call from USCIS in Fargo stating they had Joshua's expedited COC.  And today, we were FINALLY able to sign every needed document and receive his official Certificate of Citizenship once and for all.

I am beyond thankful to have this completed.

Yet, it is bittersweet.  There is a part of my heart that feels as though becoming a US citizen is a denial of Joshua's Ethiopian heritage.  And there is nothing about his heritage that we want to deny.  His biological roots are beautiful, and it is my prayer that they will grow deeper as he ages.

The complexity of adoption never ceases to amaze me.  It is not simple.  It never will be.  But it is beautiful.  And I am so utterly, humbly grateful that we were chosen to be his parents.  So often I wish I could have coffee with his Ethiopian mom and share some goofy or grand event in his life.  We share an amazing boy.  If she could see him now, I know she would be so proud.  I am also quite certain she would side with me on things like lotion usage and haircuts. (11 year old boys do not spend much time worrying about their appearance!) But if I am honest, she would probably side with Joshua on pants.  (I think he needs new pants because they are short.  He says they are in good condition, why replace them?)

If she could see him now. . .

A Whole New Year

I tend to be particularly introspective as each new year begins.  I think many people are, but for me, my birthday and the start of the chronological new year are so close together that it is a fitting time to look both backward and forward. 

Looking back. . . 

2018 was a year of HUGE change.

1. It started with me beginning the year angry.  I had realized that my family was not on the path I wished them to be on.  I had spoiled everyone, and that spoiling had resulted in a tired, angry, overworked and underappreciated mom.  Angry fixes nothing, but it can fuel change.  After voicing my hurt to my family, we worked hard to change.  Twelve months later, I am much happier - and so is the rest of my family.  The moral of my story. . . ask for help, honestly and humbly voice your needs, being "less" may just allow your family to be MORE!

2. We finished the cabin.  It was HARD - but the most glorious accomplishment.

3. Jamison got married.

4. Sierra went to college.

5. I began homeschooling Joshua.

6. We lost Chad's grandpa and two very dear friends.

7. Chad and I have worked hard at making decisions together, little and big.  We have always supported the decisions the other makes, but we haven't always discussed the small stuff a whole lot.  We made a point to do that this year, and we ended the year more unified in every way than ever before.

Phew!

Though many of the changes that 2018 brought were GOOD - change is hard work. 

Life feels much more stable looking forward.  It appears that in 2019 we can build on and fine-tune some of the changes we experienced in 2019.  But time will tell!

One never knows. . .

I like to choose a word, a theme of sorts, to concentrate on each year.  I thought (maybe hoped) my word for 2019 would be joy.  BUT, very early on  the morning of my birthday, the Lord showed me His theme for my year.

PEACE.

We spent my birthday weekend at the cabin.  It was a full house.  Jamison and Ida had one bedroom.  Sierra, Brenna and Mataya had another.  Joshua bunked in the unfinished kiddie loft.  Mataya woke up in the middle of the night with a bad dream, so she climbed in our bed.  There is NOTHING comfortable about being the middle sleeper in a bed meant for two, but that is where I found myself on the morning of my 44th birthday.  Chad, exhausted from snow removal, snored on one side of me.  Mataya, restless from nightmares, slept on the other.  I was surrounded by knees and elbows, too hot and then too cold, wishing for a pillow and ear plugs.  I lay wide awake in those wee hours, totally uncomfortable and YET totally grateful.  To begin a year surrounded by such love and commitment is the highest of honors.

I slipped out of bed, silently stoked the wood stove, started the coffee maker, and grabbed my Bible, devotion book and journal.  In the light of the Christmas tree, I read these words:

"Pursuing PEACE means making an effort.  We need God's help, and we need God's grace."

-Joyce Meyer

Those words lit up my soul in a way that only the Word of the Lord can do.  You see, I long for peace.  Quiet is my jam.  I get up at 5:15 am every day so that I can have some quiet time with Jesus and coffee before my house awakens.  Rush unsettles me like few other things.  I thrive at the lake because there is LESS, and I am so thankful the Lord gave us that gift in the middle of the busiest season because in it He restores me.

However, in the quiet of that morning, He also told me that I need to PURSUE peace.  Peace is not a place.  It is not an unstuffed schedule.  It is not the lack of noise.  It is a choice.

"Peacemakers are committed to peace. They crave peace, pursue peace, and go after it. They don't just hope for it.  They don't just pray for it.  They aggressively pursue it in the power of God."

-Joyce Meyer (again)

So, this year, I intend to pursue peace.

His peace.

Perfect peace.

Peace that passes all understanding.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Peace, is His gift to me.  In the year to come, I intend to explore and use that gift as I never have before.  And in those moments when I am tempted to be afraid that the stuff of this year will challenge that goal more than I can bear - I look to the second half of the verse.  It is as if He knew just how I would question and doubt. . .

oh, yeah!  He did know.  Even then, 2000 years ago.

Peace is something I want to learn.  Teach me, Lord.  Your peace is a gift.  I want to open it fully and joyfully make use of it.  Thank You for being near.  Thank You for speaking to my heart.  Thank You for teaching me.  Thank You for the many gifts You give.  Be glorified in my life, my home, my family, and our business in the year ahead.  Be Glorified, I pray.