Once Upon a Time, I had one year fully wrapped up and was ready to dive into the next - aspirations and all - on January 1.
Not anymore!
This year, I needed a little extra time to process 2016 before I jumped head first into 2017. In January of 2016 the Lord gave me the word "abide." I knew in my heart I was to abide in Him throughout 2016 - but that was all I knew. I am thankful He prepared me while also leaving me unprepared! When I think back over 2016, it was a year of disappointments. More often than not, things did not go as I had envisioned or planned. More often than not, I was left to face hard things alone. It was me and God. Abide in Me was how I survived. And although it was a HARD, HARD, HARD year, I see His hands all over it. I am so thankful for His grace, protection, and companionship. I am also glad 2016 is OVER!
Standing with both feet in 2017, I am feeling a battle between hope and fear taking place in my soul. I am so hopeful for a "better" year. And also so scared to hope. (I know you have been there!) But as I have been praying about the year, the word He has given me is "intimacy."
Side note - You should have seen my kids squirm and my husband beam when I told them that my word for 2017 was intimacy. It was hilarious!
Anyway - the intimacy He has placed in my heart involves relationships outside of the bedroom. (Sorry, babe!) It involves intimacy with Him. True soul baring. Time. Trust. Choosing faith over fear. And meditation in a way that is new(ish) to me. Scripture memorization. While I have memorized scripture over the years, I have never felt called for memorization to be a part of my daily focus. This year, I am feeling that I need to be repeating scripture moment by moment. Memorizing it and using it as I train my heart and mind and soul to connect with His. I do not have a goal of a certain number of verses to commit to memory. I just feel strongly lead to seal scripture into my heart and have it be the focus of my day.
Last week, I started with Habakkuk 3:2
What an awesome prayer is that for this time in our country? For this time in my home and family?
Renew Your deeds, Lord. Make Your might and power and glory known. And though we deserve your wrath. Please, oh please, be merciful.
I find myself waking to these words running through my heart. But it didn't start that way. The first few days I had them posted everywhere and stumbled over the words. It was intentional work to commit them to memory and intentional work to truly meditate on them. As I have chosen the work, I feel the Lord stirring in my soul such sweet longing and trust in His power and in His mercy.
I have also felt called to really look back into my life and remember the times I have stood in awe of His deeds. THOSE moments are the stones on which I choose to stand this year.
Because I have been struggling with choosing hope over fear, this week I am slogging through Hebrews 10:23.
It is interesting all that is happening in my heart as I meditate on this verse. It has been stirred in deep and sometimes ugly ways. Monday night I was awake most of the night battling a spirit of fear. All the doubt that I stuff into the hidden recesses of my heart is being brought to light as I swallow this verse whole. The reality of my doubts and fears are colliding with the TRUTH that I cling to. Both are real. The fight is exhausting me. My head is pounding, my shoulder muscles are in knots. I am weary. And in all honesty. I have not yet fully let go. And that fact humbles, disappoints and frustrates me. It also challenges me. Lord, I want to give my whole heart to You. Take it all. Remove all doubt and fear. Allow me to stand with hands held high and a heart set free declaring that I will hold unswervingly to the hope I profess, for You who promised are faithful.
As I continue to meditate on this verse, He has given me a visual. I am driving a car (perhaps sitting in the driver's seat of my life) gripping the steering wheel (hope) tightly. Another driver is barreling at me (fear) but I must hold my position and step on the throttle (keep trusting and hoping with vigilance and bravery) if I am to make it through the snowbank (obstacles) up ahead. He (fear) is in my lane, and I must not back down or I will get stuck.
Even this visual is soooo not me. I adore safety. If there are big snowbanks on the road, I stay home! However, this picture of holding tight and barreling through even though the road ahead may be challenging has comforted me. It has challenged me, excited me even, to press on.
Switching gears (pun not intended) . . .
In addition to feeling called to intimacy with the Lord, I feel very strongly that I need to choose intimacy in other relationships as well. In the past few years I have not chosen to set aside very much time to invest in relationships outside of Chad and the kids. It has been such a good thing. It has been a season of pruning my priorities and going deeper with my crew, while also learning more about myself. Solitude has grown me.
At the same time, it has become too much of a habit. While I am definitely an introvert and I always will be, I have taken it to the next level. And it is not completely healthy. I do not have much margin in my life. I am not sure how to add anything to my list. Intimacy takes time and I have been arguing with God that I do not have any time, but He keeps rolling His eyes at me and reminding me that I am just making excuses! So, I shall intentionally work on it. Making a call instead of sending a text? Prying my winter-hating self out into the cold to have dinner or coffee or a pedicure with a girlfriend once in a while? Trying to find a small group study that will be intimate and foster relationships at a heart level instead of one in which I can remain fairly anonymously challenged in the Word? It sounds like fun. It also sounds risky. I've chosen to keep a very protective lid on my heart these last few years. Allowing people more access is a little freaky.
While I feel called toward intimate relationships, I feel called away from social media. I have struggled with FaceBook forever. I actually never wanted an account, I was "coerced" by former co-workers that in order to be part of the current culture I HAD to be on FB when I created my account. The one thing I love about FB is being able to keep casual tabs on old friends. It has replaced Christmas cards and letters for many of us. I adore seeing the pictures of my nieces and nephews! I enjoy glimpsing into the hearts of those important to me as they post various news articles and also their own personal news and updates.
I do not love the amount of time FB and other social media can take. I do not love the rabbit trails I find myself hopping down when I am on social media. I do not love all the product sales, false news, and ugly comments that I see on social media. I have found that it often sucks the positive energy right out of me! Simultaneously, it leaves me distracted and staring at my phone instead of engaging in the people around me or doing other things that fill me up. (I know social media is a great thing for many people. I am not saying YOU need to stay away! I just know that I need to somehow distance myself from it.)
That said, I am not sure how I will handle social media in the year to come. In this day and age, it is not something I feel comfortable just walking away from. It keeps a door of communication open with many people, and I do not want to lose that. I am not sure how to "keep up" with people a bit while NOT being sucked in - but I am working on it. For starters, I took it OFF my phone. Mataya pretty much owns my IPad, which limits my FB access to after 9 or on my computer. That alone feels SO freeing!
So how about you? Do you have social media tips and tricks you could share? Do you have a word or a New Year's aspiration you are striving toward?
Today is a new day, in a new Year. Happy New Year, friends! (Yes, 11 days late!) Happy New Year! Are you ready to hold on tight with me and follow His path unswervingly? I hope so, because I need your support! He is faithful, my friends. On that alone, you can trust.
