Joshua's Preschool Program

I have NOT had a good week. I feel like I have dropped more than my share of balls.  Chad and I have agreed that after I get some rest, we need to remodel my life.  So be praying about our next "reconstruction project."  There has to be a better plan, and prayerfully, we will figure it out.

Tonight WAS Joshua's program.  His Daddy got him there on time and looking handsome.  (Momma worked all day.)  And I would love to show you beautiful pictures taken with my new zoom lens, but I forgot my memory card.  So the only pictures I have were taken by Jamison with his phone.  I am very grateful for them!  I am also very upset with myself for messing yet another thing up this week.

 Jamison said, "It was one of the best programs ever!  Why can't all programs be that good?!"

And he meant it!

 

These kiddos were so cute.

 

They sand AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS!!!  You could not understand many words, but you could sure hear their voices.

Here is our sweet son, very clearly saying his part into the microphone.

 

He said, " Maybe it's a special Christmas present for Christmas."  In a smooth, clear, unhurried voice.

 

After he said his part, I lost it.  I am not joking.  I started like totally crying.  My kids looked at me like I was losing my mind as I tried not to sob.  It was totally unlike me.

 

(In addition to being totally exhausted and stressed) This child amazes me.  One year ago, he was stuttering almost uncontrollably. He was no where near ready to go to school.  It was too intimidating, too institutional, brought back too many memories of loneliness and fear.

 

This year, he proudly stood before a large crowd of people and recited a line into a microphone.  The magnitude of just how far he has come hit me like a ton of overly emotional bricks, and I cried like a crazy person.  No one in the room (or few people anyway) knew his story.  They had NO idea how far he has come.  He behaved just like a 5 year old should.  There was nothing spectacular about his performance, which is EXACTLY what I have been praying for. 

 

Joshua fell asleep tonight before I was even done with our good-night song.  So I lay next to him for a while and prayed this simple prayer of thanks over my amazing boy.

 

"Thank you God that Joshua is filled with a spirit of sonship, not fear.  Thank you that he is strong and courageous.  Thank you that he is no longer terrified or discouraged.  Thank you that You have been with him wherever he goes."

 

I am so incredibly thankful for all the ways God has fulfilled His promises in Joshua

Gebeyehu's life.  It is simply beautiful.

BCC Christmas Program and Gifts of Worship Celebration

This year we did something new at our church.  Instead of a kids only Christmas Program, we incorporated more people and more gifts in what we called "Gifts of Worship."  We challenged members of our congregation to use their artistic talents and present a gift of worship tonight.  We had a good variety!  Some song, some dance, some art, some photography, some video, some poetry.  It was really fun to see it come together.


 Brenna is our artist.  She chose to paint this picture using watercolors.  She knew what she wanted it to look like.  After several attempts, she was proud of her work!  (Me too!)

 Sierra was a part of the main play.

 

She does a wonderful job acting!

 Joshua and Brenna sang with the BCC Kids.

 

He was excited and nervous.  I think he went potty 6 times before the show started!

 "Away In A Manger"

 He got tired of his assigned seat, so he found a more comfortable one.

 He had to make sure we noticed him.

 Sitting and waiting is boring!  He was making faces at Jay!

 His charming response to the mom look of "behave!"

 Flirting with the camera instead of singing.

 Brenna sang with perfection throughout the whole show.

"Did you see me?  I was on stage!"

 

It was a good night!

Failing At Christmas?

THB (to be honest as my Sierra would post) I feel like I am failing at Christmas.

I am THE MOST frazzled and disorganized I have ever been in my whole entire life. Evidence being, I planned my whole day around Joshua's preschool program today.  I made sure he got a nap.  We practiced his part.  I got him dressed.  We drove around kids for 4 hours - no exaggeration.  We ate dinner in the car because there was no time to go home for dinner.  ONLY TO DISCOVER that I had the date wrong.  His program is actually Thursday.

"I" don't do things like that.

I have maybe half of our Christmas gifts purchased and NOT one it wrapped.

I have 8+ hours of work to do for Chad yet this week.

Every evening this week is full of activities.

I have menus to make, groceries to buy, cleaning to do.

I do not feel peaceful or joyful.

I feel rushed, frenzied, and frustrated.

And that makes me feel guilty.

How does any of this honor Jesus' birth?

How does the tasking and preparing and rushing and performing give Him any glory?

How do I ditch all the tasking and not disappoint our family?

I am filled with questions, while running in survivor mode.

In all reality for this year, I will get most of it done one way or another.  I can always sleep less, right?  Chad will help.  Meals can be simple.  My house does not have to look like a museum.

But, for next year we have much soul searching to do.  Some of the frenzy is due to the move/flood/being and feeling unsettled still.  Some I can conquer next just because God-willing my life will be a bit more structured and manageable.  Some must be wrestled through and pinned down in a more God honoring way.

I want to savor the Christmas season.

I want to sink in and bask in His love.

I want more of Him and less of this rush.

I want to worry more about pleasing Him and less about pleasing my kids when they open their gifts.

I want to focus MORE on hanging with the people I adore and LESS on the tasks I need to perform to make our hanging "perfect."  (This one I can work towards this year!  So thankful I have the honor of hosting Chad's family.  So thankful they are always willing to help.  So thankful they want to BE together, to laugh, and to share our stories MORE than anything else!  I know the stress I feel is about MY expectations of MYSELF, not what you demand of me.)

Rather than the rush and the failure I am allowing to sneak into my heart, I want moments like THESE to DEFINE my Christmas.

This afternoon after Joshua was dressed and ready for his "program" we had this super silly photo shoot.  We had so much fun.

 

THAT is how I want to spend Christmas, laughing and losing all track of time and tasks as I enjoy those I hold most dear.

 

Praying I will remember that very real and honest goal as the tasks close in tomorrow morning!

Best Moment of the Year

It has been a crummy afternoon, filled with minor annoyances like emails stating several of the gifts I have ordered will not make it by Christmas. And major ones involving insurance adjusters.

So I went to my happy place . . . photos!

They help me remember that not every moment is hard.

In fact this one was simply divine.

 

I am thankful tonight for precious memories.

 

AND

 

I am thankful for the knowledge that there are greater things yet to come.

 

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12



My Favorite Things

 Tis the season!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. . .

 

and all the rest of the Christmas cliches!

 

I actually confessed to Chad, as I grouted our bathroom floor, that I will be VERY relieved when Christmas is finally here!  We have a stacked full week of programs, parties, and preparations!  I have not wrapped a single gift.  Both jobs will be hopping!  And I am not even done shopping.

 

However, rush RUINS Christmas!

 

So, I am doing my best to take one task at a time and enjoy a bit of the season.

 

(I may be concerned about the hurdles of the week to come, but I am so excited for next weekend.  We will have a house full of family, and I can not wait!  We will get to spend time with each of our siblings and their kids!  I am so ready to cozy up and play!)

 

 On that note, I share my very favorite Christmas thing!

 

When Sierra was born, my mom (and dad) bought me this little twiggy tree.  I really wanted it, and I could not afford it.  So instead of flowers, my mom delivered this tree.

 

Over the years, I have decorated it with a photo ornament of each of our kids each and every year.

 Looking at each ornament and how out kids have grown through the years makes my heart happy.

Having all our kids home for Christmas does too!  I confess to being a bit teary this morning during church as I realized that next year will be our last Christmas (most likely) with all of our kids living under our roof!  As I listened to the teasing, arguing, and giggles as we drove home from church, I was just so thankful that we are all together.

 

(This little tree is FULL though.  I think a bigger model will need to be on my after Christmas clearance list!)

This is my other favorite thing this weekend!

It took Chad almost ALL day on Saturday, but at long last the campers have been moved.

We now have a lovely view of the neighborhood from our living room windows.

 

It is a simple blessing we are all appreciating!

 

One funny note from the weekend includes stockings!

 

You may remember that Joshua does not dig Santa!  The first year he was home, he was absolutely terrified of the guy.  He was so very scared that Santa would sneak into his room at night, shove him into his sack, and throw him in the garbage that we have always told him that Santa is PRETEND!

 

Well, next weekend he will get to see his little cousins, who are REALLY into Santa!  They have been "elf on the shelfing" all month and are pumped about everything North Pole.  I have been very worried that Joshua will let them know under no uncertain terms that Santa is a game that parents like to play. He can not understand why so many parents "lie" and "trick" their kids about Santa.  There is nothing fun about the game to him, it is just silly!

 

So we have been practicing so he can play the game too!

 

I ask him to pretend I am his auntie or cousin asking, "Are you excited for Santa to come?"

He responds in the funniest high pitch voice, "Yes!"

 

Then I ask what he hopes Santa will bring him.

He just laughs and laughs!

 

It is a hoot!

 

**For the record, I am not a Santa hater!  We played the game with our older kids, but I also do not miss it.  I always felt a bit guilty fooling my kids.  So having the little guy be Anti-Santa is OK with me! 

 

Also - please continue to pray about our insurance settlement.  The saga is still not over.  Christmas would feel much more peaceful if it were over!



Rediscovering Chad

Chad and I have been married for 17 years, and although life has not always been easy, marriage has.

We have always gotten along really well.  We have the ability to work together, parent together, and still remain a couple in love.

This year has been the ultimate test for us.  We have not agreed on everything.  The year started with a disagreement about whether or not to sell a home, and (as you well know) it did not go smoothly from there forward.

We followed "Chad's" plan of action.  It was not mine, and though I did my best to have a good attitude - I struggled. 

In all honesty, he did his very best to make uncomfortable living comfortable.  He made sure to dump the tanks in the campers, which is super yucky!  He got the TV to work, the A/C to work.  He rigged up a laundry area in the shop.  No one could have worked harder to get our home done.  No one could have made it more beautiful.

But, the events of our life in the last six months took a toll on us.  We had NO privacy.  We both worked like slaves.  I felt more like an employee, cook, laundress, and nanny than the adored wife I have always been.  We continued to task well together, though our hearts were distant.

The week we moved out of our flooded home and into a hotel I was so angry with Chad that I feared I would never get over it.  I have never, ever, ever felt that way.  Some of the anger was righteous, some was pure emotion, some was deep grief - but ALL was terribly divisive.  I knew that I had a choice to make.  I could forgive him and we could move on, or I could hang on to my anger and let life get really ugly.  I knew the right course of action, however I was incapable of following it.

So I sent a 911 email to several trusted friends asking them to pray for me.  I needed their prayer support in order to "get over myself."

I am so thankful for good friends.  Sometimes I get too far off the deep end to even pray in the right direction, and they filled that gap for me.  They did not judge or lecture.  They just vowed to pray.

Truly, that very same week, I could feel the anger begin to dissipate.  I worked HARD to not allow myself to linger on my "mad list," (those things I knew I had every right to be really, really mad about because how could he. . .) and I trusted my friends to pray.

I am so thankful I chose to work hard at redirecting my thoughts.  I am so thankful I chose to let go.  You see, marriage is not magic.  There are times when you have to choose to love your spouse, times when you have to choose commitment to your family over your "rights."  It is not easy, but it is so worth it.

Slowly my anger calmed.  Chad and I had some really good talks.  He understood my hurt.  He gave me space to think and grieve.  He also chose to give up sleep in order to make us breakfast each morning.

That has been a HUGE blessing.  For most of our marriage, I was primarily a stay at home mom.  I did it all, quite happily.  In the last years when I have been working more and more, doing it all (in regard to the household duties) has gotten increasingly difficult.  This year when getting 5 kids to 4 different schools each morning, before arriving at work myself, was added to my list, I was very overwhelmed.  The fact that Chad has chosen to help me in the mornings is such a relief.

His act of service - daily service - has been a huge source of love and comfort.  It has made me feel noticed, appreciated, and supported. . . kind of like a wife instead of an employee!

In the last week, I feel like I am rediscovering my husband. My best friend and biggest cheerleader is back, and I am so thrilled.  I really, really, really missed him.

19 years ago last night, Chad asked me to marry him.  That "YES!!!!!" is absolutely the best decision I have ever made.  No doubt about it.  To calabrate, we drove around looking at Christmas lights eating ice cream, sharing dreams, and listening to Christmas music - just like we did the night Chad asked me to be his wife.  It was so good to just be together, remembering how far we have come.

Tonight, in perhaps what is the most epic act of love ever, Chad volunteered to take the little kids Christmas caroling with friends at church so I could come home and rest since I have been struggling with a killer headache.  I am seriously in shock even as I type.  I am also so grateful.

It was not smooth, or easy, or natural - but with effort our marraige is returning to normal.

I don't know how your marriage is tonight. It may be all candles and roses. It may also be an angry flood. Either way, I want to encourage you to choose love and commitment. If things are bad, choosing love and commitment (and that does not mean being a doormat) will ensure they will improve. The angry flood will only create destruction.

Choose wisely friends.  Be grateful.  Forgive always. Choose to love even when it's hard because when you do you will soon "feel" like loving again.

Thank you dear friends for praying for me.  You did much to heal my heart.  I am truly grateful.

Construction Update:Closed

Last Friday, we successfully closed on the permanent financing for our house.  It was a CRAZY week of hard, hard work - but in the end the city, the appraiser, and the bank were all satisfied.  The loan is closed at long last, and I am very relieved.  While we do have work we still need to complete in the master bathroom, garage, and yard - it is now on OUR time line. 

However, we have NOT reached a settlement with the plumber's insurance company.  A settlement appears to be near, but until it is reached all the bills for the repairs remain at the forefront of my mind.  It is hard to relax and enjoy not having to work on the house when I am concerned about these bills. 

We also continue to feel robbed of a "new" home.  I know that most of you will never notice the damage, but we do.  We notice beat up trim boards, scratches on the floor, and carpet that was not quite installed correctly the second time.  One thing I learned during the flood repairs is that the only thing worse than building a house yourself is paying someone to do bad work.  It was an ugly process, and I will be so thankful when it is officially behind us.

So please join me in praying that a settlement happens this week.  Having the bills paid before Christmas would be a HUGE load off my shoulders.

I have been thinking about that a lot this last week.  It seems as though there is always just one more detail separating me from really being able to relax and enjoy.  While this insurance settlement is a huge issue dollar wise, it is truly not just a small detail, I have been thinking a lot about learning to have peace in the moment - no matter the moment.

That is a challenge for me.  I am a doer.  I am good at getting the job done, organizing the task, rallying the troops.  That is my gift.  I can juggle quite a lot, sleep very little, and still continue to smile.

I thrive when tasking, yet the past 6 mo. have pushed me too far.  I have continued to function fairly well, but my level of anxiety is much higher than normal.  The small stuff can cause me to have to take a breath and talk myself down.  I am feeling so much better, almost like my former self, but when stress enters I feel myself react in a much more sensitive way than "I" should.

I keep thinking when certain events happen, then I will feel "all better."  When I have an office set back up in our house. . .  When we close. . .  When my bedroom is no longer a construction zone. . .  When the insurance settlement check arrives and all the bills are paid. . .   When I am able to take a couple of days off around Christmas. . . THEN I can relax!

I will be very relieved when all thise tasks are completed: however, I know is that there will never be a time when things are all in order and I can just relax, enjoy, and feel perfectly at peace.  In a house with 5 kids, perfect peace never lasts long (smile!)

So I have been challenging myself to relax even though my life is NOT relaxing.  I did not go to bed last night with a clean house.  You can laugh.  That is a big deal for me.  I "need" to have my home clean and the laundry done on Sunday night so that my week starts well.  I also did not begin the week "caught up" on the work I do for Chad.  I had a HUGE pile of mess on my desk this morning.

I did take a nap yesterday afternoon.  I did go to dinner and a movie with my husband last night.  I did come home late, walk right by the mess, and go to bed really peacefully last night.  And this morning, when I realized that Jamison had wet running tights, I laughed - even though it was 8* and he had practice this afternoon!  I decided that I could and would take advantage of the flexibility my job allows and come home this afternoon (rather than working as usual).  I could sort through my pile of mess, do his laundry, and get back to town in time to deliver it before practice.

While I confess to having a minor panic attack when I opened a couple of personal bills, all in all, it was a good day.  I am working on being peaceful when life is not.  I'd rather be peaceful and have a perfectly peaceful life - but the reality is my life is rarely peaceful and never perfect.  So, I am working hard at learning how to choose peaceful emotions despite the chaos around me.

While I can not fully claim this verse:
"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:11-13

I am working on it!  I am so thankful for His word, His promises, and His strength.  When I let go emotionally and let God comfort me and fill me up my heart relaxes and feels His perfect peace.

So I will continue to pray, for action and answers, WHILE sinking in emotionally and allowing God to be God.  To work as He wills and hold me tight all through the journey.