Fear IS a Factor for Me

When our oldest kids were small we had a (very embarrassing) Monday evening tradition.  Every Monday night we ate dinner early and rushed through baths in order to snuggle up in front of the TV and watch a show called Fear Factor.  It was a ridiculous show that was a game show - of sorts.  The competitors had to complete all sorts of "dares" in order to win.  They would have to face different fears through outrageous stunts like being buried alive, eating live bugs, etc...  I have no idea why we loved this crazy show, but we did.

In the last year or so, I have begun to be aware just how much fear factors into my own life and the decisions I make.  While I have never claimed to be a risk-taker; I would have never called myself shackled by fear either.  I am learning that while I may not be completely shackled, fear certainly IS a factor for me.

I have an amazing friend who has advised me more than one time "do not make a decision based on fear."  The first time she said it I was shocked.  I had not even realized that my "sensible" option was, in fact, the choice I would have made because I was afraid of the risk involved with the alternative, though the alternative was truly my hearts cry.  I am beginning to realize I have a definite habit of choosing the "sensible" option thus avoiding fear.

About two weeks ago I heard a radio blurb describing the Proverbs 31 woman.  One phrase stood out to me "she can laugh at the days to come." (Proverbs 31:25)  This was SO not me.  You see just the night before I had woken up in sheer terror.  I am not sure I have ever suffered anxiety to that extent in the past.  In all honesty I am not sure what triggered it. . . touring colleges with Jamison, an unexpected tax payment due, an icky customer, hormones, too much rushing, moving into my office and feeling like a real employee again, unresolved feelings about a previous job...  in reality there was nothing terrifying going on in my life. . . but I was struggling with fear of the future in a big way.  As the night turned to day, I struggled to untangle myself from the heavy blanket of fear that was weighing me down.  I threw myself on my face before the Lord.  I soaked in His word.  I asked a friend to pray for me.  I did an extra workout.  It all helped - but the fear remained like a heavy rock in my stomach.  While I knew (and know) that fear is not of the Lord, I had the most difficult time wiggling out of its grasp.

Though that fear was not from the Lord, He has used it in these last weeks to refine me, rather than define me.

He first showed me the story of how he fed 5000 with a small lunch.  I have read and taught that story many times - but this time He showed it to me.  And He reminded me that He has always provided.  I argued that I don't want to rely on tiny portions.  I want a full pantry and a full bank account.  Even as I said it, I knew how faithless it was - but it was also honest.  He just held me and listened, while reminding me that I have always had plenty.  And He will always provide.

The next thing He pointed out was a verse I have never before noticed.  In John 12, Jesus is predicting His death.  In verse 27 - 28 He says, "Now my heart is troubled and what shall I say? 'Father save me from this hour'? NO, it is for this very reason I came to this hour.  Father, glorify your name."

Often when I am worried over the future I remember that Jesus was so worried about His impending crucifixion that he sweat beads of blood.  That always makes Jesus seem so human to me. Sweating blood is some serious anxiety - yet He faced that future, willingly, for me. But - I had never before noticed this verse.

As only a word from the Lord can, it hit me like a ton of bricks and lifted the weight I had been carrying around in my stomach all at the same time.

I had been fearing my future.  I had been longing for God to reassure me that I would have a problem-free future, though I knew that was not His will.  I had been wrestling with the (unfounded) fear that He was going to send me into a future that was more than I could handle.

As Jesus looked forward into the worst future ever - bearing the sins of us all - he provided the exact example of how to look into any future.  The "problems" in my future may just be the reason for which He created me.  They may be His greatest chance to shine, His greatest chance to receive glory.

And that is why we are here - to bring Him glory.

I can not say that my anxiety vanished instantly.  But my focus changed instantly, for sure.

I do not know what the future brings - in all honesty, despite my recent anxiety crisis, things look fairly rosey at the moment.  But there will always be times of trouble.  Always.  Always.

However, I need not fear them.  Instead I need to grasp onto Him (I have had this image lately of running to Him, like Mataya runs to her daddy, grasping Him around the waist, burying my face into His chest, and soaking in His love.  It is so comforting.) and trust that those really, really challenging times are when His glory will be shown most clearly.

Let the Searching Begin

I had the great pleasure of touring colleges with Jamison this week.  I don't know if we have ever traveled alone together, which made our time very special to me.

Added to that, I LOVE colleges.  The energy on a college campus just makes my heart happy.

Jamison has a few priorities when choosing a college:

1. He would really like to run at college.

2. He is thinking he would like to major in exercise science and then go to PT school.

3. Cost.  He will be paying for the vast majority of his college, and he is trying hard to get a good value for his dollar.

We toured MSUM, at my request.  And he liked it quite a bit!  But he has yet to talk to the coach there.

We toured St. John's at a coaches request.  And he liked the coach - but the school is very costly. . .

His high school coach would like to see him at the U of Mary.

He went to a camp at Winona State, and he loved it there.  Coach and all.

And UND might be a fit?

So. . .  I have no idea where he will end up.

I do know that I will miss him like crazy - BUT I am totally excited about his future.  He will love college.  Dorm life is right up his alley.  A more flexible schedule will be something he thoroughly enjoys.  And running for a college team will be a dream come true.

I will be praying that the right doors open and he knows with total clarity which school will be the best fit for him.  (And that he always remembers to call his momma!  HA!)

5 Generations

 The chance for a great-great grandparent to meet their great-great grandchild is rare.  What a blessing it is to have all these generations together and healthy.  Wyatt is a lucky little guy to have the love of all these amazing people surrounding him.

We all are.

I married well. . . in so many ways.

Wyatt John, infant, pictured with his momma, his Great-Great Grandpa and Grandma Hoff, his Great Grammy Angie, and his Grandpa.  (It still feels so odd to refer to my husband as a grandpa.  LOL!)

On the evening this picture was taken, my mother-in-law was holding Wyatt and talking to him.  He was looking at a brightly colored painting I have in my kitchen.  I was getting supper together, when I overheard Angie, my MIL, say, "Wyatt.  Are you looking at Grandma's pretty picture?"  As she said that I thought to myself. . . that is not your picture, Ang?  It's mine?  What a weird thing to say.  And then it occurred to me.  I AM HIS GRANDMA.

Yikes!

I adore that baby.  But being a grandma is just weird.  Shouldn't I be old or something?

Don't answer that.

I'm obviously OLD enough - but. . .

Love you, love you Wyatt John - even if you ARE the reason people are referring to ME as Grandma.  Scratch that - especially because you are the reason people are calling me grandma.

Momma's Staycation 2015

I had an amazing week at the lake.

My lesson this week was WAIT FOR IT and ENJOY! WHILE YOU WAIT.  I had expected much better weather than I received.  Many days were too windy to really enjoy the water - but that did not mean the day was a waste or a disappointment.  Rather, we chose, during those windy moments, to be creative and choose to have fun despite the weather.  We watched movies, had silly scavenger hunts, played washers, picked wildflowers (aka weeds), drove to visit Krissy and Wyatt, etc...  and without fail, we did have fun.  

Hidden within a lot of wind, were the most beautiful weather moments of my summer.  When we waited patiently, eventually the winds calmed.  It became still and glorious.  We had some of the MOST beautiful sunsets on the water.  We had perfect campfires.  We had long chats, delicious breakfasts, unrushed devotions, and much rest.  Lake living was such a metaphor for all of life.  Moments are hard.  The wind blows out of control.  The storms are unexpected, disappointing, disheartening - BUT, they end.  He carries us through.  And the beauty after the storm is beyond anything we could have expected or planned on our own.

After a week at the lake, I am feeling so alive and rested.  I am also feeling accomplished and independent.  I learned how to do many things by myself this week.  I can run the generators.  I can load and unload the jetski.  I can grill anything.  Jamison and I even got the big boat in the water all by ourselves this week.  While I love the way Chad cares for me and so many details all the time, it was a great adventure doing things on my own.

In fact so great that I am hoping to sneak in another lake week before school begins!

Here is a sneak peak at my staycation:

 Mataya Hope-y Girl has gone from afraid while camping to fearless.  She now LOVES the water!

 One evening these 3 ended up "tripletting" at the campfire.

(They all are wearing essentially the same outfit.)

 I love this shot.

Jamison is always making us laugh.

17, 12, 15

 Brenna learned to get up on the wake board!

Go Brenna!!  Jay was a great teacher, and Sierra did a super job driving the jetski!

 Many evenings after dinner Jamison wakeboarded until dark.  It is such an amazing time to be on the water, when all is still and the sun is setting.

 BUT - notice the storm clouds in the distance...

 We ended up getting off the water and getting all our gear out and stowed just as the rain and winds started.  I am always amazed at what we can do when we all work together.

Crummy weather outside means popcorn and movies inside! 

The only place I love running more is at the ocean. . .

 One horrifically windy day, we went for a walk and gathered a wildflower bouquet.

Weeds?!?

And we went to visit Krissy and Wyatt.

We explored the tiny town they call home, and snacked on Root Beer floats at their apartment.

 My campfire and coffee view... what is it about water that is so soothing?

 Brenna has completed boater's safety course, so she is now licensed to drive the jetski!  She was thrilled!

 Mataya was not too sure about the frogs - but Hunter (Sierra's boyfriend) patiently showed them to her.

 Throwing stones

 Notice the red dot on her nose?  She and I painted our toe nails.  She insisted on blowing hers to dry them... and as you can see she got a bit too close!  

 Water is the ultimate entertainment.  The kids played tag, jumped the waves, took "showers," swam, tubed, boarded, floated, etc. . . for hours and hours of fun.

 This is my DAD!  He stopped out one afternoon to try the jetski.  Although I am sure he won't be trading in his reining horses, he DID seem to enjoy himself!

BAD picture - but it was a special afternoon that the girls and I had together, just hanging!

I just ADORE this picture.

Watching these sisters play "1-2-3 WHEEEE!" will linger in my mind's eye always.  They were just so beautiful together.  I am often jealous when I watch them.  I always wanted a sister.  I am so thankful that God gave my girls sisters, and that my girls let me tag along.  They are just so incredibly precious to me.

 We (rather Jamison) tried something new this weekend. . . surfing!

 He is so sinkin' strong and athletic that he makes everything look easy.  Someday, I might try surfing though.  It is supposed to be much more gentle than wakeboarding.  

Mataya decided she wanted a tube ride!  She loved it. . . or at least she found it very relaxing.  She fell asleep as we were gently pulled around the lake. 

Books cure any problem in Mataya's universe.

After an absolutely perfectly perfect Saturday, this morning the winds came back up.  So we packed up for the inevitable trip home.  Even after more than a week away, I could have stayed longer.  Someday, God-willing, I will live on a lake.  But until then, I will LOVE the home I have and the people in it.  Where my family is my heart is happy.

Running Off the Grid

The view as I ran last night.

Chad and I spent a long weekend at the lake.  It was so divine that I convinced him to let me stay for the week!

Sooooo,

I am officially running off the grid for a whole week!

I came home for a day to wash clothes, do some book work, and buy supplies - but as of tomorrow, I am looong gone!  Just me and the littlest kids, and the camper, and the generator, and the jet ski, and easy to cook food, and tons of sunscreen, and my floaty for days and days!  Chad, Jamison, and Sierra will come and go; while I stay and stay!  It will be a staycation like none other I have ever had.

I am thrilled!

For the record, this is my last hoorah!  As of next week, I am an office employee once again.  The building we purchased a year ago is officially ready for me.  So, after my staycation, Mataya and I will transition into office workers!  It will be a big change; however, I have the boss of my dreams and a gorgeous office to boot.  I am a very lucky lady.

Model Baby

I had the great joy today of taking a boat load of photos of my incredibly beautiful grandson today.  He was the perfect model.  Seriously!  I kept moving him from place to place, and he just slept contentedly.

Wyatt John, at one month you are incredible peaceful.  You roll with the punches like a boss.  You sleep and eat like a champ - and you give the bestest snuggles there ever were.  You make your LaLa's heart melt.  I love you so, sweet one.

And your momma.  Oh, she is amazing.  She loves you deep and long and wide.  I am so proud of your momma, precious boy.  So very proud. (And yes!  She does have the cutest new haircut e.v.e.r!)

I'm a grandma now, so I refuse to apologize for all these photos.  Trust me, you will not enjoy them nearly as much as I enjoyed snapping them.  Sigh.

After this photo burst, I may never be allowed to babysit again. . . but, it was (almost) worth it!  Are they beautiful - or what?!?