Off and on in my life I have heard the saying that an adopted child is not created under your heart but in it. I always thought, "oh that's a nice way to think of it" not with cynicism but not with any kind of understanding either. I am learning!
Chad and I had one of those perfect conversations last night. It was deep and real and beautiful. One of those rare moments when 2 people understand each other perfectly. We were discussing how our hearts have changed so dramatically. Four months ago we were blissfully enjoying life, with no thoughts of another child in sight. Now our hearts collectively ache for a son we are convinced we will raise. We talked about attachment and Chad echoed my heart when he said, "I am just not worried about loving our son. I feel like I love him already and I have not even seen his face. I can hardly wait to squeeze his cheeks and kiss his face."
How does that work? How is it even possible? When I was carrying our first four children it made more sense, they were physically a part of me. I could feel them kick and hiccup. I could watch us grow. This time it is my only heart that is growing, but it is much more mysterious and painful. Is Joshua OK? Is he hungry? Why will he need us? Oh his poor Ethiopian mother, what is happening in her life? I hope she knows how much we love her boy. I hope she senses that God has a plan for him, even in her darkest hour.
Some days I find myself thinking of him constantly. I will be driving across town and my eyes will fill with tears. That is not like me! At those moments I pray for him and his family without ceasing, and I wonder if they are in dire need of my prayers or if I am just losing it. I will probably never know. The last 2 days have felt like that, like God keeps whispering Joshua needs you to pray. So join me in praying for him, I may be losing it - but prayer is never wasted.
