It feels as though I have not been at rest in a very long time. I have reached the end of my ability to roll with the punches and go with the flow. I feel totally incapable of tolerating any more change, any more stress, any more inconvenience.
Ever since school started and we moved the campers to the house, the work I do for Chad has become a HUGE burden. Officing with unreliable internet and no printer made the work I do for him very difficult. Moving to the house lot, then into the house, then into the hotel, and finally back into the house - yet never being fully settled anywhere has made trying to organize my schedule and carve out time to work for him nearly impossible. The pressure to get bills paid and organized has nearly crumbled me. I typically run 3 days ahead. Payroll is always done by Wednesday since guys are paid on Friday. Bills are entered when they arrive in the mail. Checks are posted a few days before they are due. In the last months, I have accomplished these tasks within minutes of when they are due. Payroll is delivered hot off the press. For my structured, organized, ritualized brain running "late" created constant pressure.
Yesterday afternoon, I arrived home hopeful. Ready to set up my desk so that I could once again work from home. I could see light at the end of the tunnel. Just another day or so of catch-up and I would be able to work on "my schedule" and feel a sense of peace and control once again.
Peace and control were quickly thrown out the window. I failed at setting up the printer. The internet was not working. And I lost it. I griped to Chad, but more than anything else, my spirit snapped. I felt totally completely hopeless. I felt like I would never again thrive.
As the night went on things did not get better. As Chad asked me simple questions about where this or that paper was and I had no idea, I sunk deeper and deeper into failure mode. I finally went to bed, not as much because I was tired as that my brain craved relief from the stress of my life.
I woke up this morning cognitively aware that things will improve soon. Barring another disaster my house will be complete before Christmas. My office should be ready for use today. My kids are healthy. My husband loves me. He even has made breakfast every day this week to help take pressure off me in the morning. I know I am blessed. I know there are so much greater problems in the world.
Yet my heart continues to be heavy. My reaction to stress heightened. I need your prayers to get through the next few weeks, because even though the end is near (or maybe because the end is near) I am at my personal breaking point.
Admitting your problem is always the first step in healing, right?
God blessed me with this verse on my daily Bible ap this morning.
"Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14
And my honest response is, "I'm trying Lord. I'm trying."
