No lie.
I have forced myself to take baths. (Those who really know me are gasping.)
I have read a lot - but only books that make my heart sigh.
I have napped, even when my house is a mess.
Other than going to work, I have rarely left my home.
Around Christmas, I was truly ready to snap. I have never felt as on edge. I had been so stressed, for so long that all my happy-go-lucky was long gone. And in all honesty, I was wound so tight that feeling relaxed enough to truly enjoy any moment was impossible. I knew that I had to somehow re-train my brain and body to relax OR consider going on some meds - maybe even both.
Thankfully two months into 2013, I feel like me again. Sure I am tired most of the time, up to my eyeballs in work, and usually behind with the laundry - that is just part of being me. My stress is certainly not gone. But now, when I am running late, working too many hours, or walk into a messy kitchen - I can breathe. I can think through how to fix the problem and go on.
I am so thankful.
Two months of rest, has also given me enough space to think through all the things that happened in the last year and a half which brought me to a mini-midlife crisis. Here is a super brief play by play:
- We decided to sell the home I loved in July of 2011.
- I went back to work, very suddenly. Joshua started day care. My heart broke.
- Day care #1 was a disaster.
- He started day care number 2. Life improved.
- We showed the home constantly. It needed to be picture perfect all the time.
- We worked through a home study, very quickly.
- We were (sort of) matched with a mom wanting to place her 2 and 3 year old kids with our family.
- Christmas happened.
- The "match" fell through.
- We continue showing the house constantly.
- We start reading through paperwork on kids waiting in the US foster care system. Heart breaking.
- We decide to pull our house off the market. I was thrilled.
- Chad changed his mind, wanted to sell. I was exhausted and terrified.
- We start praying about the adoption of a little guy with short term special needs.
- We find a lot to build a new home on. We buy it.
- Our house sells. Day care #2 closes. We leave for "vacation" in Hawaii all the same day.
- While on "vacation" we try to design our home via email.
- While on "vacation" we decide we need to decline from adopting the little guy. I feel deep sadness about this, but know that living in campers would not be good for his medical needs.
- We return home. Go back to work, and find day care #3 for Joshua.
- We keep drawing our house. It is not what I want, but Chad is happy.
- Our house sale falls through.
- More home showings.
- House sells again.
- We begin building our new home. Every moment we are not at work, we build.
- We move 5 kids and a golden retriever into 2 campers.
- Living in campers is . . . interesting.
- Building, work, building, work, building, work - no play, no privacy, no relaxation for months.
- School starts and with it another new routine, including much driving.
- We move into our nearly completed home. Big happy sigh. The end is in sight.
- I email our social worker and tell her to check our paperwork, we would be able to adopt again, if there was a need for us, soon.
- Our new home floods.
- Our young friend is badly injured.
- We fight with insurance companies.
- We are SO exhausted.
- We move 5 kids into 2 hotel suites.
- We continue to build in every spare moment.
- We approach closing, so much pressure to finish the build, so much fighting with insurance, so many bills, so much bad workmanship by insurance repair subs, stress is overwhelming.
- Move back in the house.
- Host Thanksgiving.
- Still work every single spare moment. Chad even pulled a couple all-nighters.
- Close on loan, but continue to fight with insurance.
- Plan to have lots of family for Christmas.
- Finally settle with insurance. Not thrilled, but thankful it is over.
- Have a big party for New Year's 2013.
- Begin trying to rest and recover from it all.
Looking back through it all has been good. It helps me see that there was near constant stress for a very long time. There was good reason that I felt out of control, I had lived that way for a long time.
I am wishing right now for the happy ending. You know the unbelievable twist at the end of a book/movie that makes the whole entire plot make sense. That beautiful surprise which makes every bad thing that happened suddenly becomes so worth it.
Two weeks ago, I thought we had discovered it. Our social worker emailed letting us know that a sibling group that we had inquired about last winter was finally being matched. She wondered if we would still like to be considered. It felt so right. These were "the kids" that Chad kept asking me about all last winter. He had totally connected with their picture. If we were supposed to be their parents all the confusion and delays made sense, especially when we read the little boy wished for a family "with a big yard and a dog."
That had to be it. What a great end to the saga of chaos.
But alas, they were matched with a different family. And we are OK with that. We want kids to be happy, for God to open and close doors as He wills. We are peaceful. But it would have been a really exciting ending to this chapter in our family, don't you think?
I am not sure if I will ever be able to untangle this ball of yarn. I am not sure if the events of the last year and a half will ever make sense to me, if I will ever see God's plan in it all. Right now, I am not sure what He has planned for us. More kids? A way for me to work less? Where will Krissy go to college? How will it feel to have her leave? Is she ready? How long will the economy in Bismarck be this good? Am I really serving as God would have me? How will this upcoming Ethiopia trip impact our family? Is there more chaos right around the corner? (Please God, no. I am not strong enough yet.) How to can I allow myself enough rest AND YET still be serving as He desires? Is there really such a thing as balance?
Chad and I leave for a week away on Monday. We leave this year under totally different circumstances than we did last year. Life feels pretty stable. We have a routine that works pretty well. We expect it to remain the same for quite some time. Business is good. The kids are all doing great. The laundry will even be caught up, for an hour or so anyway!
I am so thankful the past year is behind us. I am so thankful to leave feeling rested and optimistic. I can hardly wait to run on the beach, sleep late, smell the humid air of the tropics, eat food prepared by terrific chefs, read for hours and hours and hours, sip drinks served in fancy glassware, listen to the ocean, dream with my husband without the interruption of cellphones or children. This trip is an incredible blessing.
(Which by the way I do not deserve any more than anyone else does. We are so lucky that Chad has the chance to win/earn winter vacations through his building supplier. We appreciate the spif very much. But I never feel like I deserve it. There are so many people who live much harder lives than I do that will never have the opportunity to hang in a fantastic resort, in a perfectly beautiful location. These trips are gifts that I am very grateful for.)
I do hope that amid the rest, and the sun, and the salt water, and the holding of my husband's hand that I have the chance to hear from God. I long for just the tiniest glimpse into His plan. I wish for confirmation that we are living as He wills - or clear instruction on how to move so we are. I hope to return with a quiet confidence, deep in my soul, that we are walking towards His will. Because while I know that some things never make sense, when I do know I am walking the path He has for me, it is all worthwhile.
(I would go into a vacation with a goal.)
(The Dominican Republic - I had a feeling you would want to know where we are headed!)
